Sheila Schoonmaker

An elusive thought of the night keeps coming into my dreams as a post I’m writing, but when I wake up and look at my blog, obviously it refuses to leave my mind for travel elsewhere. It’s odd that this same topic keeps recurring, along with its identical feeling. I think it’s important while I’m sleeping, so much so that I believe I will have no problem to recall the thought once I’m awake. All I can say is that it has something to do with Asperger’s syndrome and the way that Aspies perceive things differently than neurotypicals do.

I refuse to write about anything else until I figure out what blog comments have to do with my strange dream that seems to want revelations forthcoming. Maybe none will ever surface? Oh well . . . so be it as it’s May.

May is reality awareness month.¹ That means people should be offline as much as humanly possible this month. If you believe this, then you must be ready for the next con around the corner.

¹This is the excuse everyone has been looking for! Who in their orbital mind wouldn’t love having eleven months of each year to escape reality? No one really wants a ‘reality’ check month, do they?

~ Spring at the creek,

. . . but autumn is brighter and more colorful! ~

What I simply cannot understand, nor ever will, is why people don’t communicate messages the way they should be expressed. Children are told things straightforward, so why not do the same with all people?

Usually Asperger people are up front, but now I see that they too can trash this blessed quality. When I invite a person to visit for becoming acquainted, I get the impression she’d love to stop over. She does seem to act grateful for the friendly¹ gesture, but is that any reliable indicator? Apparently not quite so, nor ever can it be for Aspies like me.

It’s evident most people are too busy to visit. That’s fine. However, it is completely illogical for people, who are too busy to accommodate newcomers into their lives, to NOT mention that they are too busy to increase their social circle. There is nothing offensive about telling someone, who is extending an invitation, that her social life is too full for adding another person into it.

I get blamed for being rude because I don’t see that the invited guest has no intentions of visiting. I’m not rude anymore, because I now learned how to adapt into this world full of unreasonable² people.

My question is, “What are people like me supposed to do then? Believe what people say or not believe what people say?” I ask this question not to get an answer, but rather to get people to think about their inconsistencies between what they say verses what they do.

I know most people would love to tell me that my problem is I shouldn’t take what others say literally. I will always stand by my conviction that idle³ talk is wrong. Words reflect a person’s reputation. What someone says is a reflection of who they are. If they value what’s popular and acceptable by society more than what’s right and acceptable by God, then that person’s integrity is questionable.

“But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.” — Matthew 12:36

If what I’m saying in this post angers you, then that indicates insufficient thought is at your end. When others don’t care enough to speak candidly, then they are possibly robbing an Aspie of her time. I have always tried to make an effort to be understood correctly by others. If that can’t be appreciated, then I must have some screws loose if I keep investing of myself into those who display no evidence of wanting to meet me half-way.

I might sound angry, but I’m really not. I’m just expressing something shameful. That’s all. Maybe by some miracle, my sharing this bit of information might actually be useful to someone. Truthful words, spoken by the motive of love for other Aspies, do not make idle talk. If my message is useless, it’s only because its words have fallen on deaf ears.

We will all eventually be accountable for what we say or don’t say. We are not responsible for what others do with the words we speak. Nor are people (most Aspies for example) responsible for what others don’t say, especially if they’re unable to ‘receive’ a message that remains concealed to them.

¹I’ve read that friendliness is often mistaken for friendship by Asperger people. Now I understand why. What protects me from making this mistake anymore is knowing the difference between what most people label as friendliness verses what I call friendliness. My definition of it is no where near as liberal and/or quickly dispensed upon a person. It must be that way for me, because I cannot be friendly towards someone I cannot sincerely respect. Jesus behaved the same way. He never was friendly towards pretentious people.

²Inconsistent with reason or logic or good sense.

³Idle: vain; fruitless; lacking substance or worth; futile; barren; useless.

Why does it seem that the things which should be obvious are often times also the most difficult to see? This isn’t just for Aspergers people, but also neurotypicals. Knowing more now about how differently the mind of one on the autism spectrum thinks verses how the NT mind processes information has me also knowing that there is no way for NTs to reach this conclusion. I am not saying this to boast. I’m saying it because if I don’t, people on the other side of human neurodiversity will remain ignorant. There is a reason God designed the Asperger mind to be highly analytical, logical, and deep thinking. Some people appreciate this, but most people actually hate it.

It’s only logical to conclude from my need for books written by NTs who try to understand AS people (in order to understand how the typical world is perceiving people like me) that the reverse must also be true. NTs need books written by Aspies¹ so they can understand people who think differently from what they’re accustomed to, but NTs don’t want them written. You’ll find books which reflect the experiences, thoughts, and feelings Aspies have. That’s acceptable so long as an Aspie doesn’t start to sound like a professional who is informing the world on how NTs should act in ways that are ‘normal’ for Aspergians. There is a reason there is no market demand for such books.

It’s ironic that in my quest to better understand what’s going on with this whole neurodiversity issue, I should find statements made by a NT professional who writes about her observations of Aspies to be so blind to her own theory. Add to that, the title of the book focuses on the theory of the mind. All theories are assumptions, even the ones this author comes up with.

This psychologist stated that a lot of Aspies have the mentality of ‘us against them.’ She also stated that the very things Aspies complain about NTs (probably like what I’m saying here), are the same things they cannot perceive in their own selves. If I could have a sit down talk with that author, we would probably remain in an endless debate because I know I would not be listened to. Instead, I would be dictated how to think and it would have to agree with her point of view. This is not fair.

I do not, nor would I ever, insist that neurotypical people think and perceive things like I do. First of all, I know they can’t because of their brain structure being different than mine. I respect neurodiversity, but I also know it would be argued that I don’t because I’m constantly pointing out differences instead of complying nicely like typical people wish I would. The more insistent I am upon protecting my self identity from being stolen, the more I’m perceived as being a hypocrite.

It’s beginning to appear that Aspies need to be reminded: “You [Aspies] have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of social correctness run by NT authorities. You have the right to have an NT attorney (who loves, understands, and unconditionally accepts you) present during questioning. If you cannot find such a valuable attorney, one should be appointed for you.”

My suspicions about many other things are also starting to get confirmed by much of what I observe and read. Those Aspies who sincerely make attempts to be someone they are not, eventually pay a high price for their desperate attempts to conform. From the perspective of the NT world, typical people think Aspies are ‘cured’ if they act normal. That’s all most people want — an act. The truth is less important today than appearances.

Aspies who remain reclusive (they’re usually the smartest ones) are happier and healthier.² I was happier before I began trying to teach what I know about neurodiversity in my blog online. If and/or when people get disturbed by reading what I write, they should realize there are two groups of people here who are being pulled out of their comfort zone.

If I was really being selfish, I would never have bothered to share what I have. I’m not gaining anything for myself by doing so. It should be obvious that I don’t seek kudos for what I write. I care about the whole human race and see what’s important. It’s important that people put aside their pride so they can stop with the nonsense of feeling so offended all the time. So much personal insult stems from simply being spoiled.

When people like me will not be listened to but rather be talked at (which is the very thing I’m accused of doing), then there is no point in trying to solve this puzzle. What it means then is that the picture isn’t pretty and those, who continuously twist the things we Aspies do and say, do not really want the pieces of truth snapped together. What most typical people truly want is everyone to behave ‘normal’ and for no one to be uncomfortably ‘weird.’

¹I have no desire to ever write such a book.

²If you like what’s in these two links, then you might also like the similar third one, Eccentrics Live Longer, kept aside in my category for Healthy Living listed to the right of my posts.  When David Weeks did his research, he wasn’t even aware of Asperger Syndrome’s existence.

What cyberscan says on WrongPlanet.net’s article Ten Myths about Autism pretty much sums up what I’d like to expound on today:

“I find organizations like Autism Speaks, Center for Autism Related Disorders, etc pretty useless. I offered my services as a research subject and have not even gotten a reply. These organization seem not to want to hear from us but rather dictate to everyone our needs. In my not so humble opinion, the only NT’s that understand us are the ones who are our families and friends.“

Cyberscan’s statement, along with everything else I’ve been hearing from others and witnessing happening to just every Asperger adult (including my own life experiences), has me realizing that my blog is only useful for the neurotypicals that understand those of us on the autism spectrum and who are our families and friends which love us.

My NT grown-up daughter was quite observant of whom people attended the Walk for Autism we were at last Sunday. She approximated about 25% of the people there to be on the autism spectrum, 50% of them were NTs who were the family and friends of those autistics, and the last 25% were NT yuppies eager to get into the latest fad with the hopes of making money off what now seems to be getting a lot of attention.

As to that last 25% who are NT yuppies (mostly teachers and/or school administrators who are not parents of children on the autism spectrum), those are the ones who tend to be evil. No, they are not consciously evil, but rather dangerous because of their pride and ignorance. My daughter doesn’t fully realize how much so yet, so I image that many others don’t either. The ones who most likely can are the parents and spouses of autism spectrum adults. Those NT yuppies, who listen to and do what these parents tell them their children need, are the safest in this 25% category.

Intuitive parents of Asperger syndrome children are the only hope for those of us on the autism spectrum! The only way adult Aspies can make a difference is to educate those who want to help Aspies out of the motive of love and not money (except for the rare few heroines like courageous Amanda Baggs). The amount of HATRED that exists towards us on the autism spectrum by NTs who have no neuro-A-typical loved ones is kept hidden from public view, but it is so real and extremely disgusting!

I know first-hand about the trouble that adult Aspies have when they aren’t financially wealthy enough to buy their own place to live. They are at the mercy of landlords and way too many of these landlords connive sneaky and malicious ways to get rid of Aspies. To those who can’t be direct witnesses to what goes on, NTs can succeed in twisting things around to their benefit because the mental health organizations have already succeeded to get the public media to begin painting the wrong picture about autistic people.

Parents, this is why it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL that attention be paid to the politics of autism rather than looking for a ‘cure.’ The ‘cure’ is to stop what too many NTs are getting away with doing before it’s too late! Your children’s lives depend on it. If your AS children are still young, you have no clue what they are in for ahead. It will be hell for those autistics who don’t come from wealthy families.

Why do you think it is that 76% of all adult aspies live at home with their parents?¹ Approximately 20% are either housed by a spouse or the government. It’s possible that only a remaining 4% actually manage to live independent of parents, a spouse, or government support. It’s impossible to know what percentage of those in the 24% category, who do not live at home with their parents, are homeless. I do know that it’s not unusual for Aspies to end up living on the street after the last remaining parent dies, if s/he doesn’t inherit her/his parent’s residence.

Why do you think it is that 90% of all adult aspies are unemployed?¹ Many young adult aspies do get employed, but they’re usually employed at jobs like sweeping floors, flipping hamburgers, being bank tellers, answering phones for hotel reservations, etc. even though most aspies are highly intelligent people.² The younger the adult aspie is, the more likely he will be employed. The older the adult aspie is, the less likely he will be employed.

If billion-dollar organizations like Autism Speaks are allowed to continue on the path they are going, while people foolishly think and hope that autism spectrum people will eventually be ‘cured’ (rather than respected, supported, and listened to), then those of you with children on the autism spectrum can expect the lives of your aspie children to become riddled with never-ending tribulation unlike anything typical people must endure (of course there might be some exceptions, but this is the norm)! The bullying that happens in school environments to aspies does not stop there. It’s only a sign of things to come that get much worse as aspies get older. It’s just less obvious — that is until you end up experiencing learning what I’m talking about first hand.

¹These statistics are based on a research study done in 2002. It’s highly unlikely the statistics are any more encouraging today than they were six years ago. If anything, they’re probably worse.

²Be cautious about trusting statistics and/or IQ test results, because in regards to measuring intelligence with autistics, this area contains major flaws.

Being foolishly gullible is not the same thing as being ignorant of the truth. Once a person knows the truth, s/he is no longer naïve or gullible. However, to get the truth is not an easy matter. The love of truth and wisdom is something that is becoming extinct in today’s world. It is being replaced with the love of education. Education is not to be confused with wisdom and/or intelligence.

Today, education means being able to regurgitate facts and sound impressive. The scary joke is that rare are the people who know how to process the massive amount of information they now have. It’s like giving children real guns to play with instead of water pistols.

People who sincerely think in a critical fashion are told they ‘analyze’ things too much and that they ‘worry’ too much. Do those lower-level thinkers ever stop to think that just maybe they don’t ‘analyze’ things enough and/or that what they’re perceiving and labeling as ‘worry’ is really ‘concern’ instead?

Tuesday 4-29-8

I’m always amazed over the general inconsistency that exists between information about Asperger’s syndrome published in books verses articles about the same subject published online! This is a huge red flag that should not be ignored, but the problem is that the people who have the greatest need for the correct information about those of us on the autism spectrum most likely will never read it or even know about its existence! Hopefully that will change over time, but for now it’s a serious problem. Why? Here’s why:

Today society wants everything fast and easy. First and foremost, people are conditioned to either get their education from what they hear on television or they get it through what their children bring home from government school. That’s understandable given how busy so many people are because of simply trying to survive. Those who fall into the category of ‘not having enough time and/or energy’ leftover for educating themselves should NOT form any opinion about people they do not understand! I know they do. Here are a couple of examples:

If someone has ‘meltdowns’ that send her or him into a hospital whenever holidays come around, s/he will be judged as behaving that way on purpose to avoid the stressful work of entertaining family during expected events. People don’t want to admit the possibility that the person who is having the meltdown may actually BE having a meltdown because of pumping out high levels of epinephrine from prolonged severe anxiety which then leads to adrenal exhaustion!

People who are less sensitive to sensing everything and everyone in their environment cannot perceive what it’s like for those of us who have heightened sensory awarenesses to such things as sounds, smells, visual cues, every individual’s vibes/attitudes, etc. For me, it’s the ’spiritual energy’ of others that I’m powerfully sensitive to discern — especially if they’re unforgiving, malicious, manipulative, hypocritical, judgmental, arrogant, destructively aggressive, etc. (but yet those people are blind to what I see). These willfully ignorant (insensitive compared to my level of sensitivity) people are the ones who will condemn Aspies for wanting to withdraw from social events like Fourth of July barbecues, not even accepting an Aspie’s need to retreat from the social scene periodically in order to cope with the energy draining stress that spoiled NT people cause because of their selfish expectations and lack of understanding; thereby not accepting those who are merely ‘different.’

On the next level, there are some people who will read books to educate themselves about Aspergers. Both those who don’t shy away from using the internet and those who will not use the internet usually do read books. However, the tendency for most older neurotypicals is to avoid the internet because that’s not where they are ‘comfortable.’ They (who don’t go online) are the most likely people to not get exposure to the truth. So far, the internet cannot be politically controlled . . . BUT, for the most part, the publishing industry IS. There are a few books that get out there in print that aren’t too bad, but the fact remains — if a publishing company doesn’t believe a book will be popular, they don’t want it because they are a business in operation to make money. People like me are not writing to make money. I write because my conscience tells me to. This is NOT my hobby, nor is it my pleasure to blog. I simply KNOW (along with many other Aspies) that blogging is the only hope for truth to get out into public awareness.

Why am I so aggressive now? Why do books that get published blame aggression in older Aspies as being an Asperger trait? Because most people cannot know or realize how angry a person can feel once s/he discovers what’s really going on! The factual truth of this whole autism ordeal is that it has become political, just like everything else! If you’d like to read samples of this truth without aggressive emotions, then read such articles (completely through) like The Truth About Autism: Scientists Reconsider What They Think They Know by David Wolman written for Wired Magazine.

One last, but important note: People who do turn to the internet to sincerely want to know more about Aspergers face another hurdle. All the politically controlled large and powerful Asperger industry organizations that now have become dominant are the websites which most likely ‘hog’ search engine results whenever a person types in simple terms like, “Asperger’s Syndrome” or “Autism.”

Those who truly want to do humanity a service can make a big difference by even doing simple things like letting others become aware of how things really work in regards to how and/or what information gets to who. Pro-Asperger people are not allowed to speak on television. That should make most people angry. If it doesn’t, then you will eventually get what you deserve (i.e., reap what you sow).

Tuesday 4-29-8

Who’s selfish in this scenario? Is it the NTs or Aspies? But before I present the actual scenario, I must mention this first:

What bad timing for me receive and start reading another Asperger book today! I had a book on hold from the library for weeks and now finally have it.

Two days ago, I went to an adult Asperger group meeting. I previously explained that they are emotionally exhausting in My Metamorphosis post, along with stating that my energy level decreases for almost a week from such things.

The next day (yesterday), I went to an annual Walk for Autism event. That really accelerated my adrenaline which was already surging from the previous day. I cannot afford to be having anything ‘rocking my boat’ emotionally right now. I must have peace and relaxation until the end of this week so that my body can recover its strength and stamina. It doesn’t mean I can’t do emotionally safe chores like laundry or dishes, but it does mean I MUST stay away from such things as hearing a woman’s voice singing at a microphone attached to speakers (that’s the sound my ears cannot tolerate!), especially if I’m too close to it physically!

The scenario needing expounding came from the first chapter I chose to randomly glance through in this Asperger book. I was shocked to read what I did about employment politics, especially since I’ve been in this situation many times in my past:

Supposedly when someone choses to spend her lunch break from the office by taking walks alone outdoors, she jeopardizes her chances of promotion and even risks losing her job! Where is the compassion there for those who get overwhelmed and need that mid-day break to recharge?!?!

It is NOT a human NEED to have 100% of everyone from the office chit-chatting small talk (and/or gossiping) together during lunch time!!!! It IS a NEED for some people to get away from others when they can so they’re able to function better at their job!!!! Those who are offended by people that wonder off alone during lunch are the ones who have a problem. What if I was an employer and I got offended because someone went to the bathroom daily at work and I didn’t like that? Could I refuse her a promotion or fire her because I didn’t like that she went to use the ladies room?

The way some other things were presented in that chapter are also rightfully disturbing. In fact, now that I think about it I’m realizing that it’s not even safe for me to read that book this week. There is a lot of good information in that book, but too much is being presented in a highly insulting way.

I’m surprised to find I can decide what to do about this so easily. I’m ordering my own copy of the book to buy so I can read it when I’m emotionally strong enough to handle the bigoted way much of the material is presented.

Since most people don’t change the content on their blog pages (not to be confused with blog post pages) which then means they usually don’t go back to re-reading them, I am creating a duplicate of the new material on my Me and My Blog page because I did revamp the material written there and returning readers most likely would not know that unless I draw attention to it.

I realize I am extremely skeptical about humanistic counselors. Throughout my blog, there are strong cautions I express over the mental health profession and many of them tend to come across negative. I know it is difficult for most readers to understand why this is. I will try to explain. I have no clue as to how helpful it will be, but that’s why I must at least try.

Throughout most of my life, I was brainwashed into believing I was unattractive, foolishly gullible, and not too smart → all that on top of being convinced I was to blame for everything that didn’t ‘work’ in my life. I had no inkling about how Asperger’s syndrome was affecting my life. No one did.

This mystery I was born to solve on my own led me through a journey unlike what most people could possibly begin to comprehend. The worst thing about Asperger’s syndrome is that people can chose to ignore its existence because it’s not something visible to the typical person. This leaves the door wide open for others to criticize and make fun of an AS class of thinker endlessly when s/he is unaware of AS’s existence. It’s not too bad for the those in the AS class who are blessed with growing up in a loving family environment where they can feel safe and accepted for who they are. It’s hell on earth for us Aspies who must endure being raised without any emotional safety havens that people who are non-judgmental and accepting can provide.

People are not so quick these days to take advantage of, criticize, and/or make fun of someone obviously different physically (e.g., wheelchair bound, blind, deaf, burn victim, etc.). Since AS is so invisible to most people and difficult to prove to those who love to remain ignorant and skeptical (or those who don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend something as complex as AS), AS remains as the last frontier to overcome in regards to bigotry and bias.

This is why when I began to seek help and counsel in my life as a young adult because of always knowing something was askew about the way my life was going, I was a fantastic magnet for trouble. Male therapists could quickly surmise my vulnerabilities and then proceed with their attempts at taking advantage of me sexually. They felt safe because I had little to no concept about what was going on. They probably believed that no one would believe me if I was to tell them my story because I did not appear to be retarded. According to others, “I asked for it.” It didn’t help matters that it was obvious no one in my life could understand my odd behavior and thinking; plus, no one would come to my aid and protection if and/or when trouble would brew. My parents did sometimes ’show up’, but they always sided with ‘authorities’ because pleasing them was more important than trying to understand and/or help me. I was an embarrassment to them and they let me know it throughout every aspect of my life . . . even college graduation because I had no impressive career¹ for them to brag about (they ignored my good grades).

Even though female mental health workers were no sexual threat, they did tend to have their own form of control power affecting their egos. The problem was they were unaware of their ignorance. They believed they knew the answers and that’s what made them to be so dangerous.

In my growing up years, most people added to my problems rather than helping me to solve them. The list was endless: teachers, doctors, law enforcement, psychiatrists, attorneys, relatives, psychologists, peers, employers, pastors, social service workers, etc. I felt like I was always battling the whole world by myself. I kept believing I just needed to be ‘nicer’ and then I’d find someone who could and would help me. I went to counselors like an addict . . . forever searching for someone who could give me answers. The only ones I finally ended up trusting were my pets, and then finally God. They were my anchors. Animals didn’t care how unattractive I felt, nor did they care how intelligent I wasn’t aware of being. I could be happy or sad and still be loved by my pets and by my Heavenly Father.

Gone are my days of suffering and it’s NOT because I’ve been ‘cured’ of Asperger’s. I’ve been ‘cured’ of ignorance! Now I’m a very strong Aspergian woman, full of passion to be an advocate for all the other ‘little’ young Aspies out there. I’m armed and dangerous (only to the ‘curebies’) . . . loaded with more knowledge and experience than anyone could even begin to imagine! I went from having no confidence for almost half a century to the other end of the scale, without losing sight of where I still have more to learn. I know what I know and I know what I don’t know. That’s much more than what most people can honestly say.

I went from being a suicidally depressed individual who was a walking doormat to being a content concrete wall that others can no longer manipulate. I give God ALL the glory, because He is the only one who guided me through the valley of the shadow of death. I no longer fear evil. I know goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. God has used books and people for sign posts on the forks of my life’s path, but He didn’t bless me in order for me to bury the treasures I’ve been gifted with.

¹I never ‘passed’ any interviews.

Could the odd things be a reflection of what’s inside?

I wonder what I can do with these items for fun?

“Hey birds . . . here’s some nesting material for you!”

Not too much to mow here. Did the rake break yet?