Sheila Schoonmaker

February 29, 2008

No Wonder!

Out of all the aspie type characters famously known (maybe not known famously as being aspies though), it’s no wonder there is something about Mr. Bean that grabs my attention! I didn’t hit me until just recently (last night or this morning?) what felt so comfortable to me about watching Mr. Bean. I don’t have his outrageously humorous expressions (at least I hope not, or maybe sometimes I do . . . judging from my grandson’s reactions?), but the way he goes through life portrayed in his comedy series, sure isn’t too different from the way I do a lot of things!

Mr. Bean always seems to be alone even when he’s around people. That’s not too strange for aspie-type characters. However, I wonder how many other aspies do some of these same things like Mr. Bean does:

In one episode of Mr. Bean called The Exam, he is prepared for the test. He snickers at the guy next to him thinking that guy goofed up with knowing what exam was being given. Meanwhile, unbeknown to Mr. Bean, he himself was the one who was about to goof up. The other guy was ready for a Calculus exam while Mr. Bean was ready for a Trigonometry exam, but since he assumed only one exam was being given, he also assumed that the paper with the questions he took out of the envelope was the only paper inside it. It wasn’t until the last couple of minutes that were left when he found out his mistake. I can’t tell the story like the video does, but I can say that that story, and many of his others, reflect a lot of my own countless frustrating and humiliating experiences!

In the episode of The Return of Mr. Bean called The Department Store, he has an awful time navigating through the many atrocious scents by the make-up, perfume, and cologne counters, along with the agony of making decisions about what to buy. The way he shops humorously embarrasses me because I realize then, when watching him, I too am often oblivious to being watched by anyone thanks to being so deeply into what I’m doing at the moment.

In the episode of Mr. Bean Rides Again called Packing Suitcase, he tries so hard to get everything to fit into his small suitcase. Okay, I know I wouldn’t go so far as to throw out one shoe while packing the other to save space, but I would be one to cut a pair of pants into shorts to make them fit into the bag (for the same reason as Bean — forgetting that he already has a pair of shorts, but since they’re out of his sight, they’re also out of his mind). After his painstakingly effort he put forth, resulting in him feeling proud of himself, he discovers that all of what he did was unnecessary because shortly thereafter he finds a larger suitcase under his bed! In the end, he wasn’t going to have what he did go to waste. He determinedly made it work by putting his smaller suitcase into the larger one so he could at least get some satisfaction. I know how he feels! . . . just like when he puts his shoe on top of a parked car and then that car takes off down the street with his shoe! Or when he has only one stamp left and thinks he’s going to put it on his envelope while driving down the road, but when he stops at the mailbox, he discovers that he swallowed it because of leaving it on his tongue.

I could often times even due goof ups in my goof ups. However, I won’t write about some of them that I recall at this moment since I fear maybe they might get read by those who didn’t find them too funny at the time. I can mention that I too had a little teddy bear that I secretively kept with me into adulthood, which I’d probably still have if one dog I had didn’t tear it to shreds!

My Furry Friends

Filed under: My Photos — Sheila @ 4:14 pm
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Rascal in morning sun

Rascal in morning sun

Rascal in the natural early morning light holding her chewy treat.

Oliver & Rascal

Oliver & Rascal

Boy meets girl to kiss? Same order (Carnivora),
. . . but different family (Felidae vs. Canidae)!

Rascal and Puzzles

Rascal and Puzzles

“Cats rule!” says Puzzles to Rascal, especially when the cats are bigger than the dog!

February 28, 2008

Oh God! . . . I love you!

Filed under: My Faith — Sheila @ 10:02 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Psalms 40:16, “Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually, The LORD be magnified.”

Psalms 70:4, “Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: and let such as love thy salvation say continually, Let God be magnified.”

So that’s where gladness comes from . . . even more than what Mr. Bean can give or anyone or anything else?!

Psalms 118:24, “This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

This day is too beautiful for being inside and writing here! I don’t know where everyone else is, but I know where I’m going and who I’m going with!

February 27, 2008

Happy, Happy, Happy . . . Joy, Joy, Joy!

Filed under: My Thoughts — Sheila @ 6:12 pm
Tags: , ,

I’m getting a can of the whole bean! :D and nothing but the bean! —> Mr. Bean that is! I shall now roll out my red carpet to give Rowan Atkinson a warm welcome for when he soon arrives at my door!

Anyone else find him absolutely delicious?

Thank you ever so much ‘V’ (not the hedgehog blogger) for displaying the video clip “hugh laurie is one of the dullest…” on your other blog devoted to Rowan Sebastian Atkinson!¹ Even though it took awhile to see Rowan’s part in it, it was so worth it to us Bean fans! The sexy pose of him that was at the top of your page was the crème de la crème photo of him! It makes me want to take him along with me when I go target practicing, except that I’m a little afraid of how well I could hang onto my pistol since I might end up laughing so hard from the conditioned response I get when looking at his face (I might shoot myself in the foot or something like that).

¹That blog was removed, so I removed the link I used to have for it on this post.

Adhesive Capsulitis

Adhesive Capsulitis (Frozen Shoulder) presents a good reason why one should not always let pain dictate the level of activity done. Usually it’s good to allow body parts complete rest (after the necessary repair work if needed) to heal on their own after an injury, but sometimes it’s bad. I learned the hard way (through ignorance) how that can be.

A few years ago, I hurt my left arm when trying to force a window open. I didn’t realize I was unconsciously favoring that arm since I spend so much time at my computer. When I was away from the computer doing other things, I must have been developing alternative methods of moving around that gradually changed the way I did things.

For about five months or more, I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was losing mobility in my left arm. Because of my habit of injuring myself often by accident, I developed a way of ignoring pain and waiting patiently for it to go away. It’s not that I learned to become numb towards pain, because I can know when it’s there. I learned to trust my body to heal itself. It always did before, so I thought when my shoulder kept hurting more at night over the months, I was just losing my skill at it.

However, in this case with my arm, it was quite a strange experience to be losing my ability to move it. My first thought was that I’d try getting a professional massage. I knew I wanted something resembling Shiatsu; something like maybe deep-tissue therapy. Fortunately I did find someone skilled at this profession. He was amazed over my high tolerance to pain¹ when he tried to get my arm to move. But, try as he did, he couldn’t get it unstuck. So, I went to visit his friend who is a chiropractor. The chiropractor couldn’t get it to move either. He suggested I go for an MRI. As soon as I walked out of his office, I thought “Forget that! I’ll figure something else out (but I would give in if God insisted, but He never did).”

Convenience would have it that a deer tick bit me again and I got another lyme rash. That gave me a good excuse to ask a doctor his opinion of my arm while I went in to ask him his thoughts about my rash (that I already knew what to do about — Hi, Ho . . . Colloidal Silver to the rescue!). By that point in time, my arm was almost completely immobile. It was like having a 2 by 4 board nailed (with two nails, not one) to your shoulder with the arm strapped tight to it. He knew I didn’t have insurance, so he wasn’t so quick to make the same suggestions right away as the chiropractor did. Instead he wrote me a prescription to try physical therapy. He told me he had the same thing happen to his arm. He also said that he couldn’t endure the pain that physical therapy brought, so he opted for for surgery instead. He also claimed to have seen some people suffer permanent immobility because of not seeking treatment for such severe cases of frozen shoulder as what I had. After I left his office, I went straight to the nearest physical therapy office. I knew I could at least ask what it would cost. That was enough to say, “Forget that!” again.

So, back to my computer I went; this time to see what physical therapists do in cases like this. I read about people having success with acupuncture. Fortunately my sister-in-law (a chiropractor) was coming to visit and she was into doing acupuncture. Plus, she didn’t charge anything for giving it a try! We only had a few days to see what acupuncture could do. It did manage to get my arm to move about ½ of an inch or so. At least my son learned then I wasn’t faking it to get attention. He tried to move my arm with all his strength but got nowhere. Anyone for a little arm wrestling?

My husband didn’t believe anything was going to work (other than surgery). I told him he wasn’t going to cop out that easily from helping me. I had an idea. He only had to agree to help me out for a 40-day trial period involving 10-15 minutes of his time in the morning and the evening. I rigged up a rope and pulley system where I could sit in a chair and greater force on my arm could be used by having it tied and pulled on.

For the first week, hardly any noticeable improvement could be seen. I knew I could see tiny bits of change, but hubs kept insisting it was futile. It was when we were into the second week of my do-it-yourself at home torture chamber that progress was becoming obvious. Darn, now I wish I could have made videos of this and put it on youtube.com (but I didn’t have a camera back then)! You’d have to cut the volume down though if I did that because that’s when I did some daily screaming. Even Oliver tried to console me during these moments by gently placing his paw on my leg while hubs pulled and pushed on my arm. Master mister isn’t no weakling. He’s a carpenter who is built like a rock, so if anyone could get my arm to move, it had to be him. I told him to tap into that part of his brain where the memories were that held his desire to inflict pain on me and put it to good use. It must have worked — because in 40 days time, I got back about 95% of my arm movement! The other 5% was easy for me to get back on my own even though that part took another month or so before it happened.

Now when I look back about what’s written and said about the length of time people have to endure such crap with a frozen shoulder, why can’t I go into some record book for getting rid of something like this as fast as I did? I guess I’ll just need to remain content with what I did get and not complain.

One last note about my left arm: That was the same arm I recently injured again. This time I’m not going to baby it! Maybe that’s why I felt like I had to write today about my frozen shoulder experience that happened a few years ago. I needed the reminder.

¹Some aspies, such as myself, can be both hyper and/or hypo sensitive to pain. Read about Asperger’s Syndrome and Unequal Reaction to Pain.

February 26, 2008

False Alarm?

Filed under: My Life — Sheila @ 8:53 pm

I thought it was the end to my posting on my blog, but I guess God does work in strange ways. I couldn’t decide whether to explain myself more in my last post and, if so, how much would I say? Then, throughout the day my curiosity would not leave me alone. Over what? Wondering why I’m so concerned about maybe leaving my readers without saying I’m not posting anymore.

If you think what I’ve said so far is confusing, just wait . . . it will get more confusing.

It’s true I do have obsessive/compulsive behavior along with the torment of indecision, but what I neglected to mention was that my stubbornness, attitude about life, and certain things and/or people, puts me into dilemmas sometimes. Last night (or early this morning, if you prefer) was one of them.

It’s possible I was riding through mild heart challenges (of the physical nature). The experience through the night and most of today was unlike anything I can remember happening before in my life. I couldn’t sleep because of the pain in the center of my chest. I was under a lot of stress over the weekend and then I added strain to my body yesterday, but that alone wasn’t what aroused my suspicions. What bugged me was my foolish thinking from last year that led me to doing what I sensed wasn’t right to keep ignoring.

Due to suffering insomnia for so long in my life, I desperately wanted to speed up and secure a healthy sleeping pattern. That desire led me to investigate about 5-HTP (I already touched on that subject in my Snow, ice, slush, and rain post). I did something I do NOT do when researching topics. I remained one-sided with what I’d allow myself to read. I wanted to try something I never tried before, so when I read that 5-HTP not only treats insomnia but also helps to stabilize moods, I was eager to experiment upon myself. I was so eager that I didn’t want to read anything negative about it. However, even though I didn’t go looking for the cons of 5-HTP, someone responded with a warning to a post I wrote in a forum about my trying it out. He stated there were risks to the heart valves from this amino acid supplement. I remember thinking back then (last summer) that I was so tired of being tired that I didn’t care anymore. It’s one of the beauty’s of getting old — the quality of life can become more important than quantity as one gets older.

The other possibly foolish and hasty thing I did was to eagerly trust what applied kinesiology supposedly suggested as being the dosage level needed for me. I started taking 400 mg. per day for a few months. Then I dropped it down to 300 mg/day for some more months. I remained at a 200 mg/day dose for this year. Today was my first day not taking any of this supplement. Am I now in for a different kind of ride? This ought to be interesting.

Speaking of rides, shortly after posting my last post (it’s a joke; play on words, if you know what I mean . . . never mind), I took a more painful ride around 2 AM. I went outdoors then (everything was rock-solid frozen outdoors) with my Rascal pup since she needed to relieve herself and I thought maybe the fresh cold air might alleviate some of the pain in my chest. I was out there in the dark and quiet night, in only my robe and slippers, carrying a cup and saucer that had had some chamomile tea I drank up. Where I live there are lots of coyotes, some bears, and an occasional mountain lion. What’s worse though is that often times there are rabid animals around (hubby just had a buddy at work kill a rabid raccoon with a 2 by 4 board earlier that day). Anyhow, suddenly while I was still outside (I’d been out there already for about 5-10 minutes), I heard a strange scream from a wild animal very close by to where I was standing. Since I couldn’t see much because of how dark it was, I ran as fast as I could to the house (Rascal was ahead of me). Bam . . . down I went into a heap! Is that why they’re called slippers? The ground was full of sharp frozen lumps of dirt and snow and there was nothing to protect my arms and legs from getting cut as I fell and hit the ground hard. So much for the pain in my chest. The other pains overpowered that easily.

I had just been praying for God to give me something else to focus my mind on because I didn’t want to be wondering what was going on in my chest. Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it! Oh well, with all the times I trip and fall, I’ve had to learn to accept what I can’t change. I have so many accidents (yes, clutsiness is another aspie tendency) that I’ve learned to just go with the flow. Just a couple of years back, I tripped by the edge of a cliff and almost went over. Oops . . . I better not go there because I’ve got too many nutty stories in that direction to tell.

Honestly, I could compose a big fat book containing all the incidences of when I’ve gotten into trouble and/or should have not lived but yet God still insists I stick around for some odd reason. That’s why I don’t bother to go to doctors and/or hospitals. These days, hubby just patches me up while he shakes his head thinking “there she goes again.” I always know there will be another episode in the not too far future so I learn to be thankful for those days in-between when I can live somewhat normal.

Before this early morning spill resulting in my being stuck immobile again, I had planned to arrange my life differently so I wouldn’t be so tempted to be drawn back to my computer addiction. All in all, this much I know: Even though I may not always be perfectly faithful to remaining in God’s will and/or have trouble understanding what it is sometimes, I do know that God is faithful to His word. He says in Proverbs 20:24:

“Man’s goings are of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?”

If you’re confused as to why I would not call 911 and/or go to the hospital if I suspect I’m having an issue with my heart (which by the way, I did read up about such things during my puzzlement as to what was going on last night with my chest pains), it’s because I’m one of those kooks who trusts God more than any doctor. I don’t have a doctor, nor do I want one. I don’t go for check-ups, nor have I gone for check-ups either. So, if anyone thinks they’re going to change my mind about the medical profession and/or pharmaceutical industry, then let me spare you of wasting time. No one knows everything I’ve been through in my life. There are certain things in my life that I actually keep private and protect fiercely from judgmental people. If I was forced to have and pay for health insurance, I wouldn’t use it even if someone paid me.

February 25, 2008

Alternative Transportation

Filed under: My Life — Sheila @ 12:06 pm
Tags: , ,

I hated taking the school bus to school. Maybe most kids didn’t (and still don’t) like riding the bus. They would rather drive to school as soon as they were old enough. I didn’t even want to be on the highway no matter what the motorized vehicle was back then in the 60’s and 70’s.

Back in the early 70’s, my hometown area had not been ruined yet by the people moving out of the big city into the country. There was a perfect trail through the woods for me to ride my horse on to high school. It was about a four mile trip one way between where I lived and where the Rondout Valley Central School was. At that time, there were fields and woods surrounding the school property (no houses; plus, the middle school had not been built yet!).

I knew better than to ask permission from anyone for how I got to school. That was none of anyone’s business. No one cared how disturbed the bus rides made me, so I figured that no one should be disturbed if I chose to not ride the bus so long as I got to school. The school district got their money for my attendance, so what did they have to complain about? I left my horse tied far enough away from the school for him to not be a disturbance during the day. No one even knew I was doing it (except my parents and they’re both deceased now so it’s safe to tell this story without anyone getting into trouble).

Now when I look back to those days, I laugh over how one part of my journey did not expose my peculiar mode of transportation to any school authority. The easiest way there was for me to access where I would tether Jack of Diamonds involved my walking past a busy hallway in the back of the school building that was all glass on the one side of the wall. Along the outdoor side of that hallway was a narrow path with woods behind it. I’d dismount and run along Jack’s side while going past this large window — trying to remain hidden on the opposite side of him so hopefully no one would recognize me. Sometimes when I’d be hurrying by, I couldn’t resist the temptation to take a peek at how many kids were walking in the hallway and to see if they were looking. Maybe my timing was off, but whenever I’d look, it appeared as if everyone was just going about their regular daily business . . . not paying any attention to what the blonde was doing outside with her horse. The only explanation I can think of as to why nobody investigated what I was doing was that no one would think it was a student with her horse, because after all, where would she hide such a big animal during school? Surely she wouldn’t leave it alone somewhere while attending class?

The moral to this story is: There are positive aspects to being ignored and not being popular, especially when you can take such things and work them to your advantage.

Jack of Diamonds

Filed under: My Photos — Sheila @ 10:13 am
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Jack of Diamonds

Jack of Diamonds

1971 . . . getting ready to go on a run for fun.

February 24, 2008

My Metamorphosis

Yesterday was the first time in my life someone bluntly explained to me what my greatest problem is (or was?). For other aspies who think Asperger group meetings are always pleasant, be forewarned here. They are fantastic, but they also can be emotionally exhausting. There is enough tension when corrections have to be brought to the attention of members who need to change behaviors. This is especially difficult for aspies because we have an extra hard time accepting criticism due to being hypersensitive people neurologically. However, when it is ones own self (and that one, like me, is an aspie) who is the recipient of such attention, it’s enough to cause a possible meltdown.

I’m hoping that by writing about it here and now, it will help to get my anxiety level escalation over with faster. Most people might not understand this, but I’ll try to explain a little about this before I make my metamorphosis point. When I get disturbed by a stressful event, even though that event may end, the effects of that event continue to increase slowly over the next couple of days. By the third day, it usually has peaked. Then it’s after that third day when the tension can finally begin to decelerate. Most people today would want to suggest I get medication for something like this. What they don’t understand is that it is completely normal for me to be this sensitive. I no longer let anyone else try to tell me what’s best for myself, especially now after what confirmed my suspicions! Tense experiences are like the weather. All kinds of weather are needed for the ecosystem and even catastrophes are natural corrections the planet needs. Life isn’t all about being happy all the time and it definitely isn’t about making everything easy and pain-free!

What makes describing this metamorphosis of mine so challenging is that you readers, who have never known me in person, might not be able to comprehend how radically different someone can appear to be online verses offline. I’m not talking about physical appearances. I’m talking about personality.

Getting back to the insight I received yesterday — I was told that my problem was believing other people desiring me to believe that I have a problem. There were a rare few on occasion who crossed my path in life who actually thought I was fine and who accepted me as is, but that was far from the norm. I’ve grown up with constant criticism. For me to hear encouragement and/or praise almost never happens (although it looks like that may have finally started to change).

After I began learning about a year ago how being an aspie in an NT world had affected my life (and still does), many revelations started to rapidly fall into place. Maybe if this happened when I was younger, I would have felt sadness and grief because of it. But because of the many intense experiences that already happened in my life, anger and joy were the dominant emotions. I was mostly angry at myself more than anyone because of how much I betrayed myself. After realizing it wasn’t intentional and it was because I lacked so much of the knowledge I now have, I’m able to forgive myself and now be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy.

People say such things are wonderful, but I’m not finding them living up to that though. Instead of people acting like it’s great that I’ve finally learned how to stand up for myself with confidence, mostly everyone still shuns me. The excuse is different now. Most people used to say (and/or think), “Oh stop with the pity party of loneliness. Just smile and people will like you.” Take this from one who has lived it: smiling isn’t enough and whoever thinks it is, either isn’t honest and/or is stupid. Now most people say (and/or think), “Oh stop with the arrogance. You act like you know things, but you’re no expert.” Now, instead of feeling hurt and crying silently, I feel joy and laugh silently. I’m not more popular than I used to be, but I’m also not less popular than I used to be either! The difference now is I no longer feel like a beggar in life. Maybe I do strike some people as being arrogant, but that’s not my problem if they chose to misinterpret confidence as being pride.

I’m glad my aspie friend helped me to clean up the leftover residue from my old habits of my previous life-stage. It did sting a bit to hear the truth, but the truth has set me free! Since I found his insight so intriguing, I had to confirm what I’d been recently discovering on my own. I asked him, “Do you mean to tell me that what I need to do is to stop doubting myself when others try to get me to think I’ve got something wrong with my way of being? . . . That what I should be doing is to simply know that I’m fine just the way I am . . . even if it means being bold and possibly coming across as being arrogant?” He replied, “Yes. That’s right.” Well, given that this guy is about 20 years older than me and strikes me as being someone with quite a bit of wisdom (along with being a good judge of character), I believe his chastisement was one of the most purifying experiences I’ve had yet!

February 23, 2008

I just noticed . . .

Filed under: My Life — Sheila @ 10:32 am

I finally stumbled across (for the first time) the My Comments section under Dashboard; that area of WordPress that says:

This tracks comments you’ve made across WordPress.com so you can see when people reply to you. It will show your comment, one before yours, and replies after yours. The thread with the latest replies will be at top.

That makes me quite late on reading a lot of replies. I’m saying this so that those of you who wrote them don’t think I wanted to ignore what you’ve said.

It scares me because now I wonder what other surprises I’ll come across because of my disorganized manner in which I approach new projects.

It’s time for me to catch up with all my loose ends and start braiding them together. ashamed

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