I once read this statement someone made online:
…empathy which is lacking in people with Aspergers. Highly sensitive [neurotypical] people tend to show a great deal of empathy while Asperger Syndrome people do not, but I would say that empathy eventually becomes such an overwhelming emotion that they learn to shut it off.
Here’s my opinion on that remark:
What disturbs me is how much I come across the emphasis over people with Aspergers as lacking empathy; plus, where does this person get the right to claim he knows Aspies learn to shut it off?!
Given that the meaning of empathy is understanding and entering into another’s feelings, what is said about Aspies could also be said about neurotypical people. The difference is that there are many more neurotypical people than there are those with Asperger’s Syndrome, so therefore their statement about people with Aspergers lacking empathy is going to be generally accepted while the statement that neurotypical people are equally lacking in empathy (and also Theory of Mind) will generally not be accepted.
Please let me explain. I don’t doubt it will appear to most people that AS people lack empathy, but that’s only because NTs can’t understand why they’re getting the wrong impression about Aspies.
Aspies need to be cognitively taught how to interpret the inconsistency between the feelings Aspies are aware of that others are experiencing (i.e., body language) versus what these others are orally saying.
Understanding non-verbal messages comes intuitively easy for neurotypicals when the messages are coming from other NTs, because NTs share the same body signals while joining it with a different audible message. It’s that illogical combination which throws Aspies into confusion. That’s why NTs are confused by an Aspie’s honesty and consistency between what he is saying in his body language and his oral words (i.e., saying what he means and means what he is saying).
Aspies can perceive NTs as lacking empathy because of a NT’s inability to intuitively understand Aspies in order to enter into what the AS person feels. Even with that said, true understanding, of the “other’s” side of thinking, cannot be had with either mode of hard-wiring in a brain because each has their own opposite way of perception. One is no more correct than the other…they’re just different.
The other example, Theory of Mind, means the ability to recognize and understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next. True, those with AS lack this ability with neurotypicals. Also true though, is that neurotypicals lack this ability with AS people. If this wasn’t the case, then NT people would not need to be cognitively taught that AS people are not intentionally rude in social situations and that AS people cannot be deceptive in the same way that most people hide what they truly mean (AS language is called blunt but yet NT language is full of double-talk). It also explains why NT people cannot understand and/or predict the behavior of AS people.
I hope I’ve explained myself well enough to be understood here and that the reasons for bringing this up are not misjudged. I feel that if awareness about Asperger’s Syndrome is going to increase, then it’s important that accuracy in describing what this is about be included. It’s a tendency for people who do not (or cannot) focus for long periods of time to hastily arrive at conclusions without thinking things through thoroughly enough. This is why we need all people…we all have things of worth to share and this is what I wanted to share.
P.S. — The blue text is what Martha Schmidtmann Dunne included on page 176 of her book ”Wait, What Do You Mean?”: Asperger’s Tell and Show.