Sheila Schoonmaker

Yesterday was the first time in my life someone bluntly explained to me what my greatest problem is (or was?). For other aspies who think Asperger group meetings are always pleasant, be forewarned here. They are fantastic, but they also can be emotionally exhausting. There is enough tension when corrections have to be brought to the attention of members who need to change behaviors. This is especially difficult for aspies because we have an extra hard time accepting criticism due to being hypersensitive people neurologically. However, when it is ones own self (and that one, like me, is an aspie) who is the recipient of such attention, it’s enough to cause a possible meltdown.

I’m hoping that by writing about it here and now, it will help to get my anxiety level escalation over with faster. Most people might not understand this, but I’ll try to explain a little about this before I make my metamorphosis point. When I get disturbed by a stressful event, even though that event may end, the effects of that event continue to increase slowly over the next couple of days. By the third day, it usually has peaked. Then it’s after that third day when the tension can finally begin to decelerate. Most people today would want to suggest I get medication for something like this. What they don’t understand is that it is completely normal for me to be this sensitive. I no longer let anyone else try to tell me what’s best for myself, especially now after what confirmed my suspicions! Tense experiences are like the weather. All kinds of weather are needed for the ecosystem and even catastrophes are natural corrections the planet needs. Life isn’t all about being happy all the time and it definitely isn’t about making everything easy and pain-free!

What makes describing this metamorphosis of mine so challenging is that you readers, who have never known me in person, might not be able to comprehend how radically different someone can appear to be online verses offline. I’m not talking about physical appearances. I’m talking about personality.

Getting back to the insight I received yesterday — I was told that my problem was believing other people desiring me to believe that I have a problem. There were a rare few on occasion who crossed my path in life who actually thought I was fine and who accepted me as is, but that was far from the norm. I’ve grown up with constant criticism. For me to hear encouragement and/or praise almost never happens (although it looks like that may have finally started to change).

After I began learning about a year ago how being an aspie in an NT world had affected my life (and still does), many revelations started to rapidly fall into place. Maybe if this happened when I was younger, I would have felt sadness and grief because of it. But because of the many intense experiences that already happened in my life, anger and joy were the dominant emotions. I was mostly angry at myself more than anyone because of how much I betrayed myself. After realizing it wasn’t intentional and it was because I lacked so much of the knowledge I now have, I’m able to forgive myself and now be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy.

People say such things are wonderful, but I’m not finding them living up to that though. Instead of people acting like it’s great that I’ve finally learned how to stand up for myself with confidence, mostly everyone still shuns me. The excuse is different now. Most people used to say (and/or think), “Oh stop with the pity party of loneliness. Just smile and people will like you.” Take this from one who has lived it: smiling isn’t enough and whoever thinks it is, either isn’t honest and/or is stupid. Now most people say (and/or think), “Oh stop with the arrogance. You act like you know things, but you’re no expert.” Now, instead of feeling hurt and crying silently, I feel joy and laugh silently. I’m not more popular than I used to be, but I’m also not less popular than I used to be either! The difference now is I no longer feel like a beggar in life. Maybe I do strike some people as being arrogant, but that’s not my problem if they chose to misinterpret confidence as being pride.

I’m glad my aspie friend helped me to clean up the leftover residue from my old habits of my previous life-stage. It did sting a bit to hear the truth, but the truth has set me free! Since I found his insight so intriguing, I had to confirm what I’d been recently discovering on my own. I asked him, “Do you mean to tell me that what I need to do is to stop doubting myself when others try to get me to think I’ve got something wrong with my way of being? . . . That what I should be doing is to simply know that I’m fine just the way I am . . . even if it means being bold and possibly coming across as being arrogant?” He replied, “Yes. That’s right.” Well, given that this guy is about 20 years older than me and strikes me as being someone with quite a bit of wisdom (along with being a good judge of character), I believe his chastisement was one of the most purifying experiences I’ve had yet!