Sheila Schoonmaker's Maiden Blog

Fact: It’s a common ’symptom’ and characteristic of Aspergers for Aspergians to not look others in the eye when conversing.

Myths: All Aspies have ‘difficulty’ maintaining eye contact. Aspies who do have this difficulty have no valid reason for this socially unacceptable behavior.

The most important and least known about factor in this equation is based on what is meant by difficult. The real issue here stems from the difference between the way an Aspie mind processes information and how a neurotypical brain does so.

Aspergians don’t have the same kind of data input ‘filters’ that NTs do. NTs normally don’t get overwhelmed by what’s around them. There are many things which escape their perception. Tests prove this.¹ Because Aspies unconsciously absorb too much information at once, it’s necessary to maintain focus on one thought at a time. An audible analogy of this principle would be like listening to a radio. You can only enjoy it if you tune into one station at a time. Imagine if you had no control over all the stations coming in at once. If that happened, you’d have to ‘tune out’ all interfering channels which prevent your concentration on the one channel that’s holding your interest.

This same principle of ‘multi-channel’ interference goes on when an NT is trying to converse with an Asperger person. I know this because I consciously practice paying attention to what I’m doing while holding a thought-provoking conversation with another person. Every time I have to respond by creating a new thought (e.g., rephrasing a statement into a question so as not to ‘offend’ the other party — often times as a ‘what if?’), before I can ‘grab’ my ‘new’ thought, I HAVE TO break eye contact in order to concentrate. If I was forced to keep my eyes focused on a person while she is talking to me during an intense and/or deep conversation, then she will not benefit from what I have to offer because I will be too distracted by other thoughts . . . just like you’d be if you were forced to hear all stations channeling in at once into your mind.

This is why you see an Asperger child become disturbed and uncomfortable whenever he is forced to look someone in the eye who is talking to him. He is trying to think, but when the talker insists on eye contact, he is struggling to hang onto what’s going on through his mind. Children are too young to be able to realize this is what’s going on because they cannot grasp the concept of someone else not thinking the same way they do. They have no clue that an NT’s brain does not function like theirs. How could they, especially when NTs don’t even know that this is what’s going on. It takes life experience and work to learn such things. Aspie children should learn this, but NTs are not going to teach them because they are the majority and the majority gets to make the rules.

How is forced eye contact any different than a parent telling her or his child, “You do it because I said so and I’m the Mom/Dad!” What if that parent doesn’t know what they’re doing, but s/he thinks s/he does simply because s/he is older? Of course most people want to do what’s best, but how does someone know what’s best if they’re ignorant of why someone does what s/he does?

I think it’s foolish, egotistical, and destructive for society to always insist upon ‘proper’ eye contact. Looking away helps concentration, so why ‘dumb down’ those who are neurologically developing in a different manner that neurotypicals cannot understand? For what reason? Because it makes most people feel insulted if someone isn’t transmitting eye contact with them the way that most others do?

¹Read the section Being Oblivious in Temple Grandin’s book, “Animals in Translation.” Along with other reference material suggested in that section, she states that “Normal human beings are blind to anything they’re not paying attention to.” Towards the end of that section, she also writes, “Being able to filter out distractions is a good thing; just ask anyone who can’t filter things out, like a person with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It’s hard for humans to function intellectually when every little sensory detail in their environment keeps hijacking their attention. You go into information overload.”

Postscript added on 3.5.10 — Eye non-contact works both ways and so does social awkwardness.

Postscript added on 7.22.10 — There is another reason Aspies look away from the eyes of the person they’re conversing with. It’s to decrease the level of emotion being felt coming from the other person. Eyes can be periodically looked away from, but sensitive ears can’t turn off what’s being heard in someone’s tone of voice (or the way his body moves, etc.).

When you add the information Maia Szalavitz received from Aspies (written with a bias against Aspergers), it should be enough for NTs to begin to have a clearer understanding about the differences between NTs and Aspies in regard to eye-contact during conversations.