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It Was Inevitable

  • Posted on September 30, 2008

It was inevitable to me that there exists a level at which it becomes impossible to explain how neurotypicals and aspies both lack theory of mind. As this gap of understanding decreases between me and my NT daughter (who is now an adult), we increasingly begin to see how hopeless it is for others to ever grasp knowing what she and I now know.

I was going to go deeper into explaining how misjudgments happen by writing another post using examples. I thank God I asked for my daughter’s opinion on whether or not I should publish the post I wrote earlier today (it’s now deleted and will stay that way). My gut feeling was telling me not to do it, but my good intentions where saying otherwise.

After sharing with my daughter what I planned to write about, she knew she had to tell me things that she didn’t want to share. She knew it would hurt my feelings deeply, but she also knew that if I didn’t get this information, I could not realize how incapable and/or how unwilling readers (relatives and acquaintances included) would be to understand what I was trying to explain.¹

I gave her my word that I would not tell anyone what she shared with me. Because such privacy is necessary, it confirms just about everything I had suspected throughout my life. It’s unbelievable how ironic the whole situation is turning out with learning about how differently neurotypicals think versus how aspies think.

The more that my daughter and I gain knowledge that has the potential to help others, the more we’re able to see how this would backfire against us because of the ignorance level which exists in society and the cognitive inability most people have. She and I can continue to become closer from what we can teach each other, because fate has created a way for us to be beyond a level unable to be attained by humanistic means.

If what I’m saying here sounds confusing, I apologize. I would love more than anything for aspergers to be understood correctly, but now I see I’ve reached a point at which it is best I go no further (deeper) with talking about it.

Feeling as hurt as I do now (by knowing what I know) has knocked the wind out of my sail for sure. Without motivation, it is time for me to move on to other things outside of those related to the autism spectrum.

With that being said, should my blog remain on the Autism Hub and BlogNetNews.com/Autism or should it be taken off? If it is off, then how will people know about all that I’ve written so far on the topic of Aspergers? If it is on the hub, then my blog could be misleading if readers are unaware of the buried posts related to Aspergers.

¹I’m not referring to what I’ve already written in my blog. I am talking about things I have not mentioned. They are things which the public is unaware of and impacts families and society to a greater degree.

It Always Works For Me!

  • Posted on September 29, 2008

How could I forget something so crucial?! I guess that’s what exhaustion does for a person.

Instead of rewording what I’ve already said in a comment I wrote from my post Sleeping With Insomnia, I’ll just copy and paste it here. I think the information is too vital to risk the chance that others may miss benefitting from it.

I see what I’ve neglected to add and am reminded of things I forgot about my childhood. My parents always had me go to bed in my own bedroom, but in spite of that, I didn’t end up staying there for the same reasons as your son’s. After having written this post, I asked how many other adults in my aspie group have to deal with nightmares. Surprisingly the answer was only a few do. This sleep disturbance seems to be more prominent among children. I think there are too many factors which could possibly be acting upon the way one sleeps as an adult for any ‘professional’ to be able to give a reliable answer.

I may have given the wrong impression, since I too get overstimulated by anything electronic. Having said that, it probably makes little sense as to why I sometimes use a CD player for help to sleep. On the nights I listen to my CD, my mind tends to be extraordinarily overstimulated all on its own. I have no idea what percentage of the time it works. All I know is that it has given me a break from my own inability to ‘ground’ my thoughts. It takes discernment and practice to know what things can be focused on without over-focusing on it (you probably already know that).

I heard the advice of eastern meditation (e.g., focusing on breathing to stay in the ‘present’). That doesn’t work for many aspies. A tip I failed to mention has a perfect success rate for me. I forgot to include it, because it had been a long while since I last experienced it before writing this post. I can remember to include it in this comment due to finally getting this ‘treatment’ last night. My parents would never have done it for me, but fortunately I must have intuitively known to give top priority to marry a man who is gifted with knowing how to give a massage. My husband never was taught any techniques. He just knows how to squeeze the anxiety out of me (he should, because for many years, he was the greatest contributor of stress in my life¹ and I thank God that’s over!). It isn’t often I get to receive his therapeutic strength, but when I do, it works 100% of the time!

I did have the same Alexandar Scourby’s CDs as yours, but gave them away because of the way he talks (like there is a fire in his mouth and the words are running out to escape for their lives!). It’s critical that I listen to a soothing voice speaking at a slower pace.

I finally got a needed wonderful night’s sleep what I last night! )

¹He admits it and now sees what he couldn’t back then. Only the ignorant would claim this is an arrogant statement.

Running On Empty

  • Posted on September 28, 2008

Running On Empty

Sleeping With Insomnia

  • Posted on September 26, 2008

Insomnia doesn’t mean never being able to sleep. It means being unable to remain asleep for an adequate length of time.

Usually insomnia stems from anxiety and worry. Even though Aspies are known for being anxious most of the time, research seems to indicate other factors as possibly being the cause for some aspies’ unusual sleeping patterns.¹

Because I’ve never known what ‘normal’ sleep is like, I’ve always wondered why my sleeping experiences are so different. I wasn’t the only one who wondered. A psychology professor I had who taught Psychology of the Conscious, was also baffled. My dream journal disturbed him so much that he highly suggested I find a therapist who might be able to makes some sense out of my vividly morbid nightmares. Contrary to what most people might think, nightmares do NOT always indicate an underlying psychopathology.

Even though I’ve had nightmares and night terrors all throughout my life (sometimes more often than others), I did not develop chronic insomnia until after I was married and raising children. The insomnia never left, but it has decreased since its acute 13 years.

I have a healthy method that both helps me to get back to sleep and curb the horrors my mind creates when dreaming. However, there are times when nothing works. It’s those nights when I know that the best thing I can do is find something quiet to do for the night—like writing this post for example.

Obviously, it is important to have as comfortable of a place to sleep as possible. A waveless waterbed mattress made up of cylinder tubes with foam and water minimize the urge to toss and turn. Down feather pillows make the ideal complement. No headboard can beat an open window bringing in fresh country air! It’s great when the nights turn cold, because then I can bury myself under a nice heavy down comforter. If it’s not cold, I make due by covering myself with my pillows. I wear a pilot/trapper/trooper hat and a sleep mask that covers my eyes, since I’m sensitive to temperature and light changes.

Those things take care of the body, but they’re not enough for a constantly hyper-active mind.

Since I rarely ever sleep through the night without waking up, the tricky part is to keep the times of being awake as short as possible. If I’m creating my own thoughts, it can take me hours before I’ll fall back asleep. However, if an external source leads my thoughts, then sleep may come back after a couple of minutes. I’ve found a way to get my mind back to sleep AND decrease my nightmares at the same time!

I wear comfortable earphones connected with an extended wire to a bedside stereo system that plays the bible on CD. Since it is recorded in an MP3 file format, the entire bible fits onto 2 CDs. That means I can leave one CD in all night without having to hear something being repeated many times over. What does often happen as I listen to this while sleeping is I end up having dreams with someone speaking scripture to me. I never had a nightmare yet while listening to the bible in my sleep. I’ve tried listening to music while sleeping, but that doesn’t help much since it doesn’t provide me with something to think about. Since I cannot turn off my thinking when going to sleep and too much thinking keeps me awake (and can also wake me up), hearing the bible provides the perfect balance!² For those who would call this brainwashing, my response would be, “Mankind needs his brain washed, since human nature is depraved.”

¹I’ve learned some interesting things about nightmares, night terrors, and the aspie mind from my past research. Unfortunately, I no longer have those sources for linking into posts. I’ve tried searching again, but have not been able to find them. I have found other insights into this subject and will write about it some other day.

²So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. — Romans 10:17

Autumnal Equinox Rocks!

  • Posted on September 22, 2008

Hey, I can do small talk . . . when it’s about something that arouses my passions.

I like the equinoxes. Only twice a year, we get to experience day and night being about equal in length all over the world. This year, fall starts today in the Northern Hemisphere at 11:44:18 A.M. EDT. Thanks to the earth taking turns, one end of the planet can cool down while the other end warms back up.

Even though I’ll miss seeing the sun shining longer in the day, I do like the calm and quiet peace that comes with earlier evenings. I thrive on seasonal changes. They’re so stimulating!

This past Sunday, when I went outdoors, I was hit with the powerful scent of drying maple leaves. I have no idea why that always makes me feel so good! I’m not a ‘flower’ person, but I sure get excited over colorful autumn leaves! That’s highly evident by the way I made the inside of my house look.

Besides the pleasant surprise of leaf aromas, a pumpkin captivated my attention while I was walking my dog. I wonder if this one particular pumpkin owner, whose house I passed by, would feel too creepy over my asking to photograph the one I saw growing in his yard? There is something uniquely beautiful about each pumpkin I see, but this one is special. How does someone compliment a person on such things without making her feel nervous or him maybe assuming I have an ulterior motive? People are understanding if it’s a photographer for a magazine asking, but one for a blog? I need to exorcize the ‘why must you do that?!‘ ghost which periodically haunts me.

As I’m typing away here in the wee hours of the morning and feeling the temperature dropping, I’m being reminded of something I’ve literally put behind me and have forgotten. It is my desktop. No, it’s not the one on my computer. It’s the one that was on my desk several months ago that I couldn’t decide whether or not to put back, or where to permanently store it, if it doesn’t go back on my desk. The large section is on the floor and the small one rests on the stove. They don’t match, but I don’t care. It is a bit too close to the stove to light it up, huh?↓

Wood Stove

Desk Top

Without this wood stove burning, or the one in the cellar (which is surrounded with even more crap), the house will only get colder as each day draws closer to winter. I know! . . . I’ll chop up the darn thing and put it into the wood stove!

How I Am Easily Misjudged

  • Posted on September 21, 2008

I have a fresh example of how wrong motives lead to wrong conclusions. By wrong, I mean incorrect assumptions as opposed to wrong meaning bad. For example, you can have the wrong time, but you can’t have the bad time. When you’re having a bad time, that doesn’t mean time itself is bad. A bad time means your experience during that time felt bad. Someone else could be having a good time while you’re having a bad one.

Last night, my husband’s friend came to visit again. This guy is not my enemy, but it’s also obvious he wouldn’t enjoy regular visits to chit-chat with me if my husband did not exist. Anyhow, our visitor does like to engage in conversation with me on occasion. I guess the reason conversations can often times be less enjoyable between me and this guest is because of the work involved in our communicating. The body language aspect in this example is irrelevant. You’ll soon understand why (I hope).

I have always had an insatiable curiosity to know what other people think. This passion increases when it comes to information about what other people think about me. Immediately, my motive for this is misjudged because practically nobody wants to learn what others think about them for the same reason I do.¹ There I went, getting sucked inside another vortex of frustration when trying to explain myself. This guy will eventually ‘get it’ because he finally knows me well enough for me to bring up his correct conclusions about me that he already has, in order to weave them into this wrong one so it can be eliminated. Then, he will be able to see how he made another mistake in spite of his being highly intelligent. What the guest needs is to be ‘properly’ educated. Why? Because when two radically different minds (that do NOT process information in the same manner) get together to have a conversation (i.e., a neurotypical and an aspie), it is inevitable that misjudgments are going to endlessly abound.

Last night, I was constantly being advised to stop worrying about what other people think about me. No matter how many times I told him I am not worried about it, he kept insisting that I was. He believed he was right because he was looking at me through his neurotypical colored agnostic glasses. I need to know what other people think about me sometimes, because I need to know how they think. People should also know how I think, because we all have to share this same planet. I do not claim to be ‘better’ than others, but I (along with a substantial amount of other sane people) do also know that others have NO right to automatically claim their mental health is ’better’ than mine (no matter how much they might like to convince themselves so). Most folks already know how typical people think because they already think alike. Since my brain has its own invisible path to answers that is very different from the way other minds operate, people cannot judge me correctly. They think they are because they’re so used to the way ‘normal’ people think. ‘Normal’ people don’t realize how spoiled they are by how much easier it is for them to communicate among their own kind. They also have no clue how much effort I have to put forth when working at communicating a message to someone so he is able to understand me correctly.²

I have an analogy that hopefully helps others to understand why I don’t worry over what others think about me. God being God in my life is the biggest reason. I do have another reason and it is fairly simple.

Now that I’ve learned how impossible it is for me (generally speaking) to get others acquainted with me to form the kind of friendship that most people are sometimes blessed with, I quit trying to make it happen. For me, it’s either going to happen or it’s not. Having said that, I’m sure many would argue with me on this since they can’t imagine what it is like to be me.

I’ll use sexual behavior as an analogy. Try real hard to envision a man who has NO sex drive but yet would want to get pregnant and carry this baby inside his body. In this odd analogy, there is still a need to copulate with the opposite sex in order to beget a child. Since this man knows only women are able to bear children, and his only reason he would want to engage in sex with a woman would be for him to be the one to bear a child (rather than the woman), he would not bother with trying to do something impossible. If, by chance, science came up with a way for doctors to help this guy achieve his desire to experience pregnancy first hand, then maybe he would pursue women sexually to attain this. In my case, for me to make a friend, God has to be my surgeon to work upon the mind of whoever might be my potential friend. By myself, I cannot do it. My husband, my daughter, and my son, would vouch to that.

In this scenario regarding my social unpopularity, there is no reason for me to worry about what others think of me. It might be what most neurotypicals do, since their minds function enough alike to make it natural for them to develop friendships when they put forth the effort. When you have a brain AND a spirit that both contain a nature too weird for others to comprehend, trust me→ making friends cannot happen by willful effort no matter how hard one tries. By trying, I don’t mean sacrificing who you are and the way you think to accommodate the other person’s comfort zone.

True friendship requires both parties to meet halfway, but unless they share the same spirit (resulting from common ground faith), having the same neurological structure doesn’t go very far. Even with the same spirit, if the neuro-cultures are not alike, the friendship is limited in growth when compared to those sharing identical neuro-culture relationships.

¹It might be possible that there are some other aspies who have the same motive as me, but since I’ve even had to explain this to an aspie friend of mine, that tells me EVERYONE should be cautious about making assumptions!

²My husband and my daughter are finally just beginning to grasp and appreciate my efforts. They both admit they’ve never known anyone to be so much work to understand as I am. Sadly, my parents, half-sisters, cousins, and all other relatives outside of my immediate household, never really knew me well enough to want to get to know me. I don’t blame anyone. God predestined them to no longer be a part of my life, so that He could form me into who I am now. Today, I can appreciate everything in life—even those things that once upon a time hurt deeply.

Society Can Be Its Own Worst Enemy

  • Posted on September 20, 2008

I doubt most people realize the Catch 22 situation that hinders society from being able to dispel the myths about Aspergers syndrome and to get the proper information that’s needed in order for the right people to be in authority on matters in regard to Aspergers.

Most of the time and money being poured into research to study about AS is not only wasteful, but also potentially destructive. Too many wrong conclusions are made because of relying upon observations. Observations are fine, but what is lacking is enough of the right kind of communication.

How can I say this, especially when I haven’t had as much time being aware of Aspergers existence as many others? Because the information that really counts, when it comes to grasping what Aspergers is, does NOT come from structured research done in controlled environments specifically designed for studies.

The best source of knowledge, as with most things, comes from experiences that happen in life naturally.¹ For example, we can’t control things like who our relatives are and/or the way a lot of events unfold over time. Such things can be a curse or a blessing, depending on how you perceive them and what you do with them.

My life is a good example of a situation in which a desired outcome or solution seems impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules and conditions. The desired outcome I’d like to see is a way for me to take what I’ve learned and have it boosted up to the forefront so it is at least on par with all the misinformation that has already had a chance to spread. The set of inherently illogical rules have arrived because too much wrong information has received the opportunity to embed itself into society. A condition that adds to the impossibility has to do with the amount of insufficient intelligence that exists. There are other conditions too (e.g., politics), but those kinds of things are not as exclusive to Aspergers.

Starting with intelligence, it is both relative and relevant. An IQ point gives the illusion of an intelligence level as being absolute (existing independently), but such numbers should not be used like those on a measuring cup. It’s disgusting to see how IQ points have become like a scoreboard in a competition event! That being said, intelligence still remains highly relevant for understanding Aspergers. However, a high IQ isn’t enough to guarantee its comprehension. Adding to that, other aspects also influence the ability to grasp such a complex concept as Aspergers.

What is known about AS is only the tip of the iceberg. The bulk of it will probably always remain a mystery to most people. I’m not saying we should give up on educating the public about AS. What I am saying is that those who have the authority to create and/or enforce rules and/or laws that set the way society handles Aspergers must NOT be done by those who truly do not understand it. In all probability, those who do ‘get it’ well enough will also have the integrity to incorporate their knowledge properly. Wrong motives usually produce unreliable outcomes. Curiosity driven by those who love an aspie(s?) is not the same thing as the type driven by a passion to be an ‘authority’ on the subject.

I gave one example of how illogical rules and conditions affected Mary Newport in my post about Unequal Reactions to Fame. I have many examples, but I can’t publicize them without putting the people in these examples at risk. This is also why I have to keep what I post limited to a certain level that’s far from being as helpful to society as whatever I may already have on my blog for others to gain insight from.

This ‘handicap’ works the other way too. I could offer more if I could get feedback that would have greater detail instead of comments remaining relatively vague. That’s to be expected given the risks that come along with using the internet. In spite of such blocks that exist for developing a greater understanding of Aspergers for those who don’t ‘get it’, fate has managed to provide alternative sources for helping me to understand the neurotypical mind. I will not divulge the specifics I’m referring to because of knowing what can happen if I do. People should know I don’t want to hoard what I get and use it only for myself and my family, but also people should know society is to blame when beneficial information is kept private.

I doubt I’m the only one who is aware of society being its own worst enemy in this way. What’s uncommon is to see attention brought to this situation. If it wasn’t for certain people of high intelligence, who actually know me (not totally, but well enough) and who give their input as to what they’ve witnessed happening and continue to see happening, what I was beginning to suspect never would have been confirmed.

One fact repeatedly witnessed is how consistently judgments made about me can end up being completely opposite from the truth. Another thing pointed out was this correlation → The lower the intelligence, the lower the accuracy of judging. The higher the intelligence, the less mistakes (generally speaking). Patience and proper information are also necessary, but without enough of a capacity to process the information gained, the ability to reach the level of insight necessary to begin to perceive things correctly is impossible. That might sound arrogant, but how can anyone point out this vital aspect without offending some? To refrain from such bold statements, is irresponsible behavior.

¹Neurotypical moms observing their aspie children they live with day and night can be more helpful than psychologists whose only exposure to aspies are their clients who come into their office by appointment. However, those sources alone do NOT provide enough information for either of them to be writing as reliable of a book about Aspergers as certain aspies can (can does not mean will). Children have not lived a substantial lifetime yet, so it is impossible for them to be able to offer what mature aspies can give, especially ones who have experienced a lot of different things in life.

What Would Cesar Millan Say?

  • Posted on September 18, 2008

Cesar Millan always emphasizes exercise, discipline, and affection to achieve balance in a dog’s life. He also stresses that dogs need rules, boundaries, and limitations.

I get the idea behind teaching a dog that its owner must be the pack leader. Dogs are not to train their owner just like children should not be allowed to train their parents.

When I first got my Chi-Poo dog Rascal, she quickly began to establish dominance over me. She came from a breeder who kept her in a home environment with children, so she was socialized. When she moved in with me, she was 8 weeks old.

For the first year I had her, I became increasingly torn between keeping her versus returning her. Maybe because of knowing I had this option, I procrastinated over the idea of returning her. For me to return a dog like her, things have to get quite bad, and they did!

I’ve always had pets throughout my life, but I never encountered such a confusing situation as I did with Rascal. She would bite (puncturing skin) for no apparent reason at unpredictable times.

I got all kinds of advice on how to handle her. That doesn’t lead to a whole lot of consistency for someone who already struggles with indecision. It didn’t take me long to give up on trying to follow what others tried to tell me, especially since such an addiction used to be a lifetime nightmare of mine.

Rascal’s biting did not have any apparent pattern. I got bit while carrying her, even though nothing seemed to trigger it. She bit me while I was sleeping in bed.¹ I had to be careful when playing with her, since my hands were close to her mouth.² I was heartbroken and concerned over keeping such a dog because of grandchildren possibly getting bit too.

The woman I got her from said she could not understand why this was happening. She thought Rascal and I were a good match for each other. Her suggestion was to keep Rascal’s food dish empty until Rascal was hungry, and then feed her only what she would eat at that time. That was another tip I abandoned.

Besides the biting challenge, I never had a puppy that needed to relieve itself as many times in the day as Rascal did! We went outdoors about 30 times per day. To me, it was unbelievable behavior for a healthy dog. I later learned that little dogs do their business many more times per day than bigger ones. After Rascal matured beyond her first birthday, her need to go outdoors decreased to around 7-8 times per day. That’s interesting, considering how well she’s able to sleep for 9-10 hours straight through the night without needing to go outside. It didn’t take her long to learn to ring her doorbell to let me know when she wants to go out. I didn’t teach my cat, Puzzles, to use the bell. However, she watched Rascal and now if she sees I’m not paying attention to her, she smacks that bell when she wants to go outside to relieve herself (she also rattles the outer door when she is done and wants to come in).³

Now I’ll describe how off balance things were during this biting stage. Rascal did not receive the kind of exercise seen on National Geographic’s program Dog Whisperer. I thought she got plenty of exercise with the amount of playing that went on. As for discipline, I’m sure Cesar Millan would have a few words to say to me in that area. In regard to affection, I’ve never learned how to turn that valve off.

Even though Rascal bit me periodically during our first year together, I could not stop loving her more each day. Then one day her urge to bite simply stopped. I have only one guess as to why, because NOTHING other than my indecisive attitude changed.

It didn’t seem right that God would leave me in a state of confusion over deciding what would be best for Rascal—for me to keep her or not keep her. Confusion is the devil’s work. Peace is evidence of God’s will being done. I knew did not have peace, so I prayed to know what God would have me do. His answer was quick and clear→ keep Rascal, trust Him [God], and stop trying to get answers from anyone and/or anywhere else. At first, I didn’t like that answer because I was tired of not knowing how many more times I might get bit. I wanted to believe she’d be better off with someone else, but somehow I knew that would be a decision I’d regret if I acted upon it. However, I did notice an immediate peace that came with the decision to forget about the option of parting with her. I was ready to accept and do whatever it took (e.g., if need be, keep her crated while grandchildren are visiting, etc.). I vowed, ”I, Sheila, take you, Rascal, for my lawful pet, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for fun, for work, in pain from bites and in joy from laughs, until death do us part.” (I wouldn’t exactly call posting up a 350 foot long fence in poison ivy and hot weather without any assistance, along with 30 puppy potty trips/day, fun.)

Since that day of the unrevocable commitment, it’s amazing how wonderful Rascal has become! She’s also learned to speak (not sounding like a bark, but rather like a long ‘please’ except with a dog’s voice) when she wants help with something (like getting her ball out from under the couch). Rascal is very gentle with my eight month old granddaughter and my two year old grandson. She knows babies need dogs that know how to be around them. I see Rascal is confident with her own behavior and enjoys loving children. As soon as she hears their arrival, she gets so happy that she does a comical five minute dance—running around as fast as her little legs can carry her!

I now take Rascal for lengthy daily walks. However, I’m not so sure the discipline part of the equation equals the exercise and affection. It almost seems as if she never needs to be disciplined because she obeys so beautifully. She knows what pleases me and what doesn’t. When I’m pleased, she is. When she’s pleased, I am. She finally trusts me completely as a leader and loves it that way!

I guess the moral to this story is, “Whatever (or whoever) might be testing your patience, never give up. Loving persistence will be rewarded with many blessings.”

¹I did try keeping her in a crate during the night. That ended up with me not being able to sleep because of her crying.

²I was advised to use toys which would keep my hands not close to her mouth. Since the explanation wasn’t logical to me, I quickly discarded that tip too.

³My other cat, Oliver, is never permitted to go outdoors. That was one of the agreements Oliver’s breeder insisted upon. I gave my word I would keep to it. It wasn’t easy to watch Oliver learn to accept this, but now he is quite content with that arrangement. If I’m too wrapped up in what I’m doing and Puzzles happens to be outdoors when it’s starting to get dark, Oliver will remind me to tell her it’s time for her to come in for the night.

Birds of a Feather

  • Posted on September 12, 2008

Birds of a feather flock together, but what happens when a bird is too rare to be able to find the others with similar feathers?

At home last night, my husband was talking about an earlier chat he had with a female acquaintance who joined his visit while at his friend’s house. Later, that friend then came to visit him at our house (minus the female acquaintance). After listening to some things said (no, it wasn’t gossip), particularly the part referencing me, I got to thinking about this same curious incident which repeatedly occurs.

Yesterday was another one of those times when someone in my community made a reference to me (here specifically, being ’socially correct’ to ask my husband how I’m doing), in the usual distinct and subtle manner that reveals a dislike. It’s not quite so subtle though when the referencing is done with someone thought ’safe’ to tell, but then the beans end up getting embarrassingly spilled and the cook runs to hide rather than apologize and clean up the mess.

Everyone knows it’s wrong to say things which would hurt someone’s feelings if they heard it, but the problem with decoding what’s hurtful depends on each unique individual being talked about and how thoughts are communicated. That’s why I prefer writing over talking→ it gives me more time to think for expressing myself better. Plus, I doubt it needs to be said that aspies and neurotypicals encounter some huge struggles when it comes to socializing with each other face-to-face.

Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I must be mean and/or arrogant since I have the audacity to say it’s uncommon for me to ‘like’ someone as I get acquainted with him or her in person, I need to clarify my definition of like. It must also be pointed out that it’s equally rare for me to be liked.

Like is about as vague of a word as love is. People say things like, “I love pizza.” Does this mean they’re happy when the pizza is happy and feel sad when the pizza feels sad? No. It would be more accurate to say, “I like pizza.” However, people are not like pizza. We have feelings. We’re human. That’s why all persons need to love one another and why no one should be offended because of not being liked.

The reason it sounds harsh to tell someone, “I don’t like you,” is because we know it’s enjoyable to be liked. Whether “I don’t like you” is expressed audibly, written, through body language, or by ceasing to have contact, the end message remains the same.¹ The difference though with verbalizing and/or writing it is that it leaves the guess work out of the picture. As much as aspies struggle with non-verbal messages from NTs, NTs I see have just as difficult of a time deciphering the non-verbal messages aspies give.

Judging from how consistently difficult it is for NTs to get acquainted with me and the challenge that arises for both myself and NTs during face-to-face communication,² I have to resort to writing in order to lessen the amount of misunderstanding.

If and/or when I don’t like a person, it’s because he doesn’t have enough of the right flavor to taste appealing. It is NOT because he doesn’t like me. However, when others don’t like me, it’s primarily because they don’t like being seen. I can’t speak for all aspies, but I can say that the ones I’ve gotten acquainted with seem to have a knack for seeing double messages.³ I need to remember this suspicion of mine has been repeatedly confirmed by my loving family members telling me that’s what they observe.

Is it a mixed message to claim to love your neighbors but yet, at the same time, admit having a distaste for them? Not really. It’s not unlike the experience parents have when their kids are testing their patience. It’s a lot easier to like your children when watching them sleep than when having to deal with them while they’re behaving in an unpleasant manner. There are times you don’t like them. There is never a time you don’t love them.

¹Even though the end message is the same, there is never any excuse for communicating it in a hurtful way. NTs prefer being told by leaving hints. Aspies suffer from hints, because hints often times require a lot of work to sort out the details. Aspies can learn to copy some of the NT hinting methods. That makes NTs happy, but when an aspie does it to another aspie, it creates anger, is insulting, and selfish. Aspies, of all people, should know what they’re putting another aspie through when they’re acting neurotypical.

²I noticed that I’m more aware of the challenge than NTs are. NTs assume they’re understanding me, but in reality, their imagination is filling in the gaps.

³Colin Mackey points this out to Martha Horgan in the novel A Dangerous Woman by Mary McGarry Morris. Martha too could not understand why no one liked her. Mackey told her→ it’s not so much that people don’t like you, but rather dislike your ability to see them. Martha’s struggle was in choosing which message to believe→ the truth versus what she wanted to believe. Even though this is a novel (and a movie on VHS, except without this part the book contains), the character of Martha displays an excellent example of an aspie woman. Now that I’ve mentioned this, I pray people don’t jump to the conclusion that aspie women do what Martha did in the story which made her infamous. What Martha did, anyone is capable of without the grace of God.

I Was There!

  • Posted on September 11, 2008

I was there, so I should know.

I consistently observe the same reaction whenever I tell others that people (generally speaking) were friendlier towards me the further back I go in my life. I would add to that, I notice friendliness decreasing as time goes on. I suspect that this might not as much be the case for neurotypicals. Younger aspies I doubt have lived long enough to know what I’m talking about.

I guess the first conclusion most people might jump to is to blame me for that. It’s easy to claim I must be the one who has become less friendly, especially when no one has known me my entire life.¹ Maybe it might be true for NTs that to have a friend, one must be a friend. To those who think that statement always applies, they should ask themselves how many times have they tried to be friendly to someone only to have their efforts fail. 

Before learning about Aspergers, for the most part, I was constantly trying to figure out ways to be a nicer person due to thinking that was the reason why it appeared I was cursed in my ability to make friends. What the discovery of Aspergers did for me was to reveal the fact that no matter how hard I try to learn how to please people so they will befriend me, no amount of effort on my part is ever good enough.

To be honest, I must say I did get to briefly experience having a friend on occasion. At least, to me, they seemed like a friend. Now in hindsight, I see that those friends often times where either like me in that they too struggled with making a friend or they were people who saw an opportunity to take advantage of my loneliness (as my faith grows, my loneliness decreases).

I know this probably does not make sense to most who may be reading this and may seem unbelievable, especially to unbelievers (I couldn’t resist adding in that pun). Whether or not one understands and/or believes me, that still doesn’t change what I’ve seen from my own experience.

I do have an explanation as to how this could happen to an aspie, but it will only help for those who can remember the times in America when no businesses were open on Sunday and most people went to church (the mid-20th century). It was when people would be ashamed to do such things as replace AD and BC with BCE and CE, along with many other things I’d rather not mention. What was socially correct has been now replaced with new standards of social behavior. Today’s modern social standards might seem more tolerant of all people, but that’s actually not true when it comes to the tolerance of aspieness.

I shall borrow the paraphrased words written by Kenneth Taylor from Matthew 6:31-33:

So don’t worry at all about having enough food and clothing. Why be like the heathen? For they take pride in all these things and are deeply concerned about them. But your heavenly Father already knows perfectly well that you need them, and he will give them to you if you give him first place in your life and live as he wants you to.   

Peer pressure back then meant it wasn’t cool to be seen as being a person of little faith. Today, that has flip-flopped for the most part thanks to the ‘mental health’ profession. More attention is given to psychology than to sinful behavior that stems from the heart. Another example of that is jealousy. People aren’t ashamed anymore to tell someone they’re jealous of him. I have heard it said that it makes most people feel good to hear someone make a remark of feeling jealous. People love to be envied. There is even a perfume named Envy Me!² Now if that’s not an example of society going down the toilet, I don’t know what is!

I received a stunned reaction when I said that I feel deeply hurt by people who claim to be jealous of me. There is something wrong when one has to explain why he doesn’t like being the object of jealousy and/or envy!

Now that the knowledge of Aspergers set me free from my bondage to some insane behaviors (along with what God already had been warning me about), I was told that people are jealous of my not worrying over what others think about me.³ That news sure was a surprise when I heard it! 

I could write much more on this topic, but if I need to in order for others to comprehend what I’m saying here, then most likely it will fall on deaf ears.

¹Those who knew me when I was younger, haven’t been in my life for a long time now. Those who know me now, haven’t been with me in my earlier years.

²Now that’s a perfume you can really call ‘toilet water’!

³I know it sounds inconsistent to be hypersensitive towards criticism while at the same time claiming to not care what other people think about you, but that would only be because of jumping to the wrong conclusion of motive. I have a difficult time with criticism NOT because of wanting to please everyone all the time anymore, especially since I’ve finally realized how impossible that is. My challenge with criticism comes from being overly concerned about being a good representative of Christ because of knowing how much people judge Christianity by what they observe from Christians rather than Christ. I may be a Christian, but I am not Christ. Only Christ was perfect.

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