I realize the statement “neurotypical people can be socially incorrect too” will probably anger a lot of people. I’m not saying it to provoke that response. It needs to be said because if it is left unsaid, NTs will remain ignorant that they too can behave socially incorrect, if and/or when they try to befriend an aspie. I shall share a recent experience of mine to explain how this is so.
In my neighborhood, live a variety of people. One woman in particular is showing more effort to befriend me than most others. I sincerely appreciate her long awaited attempts, but now that headway is finally being shown, it’s also revealing how impossible it might for us to truly be friends.
She means to be thoughtful, but she can’t realize how rude and insulting her actions actually are. ‘Normally’ neighbors befriend others by inviting them over for coffee, bake them a cake, or something similar. What my neighbors are unaware of is that I typically end up receiving something that they would never tolerate. In my experience, women are the ones who usually do this.
What exactly is this thing I’m talking about? It’s when others have you feeling like you are a project that needs to be ‘fixed’. The part that makes it so awful is knowing that if you don’t conform to their ‘weird’ advice, it will be taken as an insult. On top of that, it doesn’t take long to notice that if the relationship was to continue, it would continue as “do as I say, not as I do.”
Since this situation in my recent example doesn’t have much hope of progressing beyond where it is at, I’m hoping that writing about it can maybe help others learn something which they might otherwise remain ignorant of.
I know NTs might have a difficult time understanding and/or believing how advice like what I got is weird. I tend to think that NT parents who love their aspie child(ren?) are far more willing to think about this than other NTs.
All throughout my life, whenever I’m taking a walk and my thoughts gravitate towards a deeper level, I tend to focus downward just ahead of where my feet are stepping. One day (not too long ago), as I was walking my dog along a back road, my neighbor passed by in a car and saw me apparently while I was engrossed in some deep thought. I’m stunned to learn how much it bothered her to see me walking with my face towards the ground (but yet years back she thought it was interesting to watch me walking my dog while reading a book). In fact, my recent body ‘language’ bothered her so much that she insists I cease and desist from walking in that manner any longer. Her reasoning behind this demand is that she is watching out for my own good because of what other people will think about me. However, she personally excuses herself from this same concern because she has too much physical pain from bad health to care anymore what others think about her.
I tried to tell her that I believe what other people think of me is none of my business, but as hard as I tried to explain to her that both her and I share the same frustrations when it comes to other people misjudging us, she was not going to ‘make the connection’. Since I could see this dilemma between us, I surrendered my position by giving her the impression I would try my best to walk without looking at the ground. She said that’s not good enough and that I simply must ’stop doing it’. I told her I doubt I can always remember to refrain from this action. I added to that by saying if I knew that it was something which God did not approve of, then I could have faith in successfully breaking the habit. That last comment triggered more ‘advice’. I was then told not to mention God when I speak. Little does she realize how much selfishness is embedded inside her thoughtfulness. I guess that’s to be expected from those who do not know what it is like to be loved by God. If they did, then they [the listeners] would realize it isn’t unlike telling someone to not to bring up their [the speaker's] father in a conversation.
Why can’t people realize that what’s really socially correct is simply accepting others just the way they are, especially when what they do or say isn’t hurting anybody else?!
P.S. — If you don’t agree with me, that’s your choice. However, please realize bigoted comments will be rejected. I do not submit those kinds of comments on someone else’s blog and that’s why I don’t permit them on mine.
Beartwinsmom,
What you wrote reminds me of what I heard a ‘body language’ specialist point out not too long ago. She emphasized the importance of first learning what the “normal” postures are for a particular individual in different situations. Then, compare his different positions that he exhibits with his own standard of what’s normal for him. If it’s normal for people to never consider their concept of what “normal” is as possibly being “abnormal” to someone else, then I’d rather be “abnormal” than be perceived as being a “normal” person.
Amanda,
Somehow I can easily imagine such an experience as you describe.
One person’s “normal” is another person’s “abnormal”. I’ve been learning that a lot as I’ve been a mom of twins, especially with one of the twins having Asperger’s.
I find myself at times, though, censuring out my son’s differences as not to “offend” the “normal” population. It is hurtful that people will not just accept people as PEOPLE.
I remember my first time at college, there were two girls next door to me who seemed to think it was their duty to invite me over at least once — not exactly to “fix” me, but because of the “invite the shy person over” thing that was probably drilled into them elsewhere.
I spent a long and boring time sitting on their floor, with them talking, and I eventually talked a little bit and then didn’t say much else after that point. I couldn’t follow the conversation much at all. I was really bored. They were probably really bored with me, in retrospect. It was just not pleasant for any of us.
alyric,
Honestly, I’m not so sure I want to get better acquainted with this person. She said several other things I need to ‘fix’ about myself (the more I’d list, the more complex it would get to explain). This ‘lecture’ I received lasted for about 2 hours!
I’m not seeking to befriend ‘flawless’ people (especially knowing how far from perfection I am!). All I want is a friend who listens to what I say and ‘hears’ it; plus, desires to know how I function. I listen to people when they speak because I am curious to know not only what they think, but also why they think what they do.
Are you saying in your question, “Did you notice that looking at the ground is exactly on a par with the mention of ‘God’ out loud , in company?” that my looking at the ground while I walk my dog is a no no? Keep in mind the scenario here: It’s along a road without people around except for those who pass by in cars and I had no clue that my neighbor passed by me in a car.
I know ‘religion’ is a no no topic of conversation (unless it’s not Christian—then it’s okay according to today’s society). I would not qualify my use of saying ‘God’ out loud as being a topic of religious conversation in the context it was used. The only reason I mentioned it was so she could become better acquainted with me. I definitely was not ‘preaching’ to her. If I chose to refrain from saying what I did about my need to know God’s viewpoint on my looking at the ground while I walk alone with my dog, then that means she really does not want to get to know me better. It shows that she wants me to be someone who she fantasizes being rather than who I really am.
When I chat face-to-face with people, I am not like how I appear on my blog. On my blog, I do converse about my faith. In person, my faith doesn’t become a ‘conversation’ unless the other person wants to talk (not argue) about Christ too.
We work on facial expression a lot with my son. I guess the next thing on the goals list is body language. Common sense should remind me that nonverbal body language is so much harder to interpret than facial expressions, but I forget that sometimes. Thanks for the reminder.
@ Amanda- Oh dear.. the “invite the shy person over” is the most painful experience. I’m sorry you had to endure that.
Looks like you got a thorough grounding in ‘what it looks like is all that matters’, which is very true for the socially wired – not all of them I hasten to add. Alas women are much more prone to this than guys and that’s where I usually come a cropper, so I tended in the past to avoid even trying to relate to women – too weird, too different, not enough in it for me. I’m willing to give it another go these days but it’s still rocky even with carefully selected women, but I’m still trying.
Did you notice that looking at the ground is exactly on a par with the mention of ‘God’ out loud , in company? Seriously, are you sure you want to know this person? She’s quite right – religion is definitely a no no topic of conversation – unless it’s yoga or pilates or reiki – some remnant of eastern mystical belief (note the application of double standards). If she knows where her double standards are coming from, I’d be really surprised. The ones most prone to judging solely by appearances are the ones also least likely to question the origins of their prejudices.
Try to find someone a little less socially wired with some capacity to think for themselves – not easy I know.