Birds of a feather flock together, but what happens when a bird is too rare to be able to find the others with similar feathers?
At home last night, my husband was talking about an earlier chat he had with a female acquaintance who joined his visit while at his friend’s house. Later, that friend then came to visit him at our house (minus the female acquaintance). After listening to some things said (no, it wasn’t gossip), particularly the part referencing me, I got to thinking about this same curious incident which repeatedly occurs.
Yesterday was another one of those times when someone in my community made a reference to me (here specifically, being ’socially correct’ to ask my husband how I’m doing), in the usual distinct and subtle manner that reveals a dislike. It’s not quite so subtle though when the referencing is done with someone thought ’safe’ to tell, but then the beans end up getting embarrassingly spilled and the cook runs to hide rather than apologize and clean up the mess.
Everyone knows it’s wrong to say things which would hurt someone’s feelings if they heard it, but the problem with decoding what’s hurtful depends on each unique individual being talked about and how thoughts are communicated. That’s why I prefer writing over talking→ it gives me more time to think for expressing myself better. Plus, I doubt it needs to be said that aspies and neurotypicals encounter some huge struggles when it comes to socializing with each other face-to-face.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I must be mean and/or arrogant since I have the audacity to say it’s uncommon for me to ‘like’ someone as I get acquainted with him or her in person, I need to clarify my definition of like. It must also be pointed out that it’s equally rare for me to be liked.
Like is about as vague of a word as love is. People say things like, “I love pizza.” Does this mean they’re happy when the pizza is happy and feel sad when the pizza feels sad? No. It would be more accurate to say, “I like pizza.” However, people are not like pizza. We have feelings. We’re human. That’s why all persons need to love one another and why no one should be offended because of not being liked.
The reason it sounds harsh to tell someone, “I don’t like you,” is because we know it’s enjoyable to be liked. Whether “I don’t like you” is expressed audibly, written, through body language, or by ceasing to have contact, the end message remains the same.¹ The difference though with verbalizing and/or writing it is that it leaves the guess work out of the picture. As much as aspies struggle with non-verbal messages from NTs, NTs I see have just as difficult of a time deciphering the non-verbal messages aspies give.
Judging from how consistently difficult it is for NTs to get acquainted with me and the challenge that arises for both myself and NTs during face-to-face communication,² I have to resort to writing in order to lessen the amount of misunderstanding.
If and/or when I don’t like a person, it’s because he doesn’t have enough of the right flavor to taste appealing. It is NOT because he doesn’t like me. However, when others don’t like me, it’s primarily because they don’t like being seen. I can’t speak for all aspies, but I can say that the ones I’ve gotten acquainted with seem to have a knack for seeing double messages.³ I need to remember this suspicion of mine has been repeatedly confirmed by my loving family members telling me that’s what they observe.
Is it a mixed message to claim to love your neighbors but yet, at the same time, admit having a distaste for them? Not really. It’s not unlike the experience parents have when their kids are testing their patience. It’s a lot easier to like your children when watching them sleep than when having to deal with them while they’re behaving in an unpleasant manner. There are times you don’t like them. There is never a time you don’t love them.
¹Even though the end message is the same, there is never any excuse for communicating it in a hurtful way. NTs prefer being told by leaving hints. Aspies suffer from hints, because hints often times require a lot of work to sort out the details. Aspies can learn to copy some of the NT hinting methods. That makes NTs happy, but when an aspie does it to another aspie, it creates anger, is insulting, and selfish. Aspies, of all people, should know what they’re putting another aspie through when they’re acting neurotypical.
²I noticed that I’m more aware of the challenge than NTs are. NTs assume they’re understanding me, but in reality, their imagination is filling in the gaps.
³Colin Mackey points this out to Martha Horgan in the novel A Dangerous Woman by Mary McGarry Morris. Martha too could not understand why no one liked her. Mackey told her→ it’s not so much that people don’t like you, but rather dislike your ability to see them. Martha’s struggle was in choosing which message to believe→ the truth versus what she wanted to believe. Even though this is a novel (and a movie on VHS, except without this part the book contains), the character of Martha displays an excellent example of an aspie woman. Now that I’ve mentioned this, I pray people don’t jump to the conclusion that aspie women do what Martha did in the story which made her infamous. What Martha did, anyone is capable of without the grace of God.
