While the neurotypical world tries to put together pieces for creating a picture of the Asperger mind, I’ve been busy assembling my pieces to understand the neurotypical mind. Within that puzzle, is another dimension → those born with a new nature matching Christ’s versus those left to be ruled by human nature.
The revelation that hit me today seems beyond my being able to describe it. Maybe that’s actually the ideal condition to be in for writing about it? I can’t think of any emotion I’m not feeling. There is shock, grief, anger, joy, humor, and probably others which haven’t hit me yet (unless I’ve covered them all?).
For almost a year now, I wondered why people who know me in person do not want me knowing they read my blog. I see other blogs where writers don’t encounter this same experience. That blogger’s friends and family have no problem acknowledging that they view his blog. I’ve gotten to see that in my case, people would rather drop dead before talking about what I have online. After today, that mystery no longer exists, praise God!
This new insight, which will permanently change the way I am socially, began while re-reading the book, “A Dangerous Woman,” by Mary McGarry Morris.¹ On page 132 (the hardcover version), I came across the words, “People who revealed too much of themselves inevitably wanted something back. She smiled at the sudden image of a little boy with his underpants circling his ankles as he waited for her to pull hers down too.” (Maybe to fully understand these quoted words in context, you’ll have to read the book.) Almost immediately after I read that, I thought of my blog and wondered if and/or how many people think I want something from them because of how much I reveal of myself to others.
Here is what I learned by opening that can of worms (these are not my words; this is what was bravely told to me):
People who know me in person, already have a prejudice formed in their mind about me. Because of their pride (human nature), they want to find fault with me. They don’t like how much my life improves from my growing contentment over who I am becoming (they feel jealous). I’ve been known as being a very ‘needy’ person (they viewed me as being very lonely). People secretively want to devalue me so they can boost their own self-worth, but to my face they present a mask hoping for me to think otherwise. That explains the inconsistency between how they act in person versus in private, along with why my blog is a taboo subject to bring up. People who refuse to reveal their interest in reading my blog do so because they really don’t like me (that’s why it pains them to watch me enjoy anything). That also explains why they laugh at me when things happen which upset me.²
I used to reveal too much of myself because of an intense desire to create a friendship as quickly as possible. What I wanted is the same thing everyone wants→ acceptance, companionship, and some positive attention sometimes.
After I reached the point of knowing that the more I wanted a friend, the less likely it was going to happen, I knew I had to give it up. If a friendship was to ever develop in my life, it wasn’t going to be because of me being a friend. The usual outcome my acts of kindness got me was taken advantage of. I find that ironic. Human nature being as it is, makes it so that people who are in need (lonely) are not the ones who get (companionship). The less lonely a person is, the more likely others will develop a friendship with that person. The more popular someone appears, the more popular they become (what a stupid cycle fools pedal…geez!)
Pride is the only reason someone would stay away from a person who the community perceives as behaving in a humiliating fashion. I find that hypocritical!
Being an Aspie who has a new nature with affections that match God’s, will always motivate me to love all people (love is not the same thing as like). What makes the difference in the way I will now view the people wearing masks comes from finally understanding why God says what he does in Hebrews 11:36-40, especially verse 38, “(Of whom the world was not worthy) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.”
Whoever might think I want something because I blog as I do, is grossly mistaken. I could easily pull the plug on my blog and delete the whole thing right now without it bothering me. I’m sure it wouldn’t bother them either, but because society should be better educated about Aspergers, this blog is here for now. Something like the truth about Aspergers isn’t about what or who is popular. It’s about the possibility of making one person’s life better because one other person has learned the hard way.
¹The main character in the story, Martha Horgan, portrays an excellent example of a non-Christian Aspie woman. Here are some other parts from her book which ’slapped’ me in the face:
On page 54, “Her foot tapped, impatiently, as if she were in a hurry, on her way somewhere, as if SHE had more important things to do.”
On page 126, “‘Then will you tell John I didn’t steal his money; that I’d like my job back?’ ‘Well, I’ll certainly mention it,’ Birdy said, her voice like her smile, suddenly too bright. She had seen Birdy do this to others. She was being placated. Being humored.’”
On page 262, “‘So what’re you saying?’ She shrugged. ‘There’s something about me people hate.’ ‘What?’ He looked at her. ‘Your three legs? Your four arms? Your two heads?’ ‘I don’t know what.’ He squinted, as if appraising her through a lens. ‘I’ll tell you what it is. But it’s not hate. They’re afraid. They’re afraid of what they don’t understand. What they don’t know how to deal with. It’s a power you possess, and people fear it.’ His voice rose excitedly. ‘You don’t even understand it, because, when you look at people, you SEE them. Something in your eyes goes right through people, and it’s unnerving, and so they react negatively.’”
²Usually they manage to ‘cover up’ their glee when looking at me, but not always. There are times they don’t have a chance to get their mask on fast enough when they’re caught off guard.
