Sheila Schoonmaker's Maiden Blog

The most universal first impression I’m known for giving is timidity. Aspies are known to be generally more fearful and anxious than neurotypicals as it is, but what really curses this trait is how misleading it can be. I can understand how self-confident people do not look timid, but what most others don’t realize is that when someone looks timid it does not necessarily mean that he lacks confidence. Usually, an Aspie’s confidence is viewed as arrogance (probably because of having to overcompensate for appearing timid?).

There are two main things to consider with timidness.

Here is the first one:

Confidence means reliability and trust. Almost everyone thinks self-confidence is admirable, so when someone comes along who seems to lack this trait most others have, self-confident people will usually relax a bit too much and may start acting haughty towards someone humble. You can’t be humble and self-confident. To be self-confident requires faith in believing that self is noble, grand, and a being to be proud of. Being humble however cannot happen without an opposite faith — one that knows to beware of relying on self, especially since it’s so easy to deceive one’s own self when you want something to be a particular way.

Here is the second one:

I’ll explain by using flirting as an example. Neurotypicals can easily be flirtatious, if and/or when they want. It’s impossible for me to flirt. I have no clue how to do it. My inability to flirt is because I cannot be self-conscious. When I come across as being timid, it’s because I’m well aware that I lack the social skills necessary to join the neurotypical culture. When the situation is reversed, NTs become timid. They know they don’t have the social skills to join the Aspie culture, especially since they rely so much on hearing fluctuations in voice tones and animation in facial expressions. NTs can easily feel self-conscious when they can’t know what effect their words are having upon an Aspie. It would probably be like making an NT play poker at a table occupied only with robots under human skin.

NTs have less to be cautious about when the majority of people think and act like they do. Because I’m aware of the consequences that come along with being the way that I am in this world, I’m conditioned to respond to social situations with extraordinary apprehension.¹ I know what can go wrong socially that will have a negative affect on my life. Since most others can live their entire life without ever having this experience, there is no reason for them to feel this anxious and/or timid around people.

NTs need as much theory of mind for Aspies as Aspies need theory of mind for NTs. NTs have trouble to understand and respect that Aspies cannot and don’t even want to think like NTs do. Why else would Aspies be put under pressure to ‘perform’ for NTs in a way that pleases them (translation?→ behave neurotypical). With all the books, people, media, etc. making Aspergers sound like a mental illness, society is NOT improving things for Aspies. Improvement is only possible if a major change happens towards the way that Aspies are perceived. I have to ALWAYS pay attention to how people will interpret me. NTs also pay attention to what impression they’re giving of themselves towards others, BUT the difference for them is that the stakes are no where near as high because they already ‘fit’ since they can automatically play roles like being a flirt or look as if they like someone when in reality they don’t. NTs easily alter what impressions they make to accommodate their social needs and/or wants. Since this is unnatural for Aspies, they will appear uniformly to everyone regardless of who they’re with or what situation they’re in. With that being the case, how can Aspies stop getting judged inaccurately?

Even though I am aware of being misjudged, that does not mean I know how to perform in a way that would decrease incorrect assessments made of me. I never will be able to end impressing others as being very timid. It’s because people by nature make judgments and, because of pride, they are not going to want to admit how horrible their decoding skills are when it comes to interpreting my oral and non-verbal communication. Because how you say something is more important than what you say, and most people don’t know how to hear an Aspie correctly, it’s only natural for non-medicated intelligent Aspies to approach social settings the same way wild deer (which have wisdom) approach strange people.

I can’t act. If I don’t like someone, it shows. However, if I do like someone, that might not show. In order for me to come across friendly (even though I may sincerely like someone), I might have to be a good actress. The reason for that is because those who don’t know me, also do not know what my friendliness looks like. Unfortunately, as soon as a wrong judgment is made (that first impression), it’s almost impossible to change. A new impression (to erase the wrong one) has to be forced to happen. A perfect example of that is with my husband. When he first knew me, he thought he knew me and he had no idea how wrong he was about me. It took years of living with me (and me constantly explaining myself) before he could begin to realize how incorrect his original judgment of me was. If you think my example is normal of married couples, you need to know how backwards my marriage is. It’s as if my husband divorced me when we first met, and then after many years of being together, we end up married.

¹The way that society is cultured is to be blamed for this.