As my husband drove into the gas station in his diesel fueled predator truck yesterday, we observed a taxi parked in front of the diesel pump. Since the taxi driver was sitting in his car when we first saw it, we couldn’t figure out if he was leaving or just got there. As we waited to see what he was going to do, hubby double checked to see if the fuel line might reach his truck tank’s lid without our needing to move further ahead. It wouldn’t. Then we noticed the taxi driver was slowly getting out of his car and approaching his gas pump. His appearance was that of a fat and dirty looking gangster type, with an “I don’t give a crap about anyone other than myself” facial expression and body language.
Being that it was the time of day when everyone was getting off work, this gas station was quite busy. After the taxi driver was done pumping his tank, he dawdled on over into the store to pay for his gas. I didn’t expect him to be considerate on the length of time he’d spend inside, but what he did once he came out really irked me! Normally, I might not be bothered by such an arrogant slob… but since I was concerned about making it to a particular store up the road before it closed in ten minutes, I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore of his nonsense. My husband was annoyed too, but for him I believe it was because of he felt insulted.
On the way out of the store, the taxi driver meandered towards a woman parked by another pump and proceeded to casually chit-chat with her. That did it for me. I rolled down my window and proclaimed loudly enough (without yelling) for everyone to hear, “Excuse me. Your vehicle is blocking us from being able to get fuel. You need to move it out of our way.” I used the Cesar Millan technique of assertiveness→ maintaining direct eye contact to let him know I expected him to comply with my command. Of course it helps having a husband behind me that can convey a powerfully intimidating look.
It worked. The taxi driver immediately quit talking with the woman and walked back to his car (spitefully at the same sluggish pace, of course). A decent person would apologize, but it was obvious right from the start that this was not such a person. He didn’t say a word, but at least he got out of our way finally! I was thankful to be able to make it to the store on time too.
Probably most people don’t think looking someone in the eye (as I did in this case) is any big deal. For me it is, because I don’t have a lot of experience at it; especially ones which achieve my goal! Throughout most of my life, I’ve been a doormat. Even when I’d try to stand up for myself, I’d usually fail. In fact, (about thirty years ago) I even wasted my money taking a college course instructing students on how to be assertive. Back in my era of counselor hopping, I also wasted money on psychologists I foolishly trusted to help me gain assertiveness.
What finally made the difference? I confidently KNEW that the taxi driver’s behavior was wrong and that it was right for me to confront him (with the motivation to ‘correct’ the wrong, without being vengeful).
I’ve acquired a sufficient Theory of Mind for enabling me to better understand the way that neurotypical minds work.¹ Before having this advantage (it’s an advantage since most NTs lack enough Theory of Mind for comprehending Aspies), I lived doubting almost every thought I had in regard to my being innocent. That’s because I was convinced (at an early age) I was somehow to blame whenever something went wrong or I was bullied.
As I got a lot older, I began to suspect that I couldn’t be the only ‘bad’ person. After all, I didn’t go around murdering people or robbing banks. You’d think that such rationalizing would have helped to protect me from others who enjoyed making me feel guilty when I really wasn’t. Unless you’ve been programmed to think that way (which is highly doubtful it’s possible to do so thoroughly to a neurotypical), most likely you can’t comprehend what it’s like. The closest explanation I ever received from anyone who sincerely wanted to help me was, “You’re too nice.” Imagine how confusing it is to hear that after being told countless times (by your parents, whom you desperately don’t want to reject you), “If you’re nice, people will be nice to you.” I knew that if someone was nice to me, I was happy to be nice to them. Apply that theory of mind to your life and it’s a recipe for disaster!
I’m beginning to reap what I’ve been sowing for many years. All my effort invested towards teaching my daughter what I’ve learned about human behavior,² combined with all her efforts towards adding to this knowledge — along with our having the faith of Christ — has resulted in blessing us both with extraordinary advantages above and beyond the ability to explain. It becomes increasingly evident that my being an Aspie, her being a NT, us being close in our relationship, the relatives we have, and the situations we face, all contribute ideally towards our unique growth in what just might be the most practical education a person could make use of. How do I know this? It’s simple. We’re rapidly mastering our own lives by knowing what we can change, how we can change those things, knowing what we can’t change, and knowing how to be content with what we cannot change. We’re even able to make fun out of what others would balk at facing.
Having said what I have, this doesn’t mean disappointments don’t arrive anymore. Life is designed to have its ups and downs, but it should be lived with the attitude of, “Buckle your seat belts and grab a bag of popcorn; plus, trust the Ride Operator to know what He’s doing, believe what He tells you, and know that He hears you (provided of course you don’t act like you’re the one who knows best how to handle the controls)!”
One last note —
The taxi driver I mentioned here is an example of someone being led astray into becoming the worst type of character. Unsaved souls, being under the influence of an evil spirit, will want their company to feel miserable when they’re in misery. The more they’re deceived (i.e., can’t see themselves the way God see them), the more confused and lost they become. Their wisdom descendeth not from above, but [is] earthly, sensual, and devilish (James 3:15). However, there is more hope for a person to become saved who is openly bitter.
Someone who acts nice and sweet could quite possibly be in a worse spiritual condition, because greater is the probability for her (or him) to be deluded by her (or his) own good works (self-righteousness). This is why God will judge those who claim to be His children more harshly than someone who might resemble the Hitler type.
Tell a brutish man how cruel he is and he might just laugh (overtly or covertly). Try to correct a self-righteous do-gooder and you can be guaranteed laughter will not be the outcome. The most self-deceived people put forth the greatest effort to also fool others, because they depend upon what reflection they can see of themselves in others. If someone isn’t fooled by them, they’re terrified (hence, angry) by their own guilt (after all, no one is righteous—that’s why we need Christ). With every person they can successfully avoid offending (thereby, becoming popular), they also increase their success at avoiding their own condemning guilt.
¹I recently said that I’m still naïve, but no longer gullible. For those who wonder how someone can be both naïve and non-credulous, you need to pay attention to the difference in meaning between those terms:
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000. states, “[Being] naïve sometimes connotes a credulity that impedes effective functioning in a practical world: ‘this naive simple creature, with his straightforward and friendly eyes so eager to believe appearances’ (Arnold Bennett).” I’m glad the word sometimes was included in that statement. To be naïve is to be simple and guileless. To be credulous is to be ready to believe, especially on slight or uncertain evidence. If you believe people are born with a good nature and it’s their environment [nurturing] which turns one bad, then yes… you’ll probably be credulous if you’re naïve. If you know that human nature is totally depraved, and that the [human] heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, then it doesn’t matter how naïve you are — you know not to trust anyone (including yourself) and you also know only God is worthy to be trusted.
²I didn’t learn anything practical from majoring in psychology for college. Whatever useful knowledge I gained came from a combination of independent studies done by my own research, observations, and experiments — but even that is worthless without the gracious gift of God’s salvation and His good providence to provide me with a keenly perceptive neurotypical daughter (who willingly informs me of the things that go right over my head and vice versa).
