I was told nothing is more uncomfortable than not being able to read someones’ non-verbal message. That’s sad, especially when people are able to communicate with words. If only people would say what they mean and mean what they say, then there wouldn’t be such a need to depend upon non-verbal signals.
Aspies non-theatrically use words for conversation. That’s probably why we don’t bother so much with trying to interpret non-verbal cues. It’s also why NTs get so disturbed by not being able to read the facial expressions and body language of Aspies.
I recently got a reminder of how mind blind NTs can be. I bought a bottle of butter oil from my daughter over a week ago and forgot all about it. This butter oil was to be taken with cod liver oil (which I had not yet purchased). The other day, my daughter tried to hand me the money I gave her for the butter oil. We then both became confused. I asked her why she was buying back the butter oil. She said it was because she thought I didn’t want it and that she pushed me into buying it.
I had to explain to her that what she was reading non-verbally from me was only one side of the argument I was having in my mind. Unknown to her, I truly wanted the butter oil but the part of me that didn’t want it was what she was interpreting.
I get read incorrectly from other ways too. For example, if I’m too upset by something, I have to ‘turn off’ the visibility of that emotion or else I’ll be overwhelmed by it. I’m so good at it that I can look like I don’t care, but in reality, I do care very deeply.
On the flip side, situations in which people have come to expect a display of emotion usually don’t provoke one out of me. I didn’t know until just recently that this is what NTs expect. For example, if someone is hurt (especially a child) and you don’t make the same kind of fuss about it as others do, then you’re perceived as lacking empathy. Whenever I’ve been physically injured in public (for example, as a child in a school playground), I’d want the least amount of fuss as possible. I had no idea that NTs like that kind of behavior.
Maybe if I share the outcome of an episode I had a few years ago, when I couldn’t turn off my emotions, it might help explain this gap better. I was remembering (while talking about) an overwhelmingly upsetting experience that happened to a cat I raised from when it was five days old.¹ An NT relative of mine preconsciously thought her empathetic behavior would be welcomed by me. Little did she know how infuriating her actions were making me! Not only was I becoming unglued by grief, I was also being forced into trying my best to restrain my anger. All I wanted was to be left alone until I could settle down.
This NT relative was a house guest staying a few days. I went into another room of my house for privacy. She followed me there and proceeded to heal me with her most recent New Age conjury. I tried my best to give her the hint that she was being very disrespectful. It was like trying to stop a runaway freight train. My two choices were fight or flight. I chose flight. I bolted out of my house, hoping that by the time I came back my husband would explain to his relative what she was doing wrong. Meanwhile, it was around 1 a.m. and around 10-15 Fahrenheit degrees below zero outdoors.
To add insult to injury, a ‘concerned’ neighbor happened to be driving by while I was walking along the desolate road to ask if I was okay. I could tell from her voice that she was condescendingly lecturing me about being out in such cold so late at night, as if I was a child who needed her advice. I felt like telling her I had enough anger in me to heat up a house and, if she was worried what someone might do to me, it’s more like someone should fear what I might do to him.
After I got back home an hour later, I was relieved to have my husband inform me that our guest left to stay with another relative. She never did comprehend what was wrong with her behavior. Thankfully all the other relatives could understand my frustration. I was told that I need to be very blunt and say, “If you don’t stop what you’re doing right now, you’ll have to leave.” If NTs are supposed to have such great Theory of Mind, then why would that be necessary?
It’s a myth to believe neurotypicals are not mind blind. I have never met an NT who could come remotely close to comprehending me, even if s/he had several years to try.
¹Just as Kiriana Cowansage said about herself on page three in the article An Aspie in the City, “Anything schmaltzy makes me squeamish,” I’m the same way. Also like her, I have a fierce identification with animals and can honestly say, “If I saw a person lying on the street, my first response would be, I wonder what’s wrong with him— I should call 911. It’s not emotional, it’s practical. If I saw a dog lying on the street, I would be on my knees, in pain.” I don’t share Kiriana’s spatial orientation difficulty, even though I am clumsy. My clumsiness comes from being too focused on one thing to notice something else at the same moment.
