Ever since the Autism Walk & Expo of the Hudson Valley on April the 26th of this year, I’ve known that an opportunity has finally come for when I can speak to others about Aspergers.
My grown-up NT daughter and I were invited to share our stories about what it’s like to be a NT daughter raised by an Aspie mom and what it’s like for an Aspie mom to raise a NT daughter (plus, an Aspie son).
With her being the type of person who works well under pressure, I left her to pursue concentrating on what she was to say at the last minute. My way is to prepare as soon as I know I have something planned, but without my knowing beforehand what she feels is important to cover, I became stuck as far as preparations go.
Now the date has arrived. Tonight is the time. The place is a classroom of students going for a PhD in Special Education. The plan was that my NT daughter would do the talking up front and I’d ‘fill-in’ the gaps while seated among the students.
As we all know, plans can change at the last minute. My daughter will be unable to attend. That leaves me to wing it on my own without her.
‘Normal’ people prepare by gathering their thoughts, writing them, and practice what they plan to say over and over again. That’s fine for them, but I know that won’t work for me. For starters, without feedback, I continually change my mind about what to say (especially since I know listeners don’t want to spend the night listening to me go on and on).
I can remember when I was a student in college classrooms. I could do quite a bit of hefty talking once the instructor would hit upon an area that opened me up, but I had to do it from my seat and couldn’t look at anyone else while talking. To look at more than one person and realize there are many around who are listening, immediately distracts my train of thought. I pick up on all the different ‘vibes’ people give off and then start to feel torn in different directions.
I doubt many can comprehend what it’s like to grow up feeling like no one really cares about what you’ve got to say, but then a day suddenly comes when people might actually want to listen to your words. It’s confusing to say the least.
It doesn’t help either when being told people will be skeptical about why I want to speak, especially without charging any money. What’s so hard to understand about wanting to improve the lives of other Aspies who may have to follow the same path I’m on? Is it because I lack the what’s in it for me factor? Is it because some NTs project themselves into my place — secretively thinking that I’m a freak and they’d never go public for others to laugh at behind their back (if they were me)?
Maybe you can get the idea how much there is for me to wonder about as I come to the conclusion that God (again) has the answers for everything (as always). He says in Matthew 10:19,
But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is,
…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Whatever God is willing, if it’s my time to speak tonight, then He will give me the words. If it’s not, then mute is what I shall be.
