Will it be as Omori said in 1894, that the aftershock frequency decreases by roughly the reciprocal of time after the main shock?
I attended an unconventional convention last night and survived! Actually it consisted of about a dozen people, myself included. Maybe to NTs that might not be anything earth quaking, but to me, after how my core has been shook in the past, it’s stressful to say the least.
It was the first time in my life when I knew that there would be some who really wanted to hear what I might have to say. I can’t even describe how weird that is to me. I see now that I’ll never be rid of the feeling like I’m entering into a trap, even after walking out.¹ That’s the permanent consequence of what happens when you’ve been tricked by malicious people too many times. Of course they (those from my past) didn’t think ahead or care about the rippling effect that would last decades into the future and possibly offend others besides the Aspie used for making an entertaining fool. I can sincerely like some people who are probably genuinely benign, but I can never trust anyone… never.
While driving into the city where I was to talk with students and their professor about what it’s like being an adult Aspie, I foolishly ignored my intuition. There is nothing like getting a good dose of stress before a stressful event. My senses were being bombarded with increasing danger signals from all around my vehicle. I was heading straightforward into the guts of a city that’s infamous for its level of crime, at dusk on a rainy evening no less! The looks I received gave me the creeps! If I had not been going to a college campus, you can be sure I wouldn’t have been where I was without my Browning handgun fully loaded.
I arrived 45 minutes early. To others, that might seem a bit extreme. To me, it’s good to have that much time for readjusting myself to my new surroundings. I liked that I could settle down in a quiet, and fairly vacant, space indoors. I did appear lost inside, but how’s that to be avoided when you’re just curious to check out what’s where?
It’s funny how every college I’ve been in has the same smell. What’s even more weird is that High schools have their own odor, which is even different from Elementary schools.
My boat didn’t get rocked until I entered into the classroom. Immediately my brain was taxed by the hideously bright florescent lighting! If that wasn’t enough to stimulate my nervous system, the room’s silence that shortly followed the kind introduction was unnerving. It was good my daughter had prepared a last minute paper for students to read to help them possibly stir up some questions so the ball could roll in spite of her not being there to lead the conversation.
I only had time to read it once without distractions.
I told the professor that I thought the way she wrote about what it was like to have me as her mom sounded like a sales pitch. It was nice of her to say what she did, but it sure had me feeling awkward when reading it.
Others were impressed with her writing skills and story. I bet it wasn’t like anything else they’ve ever read before — certainly not like any textbook, that’s for sure! If it wasn’t for the instructor’s exceptionally calm demeanor,² my brain might have started freezing up instead of just being slush. Compared to how well others could talk when asking me their questions, I know I sounded like no one else they’ve ever heard speak before. I could see it in their faces.
I also noticed a huge difference in attitudes from the signals each person was emitting my way. I must have become more sensitive than ever to the vibes that people can give off. I knew beforehand not to expect everyone to be alike. It reminded me of when I attended conferences about Aspergers where there were teachers who talked down to me as if I was dog crap³ and looked at me as if they wished they could permanently rid the planet of those like me. It’s not even necessary for me to see facial expressions to get the sense of when someone perceives me with disgust because of her (or his) arrogant attitude. It can even display itself in the way that someone puts down a paper she reads or the way one sits in a chair.
It takes an incredible amount of concentration to ignore bad signals and focus on the good ones. No wonder NTs are better at multitasking skills like socializing among a crowd of people. They’re not as aware of each individual all at the same time and can switch tracks rapidly… like a flat stone bouncing as it skims the surface of water. If I allow myself to get too distracted by one individual, I sink like a boulder deep into the dark depths of oblivion.
So, how well did I manage to speak about what life is like as an adult Aspie? I have no clue. I was told I did well, but to me, no matter how well I do something, it will always feel grossly insufficient. I only hope and pray that I was helpful somehow and that constructive use will be made of whatever may have been insightful. I also hope that those who respect Aspies for who we are know that I (and others like me) appreciate you guys more than you could ever know!
¹Whenever I am wanted for whatever the reasons might be, I’m skeptical and will always wonder why.
²I’m not sure if he’d mind my mentioning his name.
³No, no one did that last night.
