I recently realized something very interesting about what once caused me so much sadness. Before knowing about Aspergers, I endlessly tried to find a way to fit in with the world somehow. I thought I couldn’t exist until someone would let me in to validate me. The way I craved to be let in was for someone to share the mysteries that everyone else but me seemed to know. I’d describe it as being like the solitary child who others won’t let join their club house.
For a very brief time after learning that the ‘gap’ was due to a neurological difference¹ between me and the majority of others, I felt sad over knowing that it was time for me to let go of the hope I’d been clinging to throughout my life. Once I accepted this loss, I was stunned to discover a joy I’d never have thought possible for me to experience. That joy came from knowing that there never really was anything ‘wrong’ with me after all! It was merely an illusion I allowed others to place upon me. No wonder I had been a target for bullies! Now that I understand that there are people who put others down in order to build themselves up, I still to this day ask myself, “Sheila… what were you thinking?!?!”
Now that the mysteries are gone, I’m able to have freedom unlike what most NTs can experience. Now that I know I’ll never be able to prove what most NTs think of me, it doesn’t matter! I’ll either be liked or I won’t. That leaves me with only one way to live and that means simply being true to myself.
Taking care of myself socially was something I didn’t know how to do before. Because I think differently, I’m an unusual character. It’s not sensible for an unusual character to attempt socializing in the same manner as people ordinarily do and it’s illogical to allow typical people to tell those like me how we should function. We’re a different breed; a bit eccentric, but not freaks.
Because Aspies think differently, it would be foolish of us to not be suspicious of others. Being cautious is wise; not paranoid. Would you refer to wild deer apprehensively crossing a mowed lawn as behaving weird or would it be weird if wild deer were not leery around people?
Until society becomes neurodiverse, it’s best if NTs don’t expect more than an occasional visit from Aspies. For us to be forced to live in a social environment we did not create is brutish and not very civilized.
It’s no wonder I used to be so unhappy. To me, meeting ‘Aspergers’ is like having the best friend I never had. Now I can finally enjoy who I am and I can do it without needing to impress someone! I find it quite amusing that it’s my daughter who finally taught me what my mother should have. It’s also amazing how much better she now relates to me after I explained to her about Aspergers almost two and a half years ago!
It’s okay for those who really would like to help innocent Aspie children to tell them about the ways NTs socialize. However, don’t stop there. Explain to them what is going on in the minds of NTs and fully explain why… but don’t expect Aspie children to understand any irrational behavior.
Then after you’ve done that, what’s even more important (and maybe more difficult) is listen to what these children would like you to know about that’s going on in their minds and why they have the thoughts they do. Don’t expect to fully understand them though, because there is a good chance their explanation might be too foreign to grasp. It all depends, especially since every Aspie is quite unlike another Aspie.
If there is one tip to not forget, it’s this:
Don’t expect the same methods which work for raising NT children to be successful for Aspies.
What might ‘spoil’ a NT child most likely will not do that to an Aspie. That could be much, if not most, of what contributes to the misjudging of Aspies.
‘Intense’ minds with hyper-sensitivities require being ‘catered’ to; just like delicate tropical fish as compared to hardy goldfish.
¹All that this neurological difference boils down to is a different way of thinking. Information is processed differently. That’s it; nothing more, nothing less.
P.S. — The blue text is what Martha Schmidtmann Dunne included on pages 168 and 170 of her book ”Wait, What Do You Mean?”: Asperger’s Tell and Show.
