My urge for giving a deeper explanation stems from what I said in my It’s an odd form of self-protection… post a couple of weeks ago,
Today, I experienced the end to having a friend available to communicate with (as Forrest Gump would say, “again”). I didn’t know when it was going to happen, but since I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I also knew that if I didn’t long ago make God big in my life and people small, I’d probably be experiencing depression right now. No relationship can last when a high level of insecurity exists. Peer pressure, codependency, fear of rejection (i.e., insecurity) are the result when people are big and God is small.
In order for communications to be ongoing in a friendship, both parties must be alike in regard to their need for contact. If one can only thrive on a routine, while the other is stifled under such prolonged conditions, stress is bound to be the outcome for the one who no longer has his or her needs met.
The routinist can comfortably keep producing things to express, but that’s not the case for the non-routinist. Why is that? Most likely it’s because of differing priorities behind their urges to communicate.
Since a routinist thrives on unvarying contact, he will say anything in order to keep a scheduled pattern going. The non-routinist can always think of something to say too, but unless it is evident that her (or his) thoughts are of equal interest to the recipient, steady communication probably will not continue. In order for it to do so under such circumstances, the relationship needs to be codependent (i.e., contain unhealthy emotional dependencies).
If you wonder how an Aspie (such as myself) can be a non-routinist, especially since routines are a characteristic of Aspergers, you might not understand how much it changes things when an Aspie’s life has become one with God. Once someone becomes saved, s/he progressively minds the things of the Spirit and decreasingly minds the things of the flesh [Romans 8:5]. Generally speaking, without God, Aspies (and NTs) have the potential to be drawn to any other equally fallible human who will serve the role of therapist, psychologist, ‘wise’ man, or savior¹.
Here’s what I recently shared with another Aspie:
I now have a deeper understanding of what’s meant by ‘counsel’ in the first part of Psalm 1:1, “Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the ungodly [i.e., psychologists, therapists, etc.]…” because of paying more attention to what kind of counseling Godly people gave. The bible doesn’t have examples of the kind therapists/psychologists are paid to get involved in, because otherwise it would conflict with what God says in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
Solutions for personal problems don’t come from talking about them with someone (other than God) who isn’t part of the problem. They come when an individual becomes saved, because that’s when God’s spirit can work within that person. Only after receiving a new born-again nature that frees someone’s will to DO the right things (with the right motive), can one possibly comprehend what God means in His word. Before that happens, His word will test our character to reveal whether or not we sincerely want to know the truth because understanding the bible is not for unsaved man to be able to do.²
Because of lacking objectivity, being ignorant, and also being the majority of the population, most neurotypicals erroneously conclude it is the Aspies who are the ones that lack empathy, have little ability to form friendships, and engage in one-sided conversations. All those statements are wrongly restricted to Asperger traits, because they all can equally be characteristics most neurotypicals exhibit towards Aspies.
For example, I recently noticed some interesting things while engaging in a lengthy conversation with an unsaved neurotypical neighbor. I know I was consistently expressing empathy towards her feelings and showing interest in her conversation, BUT it became increasingly evident that this was not what I was equally receiving in return. Neutral observers have confirmed this to me.
Now that I’ve had enough conversations with this particular NT to realize she has no desire to ever practice what’s said in Philippians 4:8, because she prefers to wallow in her self-pity, I also know that she will not comprehend why it’s best (for the both of us) I keep my distance from her. The reason I know this so well is because I recognized my old nature (before salvation) in her pattern of conversation. I’m not saying I’m better than her and now am perfect. I’m saying I feel sad that I can’t do anything to give her the same joy and peace I now have.
I feel grieved every time I encounter a person who does not sincerely desire to hear what good things God says in His word and what’s possible with Him. What is uplifting though is knowing that as long as this world continues, there still are others in it who long for the truth that will set them free and will not quit searching until they find it. For those of you who might be one of them, I pray that you find my blog to be an encouragement to keep going on the right path. Godly men and women have given me that same hope by sharing their life experiences.
We will either profit from our afflictions or be cursed by them. Sadly, sometimes loving another person means having to let them go… even if it is down the wrong path.
¹Only Jesus Christ is able to save us from our slavery to the corrupted nature we’re all conceived in.
²Understanding the bible comes AFTER salvation. We don’t have to wait until we understand what God is saying before He can save us. We have to trust Him and be where He speaks best to us (by repeated exposure to Him in the Holy Bible). When it comes to salvation, that means pleading with Him for it and then waiting. God does not wait for us. We wait for Him.
