Most adults probably establish personal boundaries automatically and therefore take that skill for granted. Only those who don’t do so, know how much of a challenge it is to discern the often times subtle difference between creating and maintaining boundaries versus explaining and defending yourself. Without experience, there will be many mistakes in how, when, and where boundary building is done.
I can only guess that most neurotypicals have no problem with immediately discerning and applying the ideal incremental value of sternness necessary to get respect from the person they’re relating with. I’m sure how one is raised has a lot to do with how good s/he is at getting respected by others.
Being that I have the typical ‘all or nothing’ Aspie mind, I tend to bring out a bag of bricks by the time I notice that others are not seeing my boundaries. The trespassers are then shocked by the hard force I hit them with, because they didn’t heed the multiple gentle breezes warning them to keep off my tender territory.
The only motive I have to improve my social skills is survival. I’ve stopped expecting friendships. Generally speaking, (from what I experience) most people do not care enough to understand how not to take as much offense as they do. I (almost always) fail to get people to respect me.
When I give hints, the hints are ignored. When I am straightforward, then I am avoided. At least my boundaries are not crossed anymore. Plus, I don’t have to put up with feeling like my words have no meaning. I know I’m somebody when I make such an impact that people work to avoid me.
That sure doesn’t typically happen in the case when an Aspie adult is practicing how to gain respect from socially seasoned individuals. Instead, what happens is the opposite, especially when an inexperienced Aspie establishes boundaries.
More often than not, when people violate our boundaries it’s because we have let them and when we try to establish them after the fact, these people may themselves take offense, which in turn can result in a negative response.
Last Monday’s post Explanations destroy respect? maybe should have been written as a book instead. It’s very, very difficult for me to put my thoughts into brief words knowing how differently they will be interpreted because of the infinite variety of people there are on the internet. I could write books, but they’d never be ready for publication. I’d never finish editing them thanks to continuously having new thoughts from new information. Add to that, its chapters would be as disorganized as my posts.
Why do people assume someone enjoys writing if they’re not getting paid to do it? I don’t get paid money to blog and I usually don’t enjoy it either. I don’t need to explain. My statement is either accepted or its not, just like mostly everything else I say. I also don’t enjoy being so blunt and/or harsh as much as I am. I’m tempted to say why I’m not as gentle as I once was, but I won’t.
