Aspergers people are not the only ones who get manipulated and bullied. However, they are the ones it happens to the most. Why do you think that is?
The power of any mind game lies in the other person not being aware of how and when they’re being played.
Below is an excerpt from a paper written on June 11, 2009 by a neurotypical relative of mine. Little did she know how much this bit of information was the pot of gold at the end of my ‘lifetime of tears’ rainbow.
Whether we admit it or not, the Neurotypical human nature is guilty of manipulation because we are driven by selfish ulterior motives. It’s a social battlefield where manipulation is just another grenade in our hands. I’m not saying Aspies are incapable of manipulation but the driving force is usually not there. What I got from [Sheila] was truth.
Ironically, [Sheila's] lack of manipulation caused me to be a pro at manipulating her. [Sheila] was an easy, wide open target due to her naïve Aspie nature. I played her like a fiddle and took all the [dominance] I could get.
Beside there being a neurological difference in people, there are character differences. Society, in general, is becoming less neurotic and more character disordered. Genuine Christians can be neurotic, but they can’t be character disordered. Non-Christians can be either one.
Not everyone who is character disordered necessarily gets worse over time. Most do. Some remain the same. Some even become less character disordered as they age. My neurotypical husband is one of the later. When he married me, he married a classic neurotic Aspie. Romance and courtship was not part of the equation for my experience with him. Instead, it was non-stop tribulation.
In hindsight, I now see I married my husband because of my vulnerabilities. His powerful demeanor attracted me. I had never allowed anyone to abuse me the way he did. The turning point came (after 9 years of marriage) when I was corned and he wanted to kill me. I sincerely told him he would be doing me a favor. That action caused his true self to come to light. He made a threat and didn’t follow through on it. It exposed him for who he really was. He never wanted me to know him. He still doesn’t. But, being that we’ve been married now for 24 years, he doesn’t need to say any words for me to know him. I know him by his actions. Now his actions subtly reveal appreciation for my loyalty, meekness, forgiveness, honesty, and love. Proof of his character disorder fading away comes from the fact he now has shame for how he has been. He needed (as we all do) humility and love. I don’t know if it is my commitment to marriage till death do us part or God’s love which softened his heart. What little warm affection I had towards my husband rapidly diminished. He wasn’t a loveable guy. I know I’m not a lovable person in God’s eyes. I know no one is. If we were, we wouldn’t need Christ’s sacrifice of love for us. As Martin Luther, the Protestant Reformer, wisely said, “It is not imitation which makes us sons of God, rather the divine image within which enables us to imitate.”
All of life is a test of our character. I think of myself as being a retired fiddle. I didn’t want to be a fiddle in the hands of manipulators. I was that way because I am childlike. I’ve been, and always will be, harmless as a dove, as Jesus tells us to be in Matthew 10:16. It is because he also says in that verse we are to be wise as serpents, I know that I can be as wise as one. Sheep will be neurotic among wolves. The people who prey upon innocent others are character disordered.
Romans 8:28 says, “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” The experience I’ve gained from being at the receiving end of mind games throughout most of my life has been only one aspect needed for learning how Aspergers people stop being manipulated and bullied. That alone is not enough. Insightful reading material is great. But that too isn’t enough. Without faith in God’s word, I don’t know how I’d gain victory over this horrible way of having to life in this life.
I will always be a Christian and an Aspie. I will never be able to think like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is not in my nature or my neurological construct. This does not mean I’m defective. When God created mankind, He knew what He was doing. We all are given what we need; no more, no less. I don’t need to disorder my character to be aware of how and when someone is trying to play me like a fiddle. There is a gift called, “spiritual discernment.” It is aroused instantly every time someone is trying to play a mind game. It is what enables me to be wise as serpents without being one myself.
As I’ve become wiser, I have gained the respect of my husband. He taught me how to stop being spineless. He will be the first to admit I have to speak and/or behave in a “turn over tables” manner in order for some people to hear me. Even though they may get my message, it’s not going to make them feel shame. For a shameless person to change, it takes a miracle. With God all things are possible, but only if it is His will.
In the classic book Holiness, J.C. Ryle said,
Let us feel convinced, whatever others may say, that holiness is happiness and that the man who gets through life most comfortably is the sanctified man. No doubt there are some true Christians who from ill health, or family trials, or other secret causes, enjoy little sensible comfort and go mourning all their days on the way to heaven. But these are exceptional cases.
The Bible says, “There is no peace unto the wicked.” Most of the time, wicked people act nice. They pretend to care. My inability to comprehend this has been the greatest factor for me to overcome on my journey to freedom from the mind games played on me.
Of course it’s ideal to simply have as little to do with people who display themselves as being character disordered. However, even if you can’t always be physically apart from them, it is possible to change how you are when you have to have them around. But you can’t do that unless you become an expert at detecting when and how they are bullying you. It is especially important to do when the disrespectful behavior is subtle!
Con artists (i.e., manipulators) have no lack of empathy. They know how to craftily play empathy to their advantage. Their confidence in this skill is what may give them the power to dominate and control. However, they can only have as much of this as you allow them to have. The more you can see through their act, the more power you have to resist participating in their ploy to take advantage of you in order to boost their self-esteem.
Develop your own set of tools for seeing through their act. Customize statements to throw out into a conversation which will help you to see what kind of reactions they provoke. If someone has something against you personally, she is going to say things to you she would never say to her friend. Also, pay attention to how things are said and what isn’t said.
Character disordered people do not treat you the same way they would want you to treat them. Most of all, they will do anything they can to prevent you from gaining status with them and others. The last thing they want to see is you improving (i.e., becoming stronger, wiser, healthier, etc.). Even if things in your life are not going well, that doesn’t mean you need to be miserable.
Habakkuk 3:17-19,
Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.
