November 30, 2008
November 23, 2008
Explaining Self
I’m writing this post on autopilot due to exhaustion. Why do I not wait until I’m less tired and write then? The answer is simple. I don’t know when that will be and most likely I’ll forget what I want to say by the time it does happen.
I’m realizing how much work it is to be constantly explaining myself to people. I even have to explain myself to my fellow Aspies in my support group. That’s because I’m a lot older than most others there¹ and because I’m the only practicing Christian in the group that I’m aware of. Admittedly, in that environment, I do a heck of a lot less explaining than when dealing with the rest of the world.
Why must some people who think different feel like they have to explain themselves (seemingly all the time)? Why can’t such a person just live life like everyone else? I don’t think I need to explain that to other Aspies and/or parents of children on the autism spectrum.
Well, you can imagine then the surprise I got when reading today’s message from Oswald Chamber’s classic My Utmost for His Highest devotional.² All of what’s said is so true; especially→ “Beware of ‘the cares of this world,’ because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul.”
I never before realized that my constant habit of explaining myself goes against God’s will. It’s been referred to as being the lust of vindication. The effect it has is to destroy faith in God. No wonder then I feel so drained! I’ve been locked into that same temper of mind which says, “I must explain myself; I must get people to understand.” I never noticed that our Lord never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves.
¹I’m the oldest regular member. It’s a different world now (too fast paced and chaotic) than it once was and young people have not lived long enough to know how things used to be. Plus, God’s wisdom can be confusing to those who are not saved from enjoying the lusts self has. God sure loves to destroy the pleasures of lust and replace them with something much better in His children.
²Keep in mind, if you’re following the link, the devotional will be for the current day. So, if you want to read the whole message for November 23rd, you need to go the navigator and choose that date.
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October 6, 2008
Instant and Long Lasting!
I don’t know if NT (neurotypical) moms pay more attention to their NAT (neuro-a-typical) child’s physical environment than they do to what might be going on inside that child’s mind. Mind reading isn’t possible, but possibly these moms realize already that hyper and hypo sensitivity exists just as well from what thoughts are occurring as it does from what senses are being aroused by a child’s surroundings?
It’s always very important for me to understand as much as I possibly can. Logic is my hero! I can’t imagine life without it. I am exactly as The Logic Boy is described!
Sometimes though, logic isn’t enough. That’s where faith comes in.¹ Truth is the best medication for a troubled soul! I got a good reminder of that late last night.
Most people know you shouldn’t drink coffee, soda, eat chocolate, or have anything containing caffeine, close to bedtime. However, never underestimate what a disturbing thought can do before bedtime, especially if you’re an Aspie!
Darcy couldn’t have known that God would use perfect timing to lead me to her blog shortly after midnight. I used to say the same thing she did, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” God bless Darcy for naming her blog What We Need to pass along what a woman once said to her. It was, “No, God gives us what we need.”
After reading that powerful statement, I remembered I read that page of hers before and forgot that God gives His children exactly what they need. When you trust God implicitly, that’s all you need to know sometimes!
Anyhow, that thought, God gives us what we need, instantly put my mind and body to rest. I slept peacefully and can now enjoy today because I feel rested! 
¹I choose to be misleading by saying faith can lack logic, because few people would believe that I can actually see the logic behind everything God gives and does. I’m not saying this was always the case though. This (super?)-natural ability is something only God can give to a person. There is no way I can teach it to others. Either God gives you it or He doesn’t. I can’t know why He chose to give me His gift of faith which happens to include logic. The only logical explanation I can come up with is actually quite simple→ That is what I need.
King Solomon prayed for wisdom. He got that and financial wealth; we got the book of Proverbs. I prayed for the gift of wisdom too (since being gullible is an Aspie characteristic, Godly wisdom is a must have). I received what I asked for (but I don’t always remember to use it!). However, instead of receiving financial wealth as a surprise bonus (which in my cause would probably destroy my life and make me miserable), I got a wealth of logic. Logic and wisdom are my best friends!
October 3, 2008
Predicting Human Behavior
I am not telling about my talent for predicting human behavior to gain kudos. I decided to post about it because I believe I would not have been given this ability if I was not an aspie living in a neurotypical world. That combination necessitated this practice. God deserves the credit. It’s an example of how He is able to care for those who depend on Him for all their needs if they live for His kingdom and glory.
Yesterday and today I received fresh reminders of this uncanny ability. I watched a stranger coming out of his car as he parked in my driveway. I opened the window and he asked me if my husband was home. Instantly I knew what the man was up to. I can’t explain why I knew. I just knew. At least this time, I opened my mouth and told my husband what I thought the man wanted before he even got to our door (No, he wasn’t a Jehovah Witness! They’re a no brainer to spot. Nor was it about work). Also yesterday, a reporter called hoping to get my husband to discuss what should be a private matter. I knew what that guy was going to write even though my husband kept quiet and sure enough he did. This morning, the television confirmed what I told my husband long ago when I heard about the movie An American Carol being released. I told him back then to expect the opposing political side to release their counter-strike about one week before November.
Not too many days ago, I saw the mailman approaching me. Instantly, I knew what he wanted. Again, there was no explanation for how I could possibly know. I never before realized how often I do this, because it is so automatic and I used to habitually ignore it.¹ I can’t control the ability to know what people are up to. It’s something that happens to me. It’s not something I can make happen whenever I want.
Anyhow, this odd gift explains why my husband and daughter take what I say seriously. I’ve earned their respect. This skill does however ruin the joy of watching most things on television and in the movies, because so much of what gets said is too predictable for me to be entertained most of the time.
Being able to know what people are up to also is the cause of so much of my indecision. It is like receiving multiple signals at the same time, because most things involve more than one person. It is my theory that most of the ability to predict human behavior depends on pattern-recognition skills which occur intuitively.
The ability to predict human behavior was portrayed in Elizabeth Moon’s novel The Speed of Dark. The main character, Lou Arrendale, revealed his remarkable pattern-recognition skills in his fencing matches. Also in the story, he is a bioinformatics specialist who has a gift for pattern analysis and an ability to function well in both “normal” and “autistic” worlds.
Another example of exceptional pattern-recognition skills is seen in John Forbes Nash, Jr. I’m surprised he is not mentioned as much as other creative minds with Aspergers.
[Edit done 5 hours after posting this.] When I first published this, my gut feeling was to not allow comments, but I did it anyhow because I know some nice people who get frustrated when I disable them. That gut feeling ended up becoming confirmed (just like it usually does, and like usual, I ignored it). I also don’t feel comfortable when I say something positive about myself, especially when I’m supporting an Asperger-related trait. It’s funny that this particular trait happened to be about predicting human behavior. I KNEW the first comment I’d get would be from a disturbed ungodly person, but what I did not know was how much hatred there is that exists towards Aspies! I’ve been learning about this, but now I’m not sure I feel like continuing with that education.
¹That was when I was a glutton for punishment. [Another Edit] Was a glutton for punishment?… I think I still am. 
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September 11, 2008
I Was There!
I was there, so I should know.
I consistently observe the same reaction whenever I tell others that people (generally speaking) were friendlier towards me the further back I go in my life. I would add to that, I notice friendliness decreasing as time goes on. I suspect that this might not as much be the case for neurotypicals. Younger aspies I doubt have lived long enough to know what I’m talking about.
I guess the first conclusion most people might jump to is to blame me for that. It’s easy to claim I must be the one who has become less friendly, especially when no one has known me my entire life.¹ Maybe it might be true for NTs that to have a friend, one must be a friend. To those who think that statement always applies, they should ask themselves how many times have they tried to be friendly to someone only to have their efforts fail.
Before learning about Aspergers, for the most part, I was constantly trying to figure out ways to be a nicer person due to thinking that was the reason why it appeared I was cursed in my ability to make friends. What the discovery of Aspergers did for me was to reveal the fact that no matter how hard I try to learn how to please people so they will befriend me, no amount of effort on my part is ever good enough.
To be honest, I must say I did get to briefly experience having a friend on occasion. At least, to me, they seemed like a friend. Now in hindsight, I see that those friends often times where either like me in that they too struggled with making a friend or they were people who saw an opportunity to take advantage of my loneliness (as my faith grows, my loneliness decreases).
I know this probably does not make sense to most who may be reading this and may seem unbelievable, especially to unbelievers (I couldn’t resist adding in that pun). Whether or not one understands and/or believes me, that still doesn’t change what I’ve seen from my own experience.
I do have an explanation as to how this could happen to an aspie, but it will only help for those who can remember the times in America when no businesses were open on Sunday and most people went to church (the mid-20th century). It was when people would be ashamed to do such things as replace AD and BC with BCE and CE, along with many other things I’d rather not mention. What was socially correct has been now replaced with new standards of social behavior. Today’s modern social standards might seem more tolerant of all people, but that’s actually not true when it comes to the tolerance of aspieness.
I shall borrow the paraphrased words written by Kenneth Taylor from Matthew 6:31-33:
So don’t worry at all about having enough food and clothing. Why be like the heathen? For they take pride in all these things and are deeply concerned about them. But your heavenly Father already knows perfectly well that you need them, and he will give them to you if you give him first place in your life and live as he wants you to.
Peer pressure back then meant it wasn’t cool to be seen as being a person of little faith. Today, that has flip-flopped for the most part thanks to the ‘mental health’ profession. More attention is given to psychology than to sinful behavior that stems from the heart. Another example of that is jealousy. People aren’t ashamed anymore to tell someone they’re jealous of him. I have heard it said that it makes most people feel good to hear someone make a remark of feeling jealous. People love to be envied. There is even a perfume named Envy Me!² Now if that’s not an example of society going down the toilet, I don’t know what is!
I received a stunned reaction when I said that I feel deeply hurt by people who claim to be jealous of me. There is something wrong when one has to explain why he doesn’t like being the object of jealousy and/or envy!
Now that the knowledge of Aspergers set me free from my bondage to some insane behaviors (along with what God already had been warning me about), I was told that people are jealous of my not worrying over what others think about me.³ That news sure was a surprise when I heard it!
I could write much more on this topic, but if I need to in order for others to comprehend what I’m saying here, then most likely it will fall on deaf ears.
¹Those who knew me when I was younger, haven’t been in my life for a long time now. Those who know me now, haven’t been with me in my earlier years.
²Now that’s a perfume you can really call ‘toilet water’!
³I know it sounds inconsistent to be hypersensitive towards criticism while at the same time claiming to not care what other people think about you, but that would only be because of jumping to the wrong conclusion of motive. I have a difficult time with criticism NOT because of wanting to please everyone all the time anymore, especially since I’ve finally realized how impossible that is. My challenge with criticism comes from being overly concerned about being a good representative of Christ because of knowing how much people judge Christianity by what they observe from Christians rather than Christ. I may be a Christian, but I am not Christ. Only Christ was perfect.
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September 10, 2008
What Is Not Activisim
What dilemma does an asperger christian face when wanting to abide by Christ-likeness but yet also wants to be an advocate for asperger’s syndrome? It’s understandable how easy it is for pro-diversity and intolerance to get confused and mislabeled.
Too many people wrongly think that a Christian pro-aspie who stands strongly behind his convictions of faith and convictions of intolerance towards those who are intolerant of neurodiversity must be a hypocrite. This belief is a mistake. My guess as to why this conclusion gets jumped to so often is because the people who do that might not have ever gotten to know what is truly Christ-like behavior.
Society is becoming accustomed to seeing a type of Christianity that isn’t representative of what pleases God. I recently warned an aspie friend (or acquaintance?—I’m not sure where that boundary exists) to not judge Christianity by paying attention to ‘Christians’. If someone wants to judge what Christianity is, they must go to the source→ Christ, as portrayed in His Father’s word (the Bible).
There are two excellent articles published by Rick Miesel called “Christian” Activism? and Is Controversy Christian? that I’ve recently re-read and I am thankful for being reminded of those words of wisdom. I highly recommend these articles to both Christians and non-Christians. Non-Christians might be surprised to find that these are articles they may actually enjoy, especially since this would equip them to spot unChrist-like behavior. The only reason I could think why non-Christians would avoid reading them would be because they really want to hang onto their excuses while they are attacking Christianity.
The main point behind the first article mentioned is→ ”Christian activism” is wrong and it’s NOT the same thing as a Christian living out his personal life in obedience to God. Even though a believer should NOT be trying to “change the world for Christ” but rather should be “converting individuals” (yes, there is a difference and admittedly it isn’t easy to discern),¹ it is good for anyone—regardless of where they place their faith—to try to change things in this world that are harmful to the well-being of all humans. There are examples detailing these distinctions in the article, so I won’t bring them up here.
The main point behind the second article is→ Tolerance and compromise are NOT the same thing. Tolerance is to grant to another the same rights which I claim for myself. Compromise is to sacrifice heart-felt conviction in order that someone else may be pleased or in order to avoid a breach of peace. Many earnest Christians are opposed to religious controversy, so they tend to avoid which would bring into focus matters likely to cause controversy. This is NOT what is meant by a spirit of tolerance.
¹Converting individuals by preaching the Gospel is NOT activism, because it is not directed to society as a whole but rather toward individuals who desire to hear more about what the Gospel message is (by the way, there exists a false Gospel that is predominantly preached today). Readers who might think that my blog is being directed to society as a whole might be wise to ask themselves if they alone comprise society. If they mistakenly think so, then the only reason that can be is because of pride. Personally, I am aware of being a mere individual whenever I’m reading someone else’s blog.
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September 9, 2008
Weird Depression
Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve been depressed, I can still remember this strange experience I had. It’s not the depression that was strange, but rather the ‘cure’. If I procrastinate any longer though to write about it, I might forget to.
There is nothing unusual about feeling down over knowing you can’t have what you’d like. That’s bad enough for most people, but on top of that, I felt worse over being in this condition because it was seeming like a private pity-party to me. I thought what I was going through was only because of not accepting something I could not change, at least without violating God’s will anyhow.
It’s true, I was not totally accepting my lot in life at that time, but that wasn’t the cause of my depressed state. It was the symptom. It wasn’t until I read something I never thought of before, that I learned the true cause of my sad condition. Just as soon as that new consideration arrived, the depression lifted away. That had to be the evidence uncovering what was actually going on, since that remedied the depression.
It was when I was studying and meditating upon how a person can know if he is saved, that I stumbled upon surprising information. I had been away from my regular routine of daily bible study for an unusual length of time and was beginning to get back into it. Before this unexpected revelation, I was slipping into doubt about my own salvation. I knew that God’s children thrive on pleasing Him and I knew that my attitude wasn’t matching that description then.
How more weird can self-deception be than to think that what you’re wanting isn’t what you really want? My escape from the pit of depression could not happen as long as I was doubting God. Because of forgetting that I thrive best when I’m pleasing Him (that’s easy to do when nourishing temptation by giving it too much attention), I became tricked into believing I was wanting something I didn’t really want. That tells me that if I did receive this desire which was actually an illusion (but probably would be a reality for a non-Christian), then I’d really be miserable!
If I had been examining myself better, I would have seen the pattern of when I am filled with joy. How could it happen that I forgot I am in my best emotional state whenever I’m doing¹ what God wants instead of what I want?
How can someone explain how pleasing God is more joyful than pleasing self unless he too has experienced it? That would be like trying to explain life to someone who hasn’t even been conceived yet.
One thing is for certain, you’ll never read about this kind of weird depression in any psychology books. This [remedy] is just another one of those unwelcome things to talk about in an aspie group meeting (and most other social gatherings too), but thank God I can tell about it here!
¹I had not ‘done’ this thing I was keeping in my mind, but thinking about it was just as harmful as if I had acted on it.
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September 5, 2008
Minds of Fate
It goes against human nature to evaluate a person objectively. People prefer to first find out if someone agrees with their primary ideas (usually meaning their political side on issues). If that person does, then you can just about bet nothing negative will ever be said about their ’saint’. If, on the other hand, that person is not ‘agreeable’, then nothing positive will ever be said about him (or her). How retarded is that?!
Even though I do express some of my concerns through my blog, most of my passions remain unpublished. Passions should usually remain private because of the passiveness embedded within. No matter how much someone might examine or re-examine their thoughts, there will always be some remnant of prejudice yet remaining.
Voting is a choice and who gets elected results from choices made. People like having a sense of control over their destiny. The most repulsive thought to most would be knowing that God sovereignly controls everything and everyone. What’s an abhorrence to some, can be peace for others.
I can’t be the only person who finds comfort in knowing that God ultimately rules over everything man does. Sovereignty is a complex subject that’s impossible to understand without God’s spirit to enlighten the mind. The bottom line is that it’s either going to make a person feel angry or calm.
How many people can enjoy God’s serenity in situations they can’t control? How many even know about this part in Reinhold Niebuhr’s famous prayer: ?
“Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;”
No one other than God can direct thoughts.¹ People say what they will, hoping that their words are almighty. Most of the time, people don’t even realize that what they write or say can be actually having the opposite effect. Usually they are the ones who are so sure of themselves that they don’t even think (or care?) about what impact they’re having.
Whatever man might will, God must appoint it to be. No ruler is independently able bring his own purposes to pass even though it may seem he has all things at his command.
“The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.” — Proverbs 21:1 (King James Version)
“Just as water is turned into irrigation ditches, so the Lord directs the king’s thoughts. He turns them wherever He wants to.” — Proverbs 21:1 (The Living Bible)
¹Even though God permits Satan to do evil in this world, God is not to be blamed for it. God ‘owes’ no one anything.
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August 12, 2008
Meekness Seen as Weakness
I paid a price for falling into a foolish trap when trying to defend Aspies in my post Adult Aspie Compromise.
I didn’t realize back on the 7th day of April that what I did was only a compromise in my own mind. It was not a compromise as most people would view one. That revelation didn’t hit me until just a few days ago. I began to wonder why one particular man (who is the ’some people’ I was referring to being upset) is not only unable to see how nice I am—but also on top of that—pays attention to everything I write in order to look for ways to attack my character.
Now I finally understand the reason for my not receiving any kindness in return for caring about his feelings. It boils down to two basic reasons: one belongs to me and the other belongs to him.
I value meekness as being an admirable virtue. I’m not accustomed to the world’s view of seeing it as being a weakness.¹ When you combine two opposite types of characters (in this case, we’re both neuro-a-typical, but he’s an atheist and I’m a Christian), there will be two different outcomes. If someone acts towards me the same way I act towards him, I would respect him, appreciate his thoughtfulness, and view him as being a nice person. However, it’s not in my nature to act unjustifiably aggressive.
On the flip side, he lost whatever little respect he might have had towards me when I exhibited meek behavior. He perceived my actions as me being like a doormat for him to keep under his feet. I can only guess (but I’m probably correct) most people would not perceive what I did as being a compromise. After all, a compromise is an accommodation in which both sides make concessions.
Since I figured I might find some clues at his blog to help me understand what would make someone (like him) be so different from me, I read a few of his posts. It didn’t take long to find the answer. I don’t want to get too close to using his words. I don’t want to embarrass him by combining what he says with what I’m saying here. He shouldn’t feel embarrassed anyhow, especially since the way he wrote about his insight on why he has related with people the way he does is a very touching and wonderful story. I don’t know whether he realizes it or not, but he still hasn’t changed in spite of his awareness. It’s something that will always continue as long as that’s the way insecurity is dealt with.
Everyone battles insecurity in different ways. We all have different levels of it at different times. For some, it remains at a more stable level than for others. Insecurity itself isn’t necessarily bad, but it can cause bad behavior. It’s not restricted to bad physical actions like stalking and/or spousal abuse.
There is also a variety of bad psychological behavior. On the ‘victim’ end, there are such things as being attracted to abusive people and/or hoping for acceptance by being a doormat. On the ‘bully’ end, there’s the need to psychologically control those who don’t agree with you, especially so towards those who you desperately want to like you. Insecure people care a lot less about what others think and/or believe if they [the potential prey] are of no personal importance to them [the predators].
When an individual has a need to control the way another individual thinks, that’s a sign that he’s looking for reassurance of his own worth by having his ‘victim’ fully comply by succumbing to his thoughts. As long as he sees resistance coming from his target, he will remain obsessed over whatever conflicts with his views.
Now I see that my dilemma is in figuring out how to stop an insecure guy from continuing to be attracted to me. I’m not sure I can. If posting this doesn’t get him to quit paying so much attention to me, I’m going to have to either create a new blog using a pseudonym in order to resume posting or I’m just going to quit blogging altogether.² I’d prefer to not risk having this situation fester into something worse. Whatever happens, I’ll try to avoid deleting what I’ve already published.
¹There’s even a definition of meek which now describes it as, “Evidencing little spirit or courage; overly submissive or compliant.”
²The obvious solution to ending an interest is to make what’s interesting become boring. So, if a person is interesting and doesn’t know how to be boring, then logic dictates the only answer is for that person to disappear. Even Jesus had to vanish on occasion. It’s not much different from a stray cat→ If you don’t want it living with you, stop feeding it. Eventually it will get hungry and go look somewhere else for food.
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August 10, 2008
Blog Names
Obviously, if you’re going to adhere to one topic, then your blog’s name should reflect what it is. Since I don’t want to write exclusively about Asperger’s Syndrome, it would be misleading for this blog to have a name that would give the impression of it only being about Aspergers.
Most blogs that contain a variety of subject matters have names that are not specific. Using your real name is specific. I chose to go that route for a reason I doubt I’ll read one which matches mine.
Because I got to wondering about what others think on the issue to blog under your real name, I was pleasantly surprised to learn what I did.
When beginning to contemplate a name for this blog, I thought using my real name might be perceived as self-centeredness. After all, the only people I noticed ‘dot comming’ their name are published writers. Then I realized the definition of ‘published’ is quite broad. Public—the opposite of private—simply means being visible to the scrutiny of people. The only difference between an eBook you buy online verses a book you buy in a book store, is the method with which its words get transported to readers. That tells me people have become accustomed to trusting the publishing companies to know best what readers want. In my book, I call that another form of ‘politics’ not much unlike the televised media since they decide what will become publicly known.
As soon as I became aware that my struggle over whether or not to use my real name was due to an inner conflict between public approval verses God’s, then I knew what blog name was ‘right’ for me.
People who are familiar with Christian sayings might be aware of the one, “When in doubt if it is God’s will, don’t do it.” Each Christian faces his own ‘fuzzy’ areas, so please don’t think I’m judging others who don’t do as I do in regard to how one sets up his personal blog.
Here’s why this blog isn’t under a pseudonym: [As of October 13th, 2008, it did go under a pseudonym.]
I feel there is less of a chance that I’m going against God’s will¹ by not using a fictitious name for my blog. This doesn’t mean I won’t and/or haven’t done so. I can at least know that I did confess Christ Jesus before men and that He will confess me before God.
I would have less peace if I could not see that I am fearing God more than man. I trust what God says in Matthew 10:28, “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” He has protected me through too many things in my life already for me to doubt His sovereignty now.
No one can truly believe God without expecting Him to put you on trial. You will be tested to the same degree that your spiritual maturity level is at. As you grow in faith, so do your tribulations.
¹Matthew 10:32-33, “”Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.”
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