From what I’ve observed about the Amish, I see their community as being the role model of what functional families should look like. No culture can reach perfection in this area, but a civilized society has no excuse for going backwards. I can’t speak for other countries in the world, but I can share my thoughts on the direction America seems to be heading.
It’s ironic that our society has so many professionals in the mental health industry but yet has an obviously high failure rate. Most criminals repeatedly return to correctional facilities, drug addicts usually end up back at rehabilitation centers sooner or later, clients of therapists typically remain permanently dependent on their programs, and self-help groups all too often end up being an individual’s home away from home. Those are the externally visible examples of dysfunctional behavior.
On a smaller scale (but yet equally important) are beliefs and behaviors hidden within immediate family relationships. Unhealthy patterns within these groups continue because of the inability to see things the way they are and not having to do so. Whenever direct consequences for decisions are able to be severed from those who made unwise choices, the outcome ends up being immaturity. This is the way non-grown-up adults become trained by their children in the way to go.
Growing up means making your own decisions and having to live with the consequences of them. A codependent person lacks the balance that comes from interdependence. A codependent makes less decisions for him/herself by sacrificing too much and/or too long for others. Individual boundaries decrease over time, because structure becomes non-existent. It’s only logical considering that irresponsible behavior is rewarded.
Why would anyone want to change the way s/he is as long as s/he can continue a self-gratifying pattern? On the outside, it may look like a codependent person is suffering silently inside. It would seem like it has to be unpleasant to forgo things for yourself (like maybe someday having a new car, vacation, improved home, etc.) in order to ‘help’ others in ‘need.’ However, if that was truly the case, then a codependent person wouldn’t continue to spend the rest of his or her life behaving in the same dysfunctional and unhealthy way.
Ultimately, no one does what they don’t want to do. We all do what we do because we want to do it and we will do it no matter what the consequences are. It’s the reasons behind our choices that can be deceptive.
Parents who truly love their children do not enable them to remain immature adults. Parents who continuously believe that their adult children need their help, especially if that help eliminates the direct consequences of their childrens’ foolish and irresponsible behavior, are not being loving parents at all. Those self-deluded parents end up being trained by their own children in the way to go.
Parents can deceive themselves into thinking that they are doing the right thing by supporting all the decisions their children make (e.g., how their children raise the next family’s generation, etc.). Parents refusing to establish their own limits (i.e., boundaries) as to what they’ll cooperate with is a sign that something is wrong. Every household has the right to determine it’s own set of values of what is acceptable versus unacceptable.
An adult that hasn’t grown up will not respect the rights of his or her parent(s) if the same beliefs are not held. Rebellion will be inevitable and the codependent parent knows this. An interdependent parent has enough strength, courage, and love to separate himself or herself from whatever childish behavior may come from his or her child(ren)’s stubborn refusal to accept how every human being has to grow up into being a responsible mature adult. A codependent parent can be manipulated into feeling guilty for doing the absolute right thing when s/he believes the wrong is what’s right.
Being codependent means making other person’s decisions for him (or her) and making another person’s problems your problem. There are two ways of making decisions for other people. We’re all familiar with the active way, but how many realize there is a passive way? By letting our adult children decide for us in the way we should go, we unknowingly are passively and non-verbally deciding to tell that child s/he has to remain immature. In fact, at the same time, that codependent behavior is what prevents parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. from being the role model of maturity.
Becoming more immature over time and increasingly codependent is a catch-22 situation. A society can even fall prey to becoming deluded over its existence within its own realm. As government power grows, citizens actually end up getting less by becoming more dependent instead of interdependent. Getting something for nothing (in the end) costs way more than having to earn and pay for something. The way to know when an individual has become fooled is when s/he is unable to comprehend the inevitable outcome of a defective program. This inability to comprehend arises because of preferring to remain childish as much as possible. It’s scary to grow up, but becoming mature has benefits that far exceed the difficulties which come from the challenge.
Families are the micro-organisms of society. When households practice dysfunctional patterns, it’s only to be expected that society will be a magnification of the same product. How can society not become more immature and codependent over time? It has to start with each individual learning the meaning of wisdom.
Reinhold Niebuhr touched upon wisdom his prayer —
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
God sums up wisdom perfectly in Psalm 111:10 —
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.
Hear ye, hear ye… this post is a temporary notice written because I temporarily didn’t notice that my contact form shutdown. It was like me. It looked like it was still there, but something seemed a bit off.
The Potential Atmosphere of Comments
So far I haven’t noticed anyone else stating online the same primary reason I have for usually not having comments enabled. This post is a continuation of yesterday’s Comment Chaos. I’ll begin from where I left off…
Keith’s response to Nyman’s post expresses my thoughts exactly. Notice Nyman’s response to it.
The number one reason why I usually will not enable comments is because it goes against my Christian beliefs. Christians should do what they can to avoid arguments and quarreling. Allowing an environment for the kind of debating that typically goes on when comments are enabled on controversial posts fosters an ungodly spirit.
Imagine a young child who loves both of his parents equally. Then try to imagine how that child would feel while hearing his parents arguing passionately. He would be disturbed because he wants his parents to get along together. For them to be against each other on an issue (or issues) reveals evidence of the potential that they will divide apart (i.e., split). What condition does that then leave the child in? He suffers heartache, especially since he knows there is nothing he can do that’s within his power or control to keep them from hurting each other.
Think about what and why people get defensive. Jesus was perfectly humble. He valued not what others in this world thought of him. Nor did He insist others follow Him. He merely abided His earthly life with His heart’s affection ruled by God. He loved mankind, but loved His heavenly Father more.
What stimulates the need in people to force their opinions on others is pride. Proud people don’t let God be God. When that’s the case, they take it upon themselves to act like god. That’s chaos, because there is no unity (i.e., no common denominator). Chaos and confusion are the grounds for malice to grow.
I once said on my blog, “There is no love in strife, quarreling, wrangling, bickering, or any debating that stems from pride. A malicious spirit only invites disrespect and needs to be disregarded.” God has reasons for saying what’s stated in Romans 1:28-31 and Matthew 5:11-13. There are many other bible verses warning mankind about strife.
I also had written, “Just because others like to debate and argue doesn’t mean I should too. If you’re here to complain, criticize, accuse, and/or condemn me, then maybe it’s best you leave. I don’t allow readers to challenge what I write in my posts, since most contradictions have already been argued elsewhere ad nauseam.” If the way I said it sounds nasty, I didn’t mean it to. It’s hard to know how to say something so people get the message that you mean what you say, while at the same time, keep from crossing the boundary of acting like a god. Adding to that, all the different types of characters who are reading online makes it impossible to not offend someone sometimes, especially if they’re unwilling to be understanding and/or are intolerant of others who differ.
If this post gets misconstrued as being like a sermon given by a preacher because I’m not going to enable comments, the reasons for that will probably vary. For starters, to judge like that is to not look at the whole picture. I am more than my blog. I have lived beyond a middle age. That means my blog is affected by a history of being (mis)treated by others in different ways, a lifetime of learning that has developed who I now am today, and (most importantly) being in training under the rule of my Heavenly Father. I won’t go beyond what I’ve already said, because what I’ve already said might be too much for some people to gracefully accept.
¹Even though I’m super-sensitive towards how others feel does not mean my behavior reflects it perfectly all the time. I have moods just like anyone else. I’m more aware of the times when I’m being a hypocrite or jerk than when I’m not being like that.