Blogging draws my attention towards the spirits of anger and resentment that I’m harboring, so when I write about my negative experiences,¹ I’m feeding them. That is what can make blogging (to me) a destructively vicious cycle. Normally journals are therapeutic, but any kind of journal that can end up being self-destructive shows it may be time to abandon it and move on to something healthier.

There are two kinds of anger: Godly anger verses self-pity anger.

All self-pity is anger in disguise, whether its outwardly passive or active… or inwardly festering as depression (depression is anger turned inward).

There are two kinds of correction, depending on whether its self-centered anger driven by self-pity or Godly anger. Both may contain emotion, but the former glorifies self (a spirit of self-righteousness) and the later glorifies God (it displays humility taking a stand for Godly principles). To say, “What’s the matter with you? Shame on you!” can be symptoms of either a covert attitude of pridefully thanking God or humbly overthrowing the tables.

When I sit down at the computer to type, my brain is triggering adrenaline glands. At this point, probably due to the pattern I’ve allowed myself to get entrenched in, I cannot write without emotions. Its gives me energy when I’m sleep deprived, but its the wrong kind of energy because it’s going to keep me awake. It’s such a conditioned response that all I need to do is see a computer (or think about one), then my body chemistry has changed. Its like a caffeine fix, except more powerful because its able to keep me awake for days on end.

I need to pray and trust God that He will make me simply be → without the negativity!

¹I don’t think positive when I’m blogging, because I’m too often habitually making negative associations. In fact, the habit has become so ingrained that unfortunately its become such a part of my character that its now who I am. It is time for that demonic characteristic to be crucified.

I can imagine the amount of anxiety NTs (for a change) are shocked by when they’re the ones who are clueless as to what’s appropriate and what’s not in a society that’s not what they’re accustomed to. It’s inevitable that they’re going to infect those around them with that same nervous energy.

Because an Aspie has not been spoiled in this social sense, s/he is much more likely to enter into the new and different culture in a calm and relaxed state of being. All neurological types of people might be able to enjoy satisfying their curiosity in new surroundings, but I doubt NTs do as well as Aspies (generally speaking) when it comes to exploring strange societies.

As an adult, when I traveled, I never had someone to travel with me. I went alone or I didn’t go. Now when I reflect back on those times, I realize how much less anxiety I felt when stepping off a plane in a foreign land as compared to enduring a social gathering in what should be my own culture. I still would not be emotionally disturbed when someone who should have met me upon arrival would not be there. Such things simply added to my pleasant excitement.

I’ve never gone for tourist packages and I know I’d hate going on a commercial cruise ship. In fact, the more the trip could be unconventional and off the beaten path with plenty of unknowns, the better it was. To me, that kind of adventure is always more relaxing than those that are prearranged to please the masses. I can only guess it’s mostly because of getting a fresh new dose of intellectual stimulation (i.e., nothing boring/very interesting).

I was told that people don’t know what to make of someone who doesn’t act nervous in situations where most others would. I guess I portray a similar attitude like Borat when he approached a gang of black rappers who taught him to speak slang in the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.¹

It’s interesting to note that people can end up following the lead set by the one walking into a situation. It’s not much different than how a pack of dogs would react to the way that a new dog enters into their territory.

For example, I remember feeling genuinely popular (unlike I ever felt before) among a culture foreign to modern influence. I was told those particular natives to the land normally dislike Americans and that they found me to be not what they had expected at all. I had no idea what they were expecting and I had no clue what to expect from them. The odd thing for me was to experience immediate acceptance. I could easily share laughter with any of them (and did), but for me to experience that kind of relaxing at some social gathering like a local barbecue, dinner, or party is something that would never happen. It’s just not the same kind of laughing that builds bonds and goes deep. I guess that’s to be expected when so much importance is placed upon what’s socially correct verses offensive.

If the problem was as NTs mistakenly think, that Aspies don’t know how to be social properly, then it wouldn’t make any difference where in the world I’d go because all societies would react the same way to me. Since that’s not the case, then the real problem must come from what NTs expect from Aspies. Aspies can read books like Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People or Don Gabor’s How To Start A Conversation and Make Friends but tips in books like that mean nothing when you’re among people who will never understand your way of thinking and/or being.

I could never have been a hit with cliques like The Plastics portrayed in the film Mean Girls.² Such immature behavior doesn’t change when girls like that grow up. What happens instead is the meanness become more sophisticated and polished. It’s not hard to sense its existence. In fact, it’s almost impossible for me to ignore it when I detect it in others. There are some who don’t care whether or not I know they’re really not nice. Most though do care about what impression they make, but what they don’t see is the degree to which they may be deceiving themselves into thinking they’re being ‘nice’ when in reality that is not the case.

To openly and honestly discuss what’s disliked and possibly perceived with disgust, along with why, is nearly impossible. Usually most prefer to limit the attention integrity gets, especially now when playing small-scale politics³ (in just about every social situation) is becoming increasingly popular.

The bottom line is Aspies face culture shock every time we’re thrown into a social scenario.

How can Aspies, such as myself, not experience anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) when we have to operate within a different and unknown cultural or social environment, such as the foreign ways in which neurotypicals think and behave?

Pressure (stress) grows because of the impossibilities Aspies face in assimilating the new (NT) culture that causes difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust (moral or aesthetical) towards certain aspects of socializing.

¹Four seconds of this can be seen at the 1:42 — 1:46 section of the trailer clip.

²No amount of coaching, therapy, books, or ‘meds’ could make that happen, even if I wanted to gain such acceptance.

³Politics (noun): social relations involving authority or power.

In my earliest years, when you pulled into a gas station, you waited for the attendant to fill up your tank with fuel. And then came self-service stations. Now we have self-serve ice cream, self-serve check-out counters, self-serve bank accounts, etc.

Undetectable to the human eye, we now have self-serve ministers (ordained by seminaries instead of God) who help themselves to a congregation.

Almost all believers of the bible now have a self-serve faith. They imagine somehow that the larger their prayer circle is, the more God will listen to them. Elijah’s faith, as told in 1 Kings 18:30-46, does not receive as much attention these days as the type described in James 5:13-16.

Yes, God does tell His people to pray. But why? How many realize their idea of prayer is backwards? Our prayers don’t cause God to move. God is the one who does what He will and He will do it whether or not we pray. The hard concept to grasp is why then would He have us to pray?

One reason it’s hard for God’s elect (impossible for the unregenerate) to comprehend something so insulting is because of not being humbled enough to realize just how much we need God and God does not need us. God owes us nothing. We owe all of our being to Him. With the gap that exists between mankind and God, it’s not hard to understand why He needed to remind us in Isaiah 55:8-9 about trusting mankind to rule.

Every time God (not self) places us in the position to pray, He does it to work out the salvation that He originally gave us in the first place. From the human perspective, it seems we’re being proactive (because our will does act). Since God is the one who saves us (from our slavery to sin) for His use, He also will use our prayers. He will even let those who are not saved to be deceived into thinking He answers their prayers for them (to explain that statement would make this post way too long).

God instructed us to pray, “as it is in heaven,” in Matthew 6:10.  That means “It is finished.” When Jesus said that in John 19:30, he didn’t just mean His work on earth. Christ’s work on earth was a by-product of God’s will that was already done in heaven before He even created the world. This is why the LORD wanted to do His heavenly Father’s will.

If mankind couldn’t believe that his prayers ultimately held the power to possibly control the fate of events, most would never pray. Prayers have power, but only those which God has inspired.

When someone prays believing that his prayers control God’s behavior, it reveals that he has twisted around what God says in Philippians 2:12-13.  He has self-served himself to self-righteousness by thinking that he accepted Christ as his Lord and savior, while God waited helplessly in heaven hoping that He [God] would be elected by him (as if God was the lottery player and man was the one who possesses the wealth).

These self-gods are the false Christs and false prophets (mentioned in Matthew 24:24) Satan sends out to deceive (if it were possible) those who seek peace from the torment of guilt. They bend the truth by rationalizing that God knew ahead of time they would choose Him. One or the other is Almighty, so since God knows 100% of the future (He designed it) and man can’t, then how can it be logical that man is in control of it?… or is that too deep for most to try comprehending?

Because demonic spirits are allowed to roam this earth, there are people with a limited degree of capability to foresee some future events and have some psychic abilities. This is why the bible warns against this practice of witchcraft and fortune telling. It does exist. It can even appear to be used for the ‘good’ of mankind.

To believe that God submits His will to man’s desires expressed in prayer, is a subtle form of witchcraft. When prayers are the effect of God’s spirit abiding in His children, God is using those prayers to exercise the faith He has placed in them (e.g., Elijah) for their spiritual growth. It’s how God draws His own into a closer and more dependent relationship with Him.

It’s the opposite of our physical maturity. As babies, we depend on our parents tremendously. The goal of growing up is to become more independent so that we’re mature enough to meet the needs of our own children when they’re born. If we don’t gradually substitute our dependency upon our parents with one towards God, we end up living our lives in rebellion against God. Why it happens naturally is explained in Jeremiah 17:9.

Matthew 18:19 can be misleading if it is not compared with other scripture verses. At first, it seems like God is reacting to the action of two people agreeing on earth. In a way, He is… but these two people who are doing the asking are desiring God’s will to be done. They are doing so because what they are touching upon is a result of the thoughts God has placed into their minds. They are doing what’s said in 2 Corinthians 10:5.

All Christians belong to the Kingdom of God and all are Kings who rule over self (i.e., have true self-control). Proverbs 21:1 tells us that our hearts (minds) are turned whatever way the hand of the LORD wills. Those who pray for God’s will to be done, shall permanently grow into God’s will. We have this promise in Philippians 1:6.

Psalm 37:4 is also evidence that prayer is the symptom of God’s spirit at work in His children. When prayers are not inspired by God, they reflect a delight to serve self and God warns what may become of those prayers in James 4:3.

Why would God tell us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ when He [God] is the one who controls what way every individual’s heart goes (e.g., Exodus 7:13)? Because from our perspective, it’s impossible for us to see God steering our heart.

Without the faith of Christ, we are left to believe that we are the masters of our own destiny. God puts us to the test with every choice He gives us. We are responsible and accountable for what we do and/or don’t do.

For those who are His, we work (i.e., control self/thoughts) out what He worked in. As for the other 97%, what’s worked out are the symptoms caused by sin worked into human nature.

Symptoms are those things which work their way out and causes are those things which have worked their way in. As spiritual deception increases, causes are increasingly mistaken for symptoms and symptoms are mistaken for causes.

I attended an unconventional convention last night and survived! Actually it consisted of about a dozen people, myself included. Maybe to NTs that might not be anything earth quaking, but to me, after how my core has been shook in the past, it’s stressful to say the least.

It was the first time in my life when I knew that there would be some who really wanted to hear what I might have to say. I can’t even describe how weird that is to me. I see now that I’ll never be rid of the feeling like I’m entering into a trap, even after walking out.¹ That’s the permanent consequence of what happens when you’ve been tricked by malicious people too many times. Of course they (those from my past) didn’t think ahead or care about the rippling effect that would last decades into the future and possibly offend others besides the Aspie used for making an entertaining fool. I can sincerely like some people who are probably genuinely benign, but I can never trust anyone… never.

While driving into the city where I was to talk with students and their professor about what it’s like being an adult Aspie, I foolishly ignored my intuition. There is nothing like getting a good dose of stress before a stressful event. My senses were being bombarded with increasing danger signals from all around my vehicle. I was heading straightforward into the guts of a city that’s infamous for its level of crime, at dusk on a rainy evening no less! The looks I received gave me the creeps! If I had not been going to a college campus, you can be sure I wouldn’t have been where I was without my Browning handgun fully loaded.

I arrived 45 minutes early. To others, that might seem a bit extreme. To me, it’s good to have that much time for readjusting myself to my new surroundings. I liked that I could settle down in a quiet, and fairly vacant, space indoors. I did appear lost inside, but how’s that to be avoided when you’re just curious to check out what’s where?

It’s funny how every college I’ve been in has the same smell. What’s even more weird is that High schools have their own odor, which is even different from Elementary schools.

My boat didn’t get rocked until I entered into the classroom. Immediately my brain was taxed by the hideously bright florescent lighting! If that wasn’t enough to stimulate my nervous system, the room’s silence that shortly followed the kind introduction was unnerving. It was good my daughter had prepared a last minute paper for students to read to help them possibly stir up some questions so the ball could roll in spite of her not being there to lead the conversation. I only had time to read it once without distractions. I told the professor that I thought the way she wrote about what it was like to have me as her mom sounded like a sales pitch. It was nice of her to say what she did, but it sure had me feeling awkward when reading it.

Others were impressed with her writing skills and story. I bet it wasn’t like anything else they’ve ever read before — certainly not like any textbook, that’s for sure! If it wasn’t for the instructor’s exceptionally calm demeanor,² my brain might have started freezing up instead of just being slush. Compared to how well others could talk when asking me their questions, I know I sounded like no one else they’ve ever heard speak before. I could see it in their faces.

I also noticed a huge difference in attitudes from the signals each person was emitting my way. I must have become more sensitive than ever to the vibes that people can give off. I knew beforehand not to expect everyone to be alike. It reminded me of when I attended conferences about Aspergers where there were teachers who talked down to me as if I was dog crap³ and looked at me as if they wished they could permanently rid the planet of those like me. It’s not even necessary for me to see facial expressions to get the sense of when someone perceives me with disgust because of her (or his) arrogant attitude. It can even display itself in the way that someone puts down a paper she reads or the way one sits in a chair.

It takes an incredible amount of concentration to ignore bad signals and focus on the good ones. No wonder NTs are better at multitasking skills like socializing among a crowd of people. They’re not as aware of each individual all at the same time and can switch tracks rapidly… like a flat stone bouncing as it skims the surface of water. If I allow myself to get too distracted by one individual, I sink like a boulder deep into the dark depths of oblivion.

So, how well did I manage to speak about what life is like as an adult Aspie? I have no clue. I was told I did well, but to me, no matter how well I do something, it will always feel grossly insufficient. I only hope and pray that I was helpful somehow and that constructive use will be made of whatever may have been insightful. I also hope that those who respect Aspies for who we are know that I (and others like me) appreciate you guys more than you could ever know!

¹Whenever I am wanted for whatever the reasons might be, I’m skeptical and will always wonder why.

²I’m not sure if he’d mind my mentioning his name.

³No, no one did that last night.

For a very brief time after learning that the ‘gap’ was due to a neurological difference¹ between me and the majority of others, I felt sad over knowing that it was time for me to let go of the hope I’d been clinging to throughout my life. Once I accepted this loss, I was stunned to discover a joy I’d never have thought possible for me to experience. That joy came from knowing that there never really was anything ‘wrong’ with me after all! It was merely an illusion I allowed others to place upon me. No wonder I had been a target for bullies! Now that I understand that there are people who put others down in order to build themselves up, I still to this day ask myself, “Sheila… what were you thinking?!?!”

Now that the mysteries are gone, I’m able to have a freedom unlike what most NTs can experience. Now that I know I’ll never be able to prove what most NTs think of me, it doesn’t matter! I’ll either be liked or I won’t. That leaves me with only one way to live and that means simply being true to myself.

Taking care of myself socially was something I didn’t know how to do before. Because I think differently, I’m an unusual character. It’s not sensible for an unusual character to attempt socializing in the same manner as people ordinarily do and it’s illogical to allow typical people to tell those like me how we should function. We’re a different breed; a bit eccentric, but not freaks.

Because Aspies think differently, it would be foolish of us to not be suspicious of others. Being cautious is wise; not paranoid. Would you refer to wild deer apprehensively crossing a mowed lawn as behaving weird or would it be weird if wild deer were not leery around people?

Until society becomes neurodiverse, it’s best if NTs don’t expect more than an occasional visit from Aspies. For us to be forced to live in a social environment we did not create is brutish and not very civilized.

It’s no wonder I used to be so unhappy. To me, meeting ‘Aspergers’ is like having the best friend I never had. Now I can finally enjoy who I am and I can do it without needing to impress someone! I find it quite amusing that it’s my daughter who finally taught me what my mother should have. It’s also amazing how much better she now relates to me after I explained to her about Aspergers almost two and a half years ago!

It’s okay for those who really would like to help innocent Aspie children to tell them about the ways NTs socialize. However, don’t stop there. Explain to them what is going on in the minds of NTs and fully explain why… but don’t expect Aspie children to understand any irrational behavior.

Then after you’ve done that, what’s even more important (and maybe more difficult) is listen to what these children would like you to know about that’s going on in their minds and why they have the thoughts they do. Don’t expect to fully understand them though, because there is a good chance their explanation might be too foreign to grasp. It all depends, especially since every Aspie is quite unlike another Aspie.

If there is one tip to not forget, it’s this:

Don’t expect the same methods which work for raising NT children to be successful for Aspies.

What might ’spoil’ a NT child most likely will not do that to an Aspie. That could be much, if not most, of what contributes to the misjudging of Aspies.

‘Intense’ minds with hyper-sensitivities require being ‘catered’ to; just like delicate tropical fish as compared to hardy goldfish.

¹All that this neurological difference boils down to is a different way of thinking. Information is processed differently. That’s it; nothing more, nothing less.

My grown-up NT daughter and I were invited to share our stories about what it’s like to be a NT daughter raised by an Aspie mom and what it’s like for an Aspie mom to raise a NT daughter (plus, an Aspie son).

With her being the type of person who works well under pressure, I left her to pursue concentrating on what she was to say at the last minute. My way is to prepare as soon as I know I have something planned, but without my knowing beforehand what she feels is important to cover, I became stuck as far as preparations go.

Now the date has arrived. Tonight is the time. The place is a classroom of students going for a PhD in Special Education. The plan was that my NT daughter would do the talking up front and I’d ‘fill-in’ the gaps while seated among the students.

As we all know, plans can change at the last minute. My daughter will be unable to attend. That leaves me to wing it on my own without her.

‘Normal’ people prepare by gathering their thoughts, writing them, and practice what they plan to say over and over again. That’s fine for them, but I know that won’t work for me. For starters, without feedback, I continually change my mind about what to say (especially since I know listeners don’t want to spend the night listening to me go on and on).

I can remember when I was a student in college classrooms. I could do quite a bit of hefty talking once the instructor would hit upon an area that opened me up, but I had to do it from my seat and couldn’t look at anyone else while talking. To look at more than one person and realize there are many around who are listening, immediately distracts my train of thought. I pick up on all the different ‘vibes’ people give off and then start to feel torn in different directions.

I doubt many can comprehend what it’s like to grow up feeling like no one really cares about what you’ve got to say, but then a day suddenly comes when people might actually want to listen to your words. It’s confusing to say the least.

It doesn’t help either when being told people will be skeptical about why I want to speak, especially without charging any money. What’s so hard to understand about wanting to improve the lives of other Aspies who may have to follow the same path I’m on? Is it because I lack the what’s in it for me factor? Is it because some NTs project themselves into my place — secretively thinking that I’m a freak and they’d never go public for others to laugh at behind their back (if they were me)?

Maybe you can get the idea how much there is for me to wonder about as I come to the conclusion that God (again) has the answers for everything (as always). He says in Matthew 10:19,

But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is,

…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Whatever God is willing, if it’s my time to speak tonight, then He will give me the words. If it’s not, then mute is what I shall be.

The above is a cartoon off of a carton of organic eggs. Can anyone see the humor in it that I do?

Now if I understand the motive correctly behind this gimmick, it’s to ease the consciences of those who would be disturbed to think that they might be eating little chicks which have not had the opportunity to hatch yet. Most of these types of people though don’t mind that unborn babies get torn apart when they’re sucked out of the womb before they’ve had a chance to be born.

The humor I find behind this cartoon is that I wonder how many people stop to think long enough to realize why there typically are so few roosters around to fertilize the hen’s eggs before they’re laid.

Those in the egg produce business purchase hens… well, because most know that roosters don’t lay eggs, right? Well then how do they know they’re buying hens and not roosters?

Ever hear of the term chick sexing? Most of the males (roosters) are disposed of within days of their hatching because they are irrelevant to egg production.

The term for this type of disposal is called chick culling. You can read about these different methods employed for killing roosters, but then you might feel insulted the next time you see a cartoon like this one on a carton of eggs.

No wonder most people prefer to remain ignorant. It’s so much more pleasant.

My favorite interest is theology. It has been for about three decades now. One of the most influential statements of logic I’ve read was by John Owen.

Owen asked, “For Whom Did Christ Die?” Here is his answer:

The Father imposed His wrath due unto, and the Son underwent punishment for, either:

1. All the sins of all men.
2. All the sins of some men, or
3. Some of the sins of all men.

In which case it may be said:

1. That if the last be true, all men have some sins to answer for, and so, none are saved.
2. That if the second be true, then Christ, in their stead suffered for all the sins of all the elect in the whole world, and this is the truth.
3. But if the first be the case, why are not all men free from the punishment due unto their sins?

You answer, “Because of unbelief.”

I ask, Is this unbelief a sin, or is it not? If it be, then Christ suffered the punishment due unto it, or He did not. If He did, why must that hinder them more than their other sins for which He died? If He did not, He did not die for all their sins!”

Out of my collection of hundreds of theology books, I have more by Arthur W. Pink than any other. His final edition of The Sovereignty of God is an awesome classic!

Instead of writing about my favorites and since pictures can say more than words, I’ll include a small fraction of my books in photos.

Maybe visual images will help others to realize that neurology and psychology are not my main interest. I’d rather talk about Christ more than anything else,¹ but somehow my blog doesn’t seem to give that impression.

¹I said talk; not argue.

What are people thinking who want ultra-pasteurized milk? Do they think it means cows have spent more time in the pasture?

I know most who use computers and the internet probably know that’s not what it means, but do they realize that the pasteurization process removes nutrition that’s needed by the human body?

Read the raw milk facts and learn what real milk is! And while you’re at it, don’t think homogenization is healthy either. It doesn’t even qualify as food. Woud you eat a cow pie?

I wouldn’t be so rude as to ask someone, “Do you work?” or “How much money do you make?”

For starters, I’m not interested to know; plus, those things are none of my concern.

It’s illogical for people to fear being rude when someone is being rude to them.

There is nothing wrong with being straightforward by telling someone, “I’m of the opinion it’s not something you need to know.” After all, don’t we all know that everyone is entitled to having an opinion?

There is also nothing wrong with saying, “Since you’re asking a personal question, I prefer to keep that private.”

Both replies are direct, honest, and respectable answers. If the other person feels offended by such answers, then that’s her problem. Obviously she’s nosy (or preconsciously enjoying bullying) to ask such things in the first place.

To change the subject, or play the hinting game, is actually more rude than doing the person a favor by steering her in the right direction. At least then she has the hope of thinking differently and possibly becoming a better person because of your thoughtfulness. If not, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do anyhow so what have you lost?

I have to wonder if all the hype about what’s a rude question isn’t triggered mostly by the fear of not being intelligent enough to know how to handle others.

Is that why it is considered rude to challenge what someone says?

I’ve actually been told that most people don’t like to think. They say it makes them uncomfortable. If that’s so, then how about me? It’s far more uncomfortable to have to live with the consequences of a society that’s too lazy to think.¹

Even if you feel outsmarted by someone, it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Only proud people feel humiliated and they’re the very ones who should be!

I’ve been told by reliable sources that the #1 fear NTs have is to offend another person. Superficially they might act like they don’t care, but in reality they do. It’s in their preconscious, so they’re not even aware of it.

I would like to ask those who started the rumor that it’s rude to challenge what someone says, “Who do you think you are to define what is rude?…God?” Of course, a question like that would be considered super-rude to ask.

Why so I must ask? Because I’m challenging what someone says! What in the world do such people think they’re doing to those like me?!

They are doing the very same thing. They are challenging what I am saying!… and I say it is NOT rude to challenge what someone says.

Why do I then not allow readers to challenge what I write in my posts? Because I know ahead of time that what they’re going to say has already been said by others.

Communication should go from point A to point B. It can zig-zag along the way, but it if is something that will spin around until someone has to get off to vomit, then why bother?

Most topics have already been argued elsewhere ad nauseam. My blog isn’t a merry-go-round, even though it can be quite the amusing place to park.

¹Add to that, too few people with the backbone to live with integrity! Talking about it (but not doing it) is worse than not talking about it at all.