Housekeeping is a novel by the Pulitzer Prize-winning author Marilynne Robinson. It was published in 1980, nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, and given the PEN/Hemingway Award for best first novel.

In 2003, the Guardian Unlimited named Housekeeping one of the 100 greatest novels of all time, describing the book thus: “Haunting, poetic story, drowned in water and light, about three generations of women.” Time magazine also included the novel in its TIME 100 Best English-language Novels from 1923 to 2005.

What isn’t mentioned is that the main character, Sylvie, is an Asperger individual. Sylvie’s neice, Ruth, also appears to be an Aspie. It’s obvious Ruth’s younger sister, Lucille, is neurotypical. That would explain what Sylvie and Ruth gravited towards each other, while Lucille distanced herself from them.

← (Click on book’s blurb to enlarge for reading.)

Housekeeping became a 1987 drama film directed by Bill Forsyth. It stars Christine Lahti as Sylvie and Sara Walker as Ruth. It won two awards at the 1987 Tokyo International Film Festival.

A person like Sylvie is an Aspie unlike what most imagine the profile of an adult female on the autism spectrum would resemble.

Here is an excerpt from SpeaksWithRavens’ comment titled Please search for a movie entitled “Snowcake” on the post Autism in the Media: More Than Just Asperger’s? at the Online Grapevine site:

There is a much older film entitled “Housekeeping” which starred the great Christine Lahti. The film is based on a book which I’ve not read, but is said to also be great. At the time, the main character was expressed as ‘eccentric and introverted.’ I believe if you watch this film now (more than 20 years later), you’ll come away with a very different impression. I saw the film when it was first released and remember wondering why everyone was treating the Aunt with so much unkindness, threat and criticism. I watched it again on VHS several years ago and the shock of recognition was amazing. Some reviewers found it “too surreal” to comprehend. Anyone who has ASD or has dealt with ASD will not find it at all surreal.

SpeaksWithRavens’ entire comment is lengthy, but all of it is worth reading because of how true everything is that’s said.

Books are not helpful enough for most neurotypicals to recognize Aspergers in someone. Films may help, but still not sufficiently, especially if and/or when someone gets inaccurate information (or misunderstands it). How many people know how much psychologists specializing in Aspergers need Aspies to teach them how to detect Aspergers?  ← That kind of information the mental health profession prefers to keep private.

Aspies are the only ones who really know what Aspergers is like. That’s why publications and films are not always accurately portraying Aspergers, especially in a respectful way. The only difference between the book version of “Housekeeping” and its movie version is that the book goes a little further past the ending than what you see in the film. Both do a fantastic job of showing, through Sylvie’s character, an example of how unique Aspies can be even among the Aspergian culture. Compare Sylvie (Christine Lahti) with the Aspie character Martha Horgan (Debra Winger) in the book and movie A Dangerous Woman. Sylvie is laid-back and relaxed whereas Martha is always anxious, but yet they are both Aspie women.

In the movie (a FUN 2 minute trailer of it is at the end of this post) and the book, “Housekeeping,” the busybody neurotypical ladies of the community complained to Aunt Sylvie about her niece Ruthie being sad.¹ Lucille, Ruthie’s sister, decided to go her own way with her own friends. This left Ruthie feeling rejected and abandoned, but yet Ruthie was expected to hide her true emotion of sadness?! Sylvie had the sense to inform these buttinsky do-gooders that Ruthie should feel sad (to expect otherwise would be the single most damaging form of psychological abuse → invalidation). The agenda of the church ladies rendered them incapable of listening to, comprehending, or validating what Sylvie was trying to communicate.

The more Sylvie would say, the more her words would be twisted against her. It was a classic example of why it’s said, “Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.” Because Sylvie thinks so differently from how most other women do, the community expects her to always be explaining her behavior to them. People, by nature, find choosing to not believe easier than accepting what they can’t understand.

← (Click on VHS back cover to enlarge for reading.)

Housekeeping is only a novel. However, the way things happen in that story to the characters can happen in real life just as easily. Worse things can even happen.

Here’s an attitude that takes bullying to a higher level than what the church ladies and local deputy sheriff inflicted upon Sylvie and Ruthie → “…hardly a man in the county who didn’t go out clapeing one time or another when they were kids.” The problem is simply(?!?) a “lack of concern or caring about the tolerance of people who are different. Those who are not tolerated have shown the most tolerance of all.”²

¹The first time I watched this movie or read this book was before knowing about Aspergers. When I went to rent a VHS copy of this film, the guy working for the video store ignorantly said the main character (Sylvie) is a schizophrenic person. Many so-called ‘professionals’ have also misdiagnosed countless numbers of Aspergians as being schizophrenic.

Housekeeping is my favorite movie and book. Maybe if I hadn’t seen the movie before reading the book, it would be my second favorite? Christine Lahti is perfect for the role of Sylvie. Her non-conformist style, joyful spirit, relaxed way of being, witty humor, clever imagination, and keen [brave, wise, and daring] intellect appeal to me. I’d find having a friend with those characteristics a lot of fun to be around and definitely not boring!

²From the 1988 film A Stoning in Fulham County — A true story of the death of a six-month-old Amish girl from being struck in the head by a rock. She died from her injuries in Indiana in 1979 at the hands of rowdy non-Amish teenage boys from town who, for “macho sport” and fun, drive around throwing stones at Amish buggies at night. The activity is called “clape-ing,” coming from a derogatory local term for the Amish — “clape” for clay ape, a term that probably relates to the Amish being farmers.

Children must first show signs of respect towards their parents before they are allowed the privilege of gaining an explanation for why their parents do what they do. To give an explanation when the child wants it rather than giving it when the parent deems s/he is ready to receive it subtly empowers the child and weakens respect towards the parent.

Reb Bradly points out in his book,

A chief characteristic of those in authority is that they are not accountable to those under their control. In fact, the first sign that they have lost control is that they feel the need to constantly explain themselves to those they oversee.

Consider psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, and social workers. They would never think they are accountable. Almost always, those they oversee constantly have to explain themselves to these certified do-gooders. Those who mental health organizations don’t have the authority to control get disrespected in other ways. I’m specifically thinking about adult Aspies.

What compounds this loss of respect towards Aspies that’s caused by unequal authority is the overestimated trustworthiness given to these bookly educated rulers by sheeple. Without thinking critically, sheeple automatically accept what they hear and read. This doesn’t help Aspies to be respected in society. It’s ironic that NTs think Aspies need to be trained to not be rude but yet most of them are rude to Aspies on a regular basis.

For example, throughout my entire life (including adulthood) everyone expected me to be submissive to them. From the day I was born, this was the case. To me, it was my normal way of life. I didn’t even realize it was happening. I didn’t notice no one asked me what I wanted or that I unquestioningly did things the way they wanted. I was trained to come if called, as like a dog.

Had I been properly trained, I would have been taught to know how manipulative people behave. It would have spared me from remaining so naïve and vulnerable for way too long. It wasn’t until after becoming 54 years old I briefly began to receive some desperately needed relationship coaching. It lasted for a couple of years.

This excellent relationship coach of mine told me that people with self-imposed authority do not want you to expect them to come to you. If they do come, it is on their terms, their time, and their way. The same principle applies to contact. They call the shots. If the submissive one dares to do so, she better not expect compliance. It’s all about control and dominance; just like hens with an established pecking order.

It also took me a very long time to realize no one ever explained themselves to me, at least not to the degree I would. If I’d get something from them, it would be mind gamers’ excuses. What others always get from me is the truth. I had become conditioned to explain myself. I even know when it’s wanted before the other person does. It was always a one-way street.

That would explain my habit of being submissive to my children for too long. I wasn’t even aware that my children were training me. If only I had Reb Bradley’s child training book as soon as I could read, my life may have developed radically different! Even if I didn’t have the book, hearing the quote “Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it,” would have helped a lot.

( ← Click to read enlarged view.)

When you’re guilty of trespassing a boundary in a relationship, a confession, apology, and an explanation is required if there is to be hope for reconciliation. The reason for chaos between Aspies and neurotypicals has a lot to do with violating the Golden Rule of doing unto others as you would have others do unto you.

In a society where Aspergers is not honored,¹ the more Aspies explain themselves to neurotypicals, the less neurotypicals will respect them.

Unless respect already is displayed towards Aspies, Aspies are only digging their hole deeper by explaining themselves.² If this was not so, then neurotypicals would be publishing books to explain their weird and illogical behavior to Aspies. I don’t hate NTs, but I also don’t respect most of them either because of how often they’re constantly violating my boundaries.

It’s time for Aspergers to be respected as much as neurotypicalism is. The only way I can see equality manifesting itself would be if Aspies have the same amount of control as NTs do. So far, what mostly exists on the magazine racks, books stores, radio, televised media, and newspapers, is still unbalanced.

¹It is not honorable to be written about in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

²Especially to most who are involved in the mental health industry and mega organizations like Autism Speaks.

Read the Comments of a post published on September 10, 2009 asking, Is Autism Speaks Mis-Spending Its Money? Your Opinion Requested. Combine what those commenters say with what autismvotes.org’s news for September 30, 2011 about Obama signing an act that authorizes Autism Speaks to help themselves to $693 million for the next three years so their head honchos can live even more lavishly at the expense of taxpayers.

We already knew Autism Speaks is about eugenics. But did you also realize Autism Speaks is so greedy that, according to its 2010 annual report, its management salaries add up to more than half the proceeds of its fundraising walks? Nonprofit charity is what it isn’t.

After having read the movie’s description, I had to watch the movie. I intuitively knew this story was going to begin the process of unlocking a lot of my lifetime mysteries. I just didn’t know how it was going to happen or what else the future would be revealing to me.

I even heard my ‘Mackey’ say to a relative of mine who ‘talks down’ to me the same way as Francis did to Martha, “Did it ever occur to you that maybe what she may need is a little kindness?” (Francis was a domineering and manipulative aunt.) So naturally, after experiencing the movie, I had to read the book. I had no way of knowing how many pieces God was giving me before I would be discovering how Aspergers was the piece I was missing to explain why my life is so different from mostly everyone else.

Mary McGarry Morris wrote the novel “A Dangerous Woman.” Reading that book was the same experience for me as reading “Mozart and the Whale” and “Housekeeping.” I could strongly relate to all those books and their movie versions. It wasn’t until reading “Mozart and the Whale” did I know Aspergers was the common thread they share.

In hindsight, it seems a strange coincidence for me to have been reading this book on the 1st anniversary of my father’s death.³ The memory of his funeral was still fresh in my mind. My experience was not unlike Martha’s in the novel. The people attending were dry-eyed chatty mourners who were friends of my ‘Frances’. The one individual who I mistook as being my friend must have attended my father’s funeral just to see out of curiousity who would be there for me. After that day, she vanished and made sure I wouldn’t ever be able to contact her. I’d hardly call that a friend.

People describing “A Dangerous Woman” say Martha is ‘slow’, ‘dim-witted’, and ‘mentally ill’. In the film, Martha’s Aunt [Francis Beecham] sums up Martha’s ‘disability’ well when she says, “She just doesn’t lie… that’s all.” The key words are, “that’s all.” That is what makes Martha different.

People dislike people not like themselves. The narrator in the film’s trailer hits the nail on the head when he says, “Sometimes being different can be dangerous.” I’m assuming he meant Martha is dangerous. The editorial review of the book on amazon.com from the Library Journal by Doris Lynch says,

What makes Martha a dangerous woman is her unfailing honesty; she hasn’t learned the world’s way of lying, of hiding behind a social mask. At one point Birdy, her friend, tries on Martha’s glasses to see if she really does view the world differently.

Amazon’s editorial review mentality fits with the world’s view that someone who isn’t a liar is ‘slow’, ‘dim-witted’, and ‘mentally ill’. God says in The Bible that someone who does not conform [Romans 12:2] to the world’s way of lying, of hiding behind a social mask, is someone who has a sound mind [2 Timothy 1:7]. The world tries to say it’s necessary for us to be liars and, more importantly, to be like everyone else. People like people like themselves.

← (Click on book’s blurb to enlarge for reading.)

What should be pointed out is that society is equally as dangerous to someone who is different. The movie omits vital parts of Martha’s earlier life. She was sexually humiliated as a teenager by being gang-raped.

The movie also leaves out Colin Mackey telling Martha what it is that people don’t like about her. Martha could not understand why no one liked her. Mackey told her, “It’s not so much that people don’t like you, but rather dislike your ability to see them.” Martha’s struggle was caused by the conflict between her always being honest versus everyone else portraying themselves to be socially acceptable. It’s ironic that people didn’t believe her while yet everyone knew her “problem” was that she was too honest.

Mackey tries to get Martha to understand that people don’t always care to see what a liar or how evil someone is, even if they’re personally involved with the person. I still find it shocking to believe that people choose to not want to know the truth. It seems illogical, foolish, detrimental to society, irresponsible, and wrong.

Martha gets anxious when having to make decisions in situations like when she’s at the checkout counter being asked, “Paper or plastic?” Not all Aspies are uptight. Besides different genetic make-ups, life experiences hugely affect how Aspies differ from other Aspies. In “Housekeeping,” the (Aspie) character Aunt Sylvie is laid-back and relaxed. In both fiction stories, people in the community disdain Martha and Sylvie for being different. In the non-fiction story “Mozart and the Whale,” Mary Meinel-Newport and Jerry Newport also face disdain for the same reasons. Mary is like Sylvie in her carefree attitude. Jerry is like Martha in being anxious. What makes the difference is how much they care what others think about them.

People dislike people not like themselves. What makes someone dangerous is unfailing honesty? Someone who hasn’t learned the world’s way of lying? Someone incapable of hiding behind a social mask? What then are lying, manipulative, character disordered con artists? Safe and to be trusted? Have so many people become character disordered that those who are not character disordered bother the consciences of those who are? Is that what makes trustworthy people dangerous? Is that why completely honest people are trusted the least?

¹Matthew 19:14, “…for it is to those who are childlike that the Kingdom of the Heavens belongs.”

²Women may enjoy being romanced by a man, including asexuals. Martha is not asexual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation belonging to individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. Celibacy is a choice. Asexuality is not.

³Whoa!… I just realized that my father died on this same day of the year I’m composing this post (Jan. 18)! I found his blackened burned body two days after he died.

Postscript added 2.6.12 — If you found this post interesting, you may also enjoy Aspergers in Housekeeping.

The power of any mind game lies in the other person not being aware of how and when they’re being played.

Below is an excerpt from a paper written on June 11, 2009 by a neurotypical relative of mine. Little did she know how much this bit of information was the pot of gold at the end of my ‘lifetime of tears’ rainbow.

Whether we admit it or not, the Neurotypical human nature is guilty of manipulation because we are driven by selfish ulterior motives. It’s a social battlefield where manipulation is just another grenade in our hands. I’m not saying Aspies are incapable of manipulation but the driving force is usually not there. What I got from [Sheila] was truth.

Ironically, [Sheila's] lack of manipulation caused me to be a pro at manipulating her. [Sheila] was an easy, wide open target due to her naïve Aspie nature. I played her like a fiddle and took all the [dominance] I could get.

Beside there being a neurological difference in people, there are character differences. Society, in general, is becoming less neurotic and more character disordered. Genuine Christians can be neurotic, but they can’t be character disordered. Non-Christians can be either one.

Not everyone who is character disordered necessarily gets worse over time. Most do. Some remain the same. Some even become less character disordered as they age. My neurotypical husband is one of the later. When he married me, he married a classic neurotic Aspie. Romance and courtship was not part of the equation for my experience with him. Instead, it was non-stop tribulation.

In hindsight, I now see I married my husband because of my vulnerabilities. His powerful demeanor attracted me. I had never allowed anyone to abuse me the way he did. The turning point came (after 9 years of marriage) when I was corned and he wanted to kill me. I sincerely told him he would be doing me a favor. That action caused his true self to come to light. He made a threat and didn’t follow through on it. It exposed him for who he really was. He never wanted me to know him. He still doesn’t. But, being that we’ve been married now for 24 years, he doesn’t need to say any words for me to know him. I know him by his actions. Now his actions subtly reveal appreciation for my loyalty, meekness, forgiveness, honesty, and love. Proof of his character disorder fading away comes from the fact he now has shame for how he has been. He needed (as we all do) humility and love. I don’t know if it is my commitment to marriage till death do us part or God’s love which softened his heart. What little warm affection I had towards my husband rapidly diminished. He wasn’t a loveable guy. I know I’m not a lovable person in God’s eyes. I know no one is. If we were, we wouldn’t need Christ’s sacrifice of love for us. As Martin Luther, the Protestant Reformer, wisely said, “It is not imitation which makes us sons of God, rather the divine image within which enables us to imitate.”

All of life is a test of our character. I think of myself as being a retired fiddle. I didn’t want to be a fiddle in the hands of manipulators. I was that way because I am childlike. I’ve been, and always will be, harmless as a dove, as Jesus tells us to be in Matthew 10:16. It is because he also says in that verse we are to be wise as serpents, I know that I can be as wise as one. Sheep will be neurotic among wolves. The people who prey upon innocent others are character disordered.

Romans 8:28 says, “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” The experience I’ve gained from being at the receiving end of mind games throughout most of my life has been only one aspect needed for learning how Aspergers people stop being manipulated and bullied. That alone is not enough. Insightful reading material is great. But that too isn’t enough. Without faith in God’s word, I don’t know how I’d gain victory over this horrible way of having to life in this life.

I will always be a Christian and an Aspie. I will never be able to think like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is not in my nature or my neurological construct. This does not mean I’m defective. When God created mankind, He knew what He was doing. We all are given what we need; no more, no less. I don’t need to disorder my character to be aware of how and when someone is trying to play me like a fiddle. There is a gift called, “spiritual discernment.” It is aroused instantly every time someone is trying to play a mind game. It is what enables me to be wise as serpents without being one myself.

As I’ve become wiser, I have gained the respect of my husband. He taught me how to stop being spineless. He will be the first to admit I have to speak and/or behave in a “turn over tables” manner in order for some people to hear me. Even though they may get my message, it’s not going to make them feel shame. For a shameless person to change, it takes a miracle. With God all things are possible, but only if it is His will.

In the classic book Holiness, J.C. Ryle said,

Let us feel convinced, whatever others may say, that holiness is happiness and that the man who gets through life most comfortably is the sanctified man. No doubt there are some true Christians who from ill health, or family trials, or other secret causes, enjoy little sensible comfort and go mourning all their days on the way to heaven. But these are exceptional cases.

The Bible says, “There is no peace unto the wicked.” Most of the time, wicked people act nice. They pretend to care. My inability to comprehend this has been the greatest factor for me to overcome on my journey to freedom from the mind games played on me.

Of course it’s ideal to simply have as little to do with people who display themselves as being character disordered. However, even if you can’t always be physically apart from them, it is possible to change how you are when you have to have them around. But you can’t do that unless you become an expert at detecting when and how they are bullying you. It is especially important to do when the disrespectful behavior is subtle!

Con artists (i.e., manipulators) have no lack of empathy. They know how to craftily play empathy to their advantage. Their confidence in this skill is what may give them the power to dominate and control. However, they can only have as much of this as you allow them to have. The more you can see through their act, the more power you have to resist participating in their ploy to take advantage of you in order to boost their self-esteem.

Develop your own set of tools for seeing through their act. Customize statements to throw out into a conversation which will help you to see what kind of reactions they provoke. If someone has something against you personally, she is going to say things to you she would never say to her friend. Also, pay attention to how things are said and what isn’t said.

Character disordered people do not treat you the same way they would want you to treat them. Most of all, they will do anything they can to prevent you from gaining status with them and others. The last thing they want to see is you improving (i.e., becoming stronger, wiser, healthier, etc.). Even if things in your life are not going well, that doesn’t mean you need to be miserable.

Habakkuk 3:17-19,

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.

As I learn more about the way minds of neurotypicals and neuro-A-typicals are said to differ, I find increasingly conflicting information. That should not happen if theories are accurate.

Some experts theorize:

1. Neurotypicals are able to multi-task. Neuro-A-typicals mono-task.

2. NATs (neuro-A-typicals) have Weak Central Coherence compared to NTs (neurotypicals).

3. NTs have executive functioning abilities, whereas with NATs it’s dysfunctional.

Are experts, like Temple Grandin, Olga Bogdashina, Uta Frith, and Daniel Simons, not getting some information proper or are they poorly explaining it?

If NATs cannot multi-task, then how can Temple Grandin claim in her book (on pages 24-25), “Animals in Translation” she is able to notice the lady in the gorilla suit in the original selective attention task video? If it’s true NATs cannot multi-task, the only way she can see the “invisible” gorilla would be if she is not counting the basketball passes. But then, if she isn’t counting, her ability to notice the gorilla isn’t unusual. Anyone who isn’t paying attention to the number of times the ball is being passed is going to see the gorilla.

If NTs are able to multi-task, then how do tests, as those in National Geographic’s episode on “Brain Games,” consistently reveal opposite results? How many people think they can drive a car while talking on a mobile phone? Just because we can drive a car doesn’t mean that our brain is capable of handling a conversation [with another person who is not in the car] while simultaneously being able to make an instant decision on a sudden unexpected event.

If NTs do not have Weak Central Coherence, then why would such a brain substitute unnoticed details with imagined ones developed from what the mind expects (and/or wants) to be there? “Central coherence” is the ability to derive overall meaning from a mass of details.¹ What kind of meaning is meant? If it doesn’t matter how reliable it is, then wouldn’t it be weak? A strong central coherence would be dependable (consistently trustworthy).

If NTs do not have Weak Central Coherence, then why do oncoming motorcyclists get hit by NT drivers making left turns if their brains are capable of deriving overall meaning from a mass of details? Could it be that the mass of details contains some erroneous information caused by filtering out ‘irrelevant’ data? If a brain automatically fills in the gaps of unperceived stimuli, how can it simultaneously decide what is irrelevant?

Is Weak Central Coherence why the illusion of attention (inattentional blindness), the illusion of memory, and change blindness blindness (being blind to seeing change blindness) exist?² Inaccurately remembering what actually happened is an illusion caused by the need to make sense out of what happened. The brain is typically geared to filter out ‘irrelevant’ data while paying attention to what grabs our interest. Can the Aspie television character Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory have an eidetic memory and weak central coherence? Or is it more accurate to say that central coherence isn’t always instant (although it is possible sometimes)? Is that why NATs may exhibit delayed responses to stimuli?

Do NATs have more to cognitively process because of perceiving situations holistically which then makes them less prone to jumping to conclusions? If that’s the case, then shouldn’t NTs be paying more attention to what NATs have to contribute in the field of mental health, especially with studies requiring observation and analysis? Olga Bagdashina describes gestalt perception as simultaneously perceiving everything as a whole, but not simultaneously processing the holistic situation.³ She says people on the autism spectrum have gestalt perception and that NTs do not. Without gestalt perception, there is less to process and more to infer.

Do NATs exhibit delayed responses to stimuli because of having more non-imagined information to process due to experiencing situations ‘holistically’? Do NATs tend to ask annoying “why” questions more often than NTs generally do because their minds sponge up explicit details? Is that why the general population wants to think of reasons on their own; making unjustified leaps from correlation to causation (coincidence), thereby suffering illusions of cause? …because their minds ‘filter out’ holistic perceptions?

Is that why on pages 165-167 of “The Invisible Gorilla,” we can be told people typically prefer to make inferences rather than having things stated explicitly? To me, it makes more sense to prefer having things stated explicitly rather than making inferences. To prefer otherwise means a person would rather not have things stated clearly and in detail, even though it would leave room for confusion or doubt. Do people who want to think of reasons on their own do so because it’s how their minds are wired, as in filling in the gaps of filtered out unperceived stimuli automatically deemed irrelevant?

Are NTs always qualified to know what, how, or when NATs should be executing functions in the same manner they do? Do NTs suffer from the illusion of knowledge? …implicitly believing they understand things at a deeper level than they really do? Do they want to believe they have mental capacities which exceed the reality of what they do have?

People under the illusion of knowledge fall prey to the illusion of confidence. That’s how ignorant people end up hiring ignorant people instead of qualified candidates. As the saying goes, it takes one to know one… except in the case of ignorant people. An ignorant person doesn’t know enough to recognize ignorance. For that individual, another ignorant person most likely will be mistakenly perceived as knowledgeable and confidence will probably be blindly interpreted as competence. Just like no one is better at finding a wrongdoer than another wrongdoer, so too no one is better at finding an excellent *____* than another excellent *____*.

The best hunters think like their prey. To best fix a leak, think like a water drop. To best decide whether or not executive functioning is functional or dysfunctional, think like those who function differently from yourself. If you can’t, then don’t be subjective when creating labels. What’s subjective? Using words like disabled or weak. Objective terminology would employ terms like differently enabled or alternative central coherence or unique executive functioning.

If you can’t grasp the point I’m trying to make, can that be confirming what I’m saying all the more? If you do comprehend it, nothing more needs to be said.

¹Weak Central Coherence Theory of autism is a term Uta Frith came up with in 1989.

²These, along with other illusions, are mentioned in “the invisible gorilla” by Chabris and Simons. These phenomena are also brought to attention in National Geographic’s “Brain Games” video.

³Olga Bogdashina sheds doubt on Uta Frith’s central coherence theory in her 3-page article Fragmented World of Autism: Perception in ‘Bits’.

I feel the same way as Tina Schadenfreude Buggs (parent of a young Aspie son) states in her comment of Parenthood, “I’m tired of them viewing his Asperger’s in a negative way.” The episode “Missing” (originally aired on 11.29.11) gave another negative portrayal of Aspergers. Max ran away because he was mad. At this section of the series, he is scripted to act as a 9-year-old.

Adults act like children when they get mad. When situations permit, they will ‘run away’ differently. A spouse may ‘run away’ from ‘home’ by acquiring a job.¹ For example, a wife/mother may become fed up with her husband’s ‘inconsiderate’ behavior, excuse herself from being tabled with a ‘housewife’ position she no longer feels like fulfilling, and use the status of being a paid employee to escape. Divorce is another form of running away. Denial of wrongdoing is another. Giving the appearance of being too ‘busy’ to socialize is ‘running away’ from an honest conversation that may expose realities preferred to be kept hidden. For example, how often will someone admit to nurturing unattractive characteristics such as jealously, greediness, envy, deception, etc.?

Manipulative mind/social games (with their spoken and unspoken ‘rules’) are too common among neurotypicals for them to always be aware of how the Aspie mind functions in contrast. Shows like Parenthood are biasing the way Aspies get perceived. Who likes getting wrongly portrayed as being ‘rigid’ and ‘non-compliant’?

My NT husband said one must ask, “Are you sure?” when asking someone if they mind something being done. I told him that’s a game. There is no reason for a person to not be immediately honest when asked a question. He agreed with me, after I explained how being straightforward is logical and being expected to ask again is illogical.

A propagated message about Aspergers in Parenthood’s episode “Missing” is, “Don’t expect Max to apologize. He can’t help behaving badly. He is incapable of empathy. He is not able to understand what he is doing. He is autistic.” Hattie (Max’s sister) was on the right track to want a conversation about Max disappearing, but her timing, tone of voice, and destructively incorrect statements kept those doors shut. The parents were also wrong when they coddled Max after he came out of the police car that brought him home.

Hattie’s timing was off. Most know how much more successful it is to wait until after a person has had time to ‘unwind’ before bombarding a stressed out person with more stress.

Hattie’s tone of expression was wrong. It’s generally known how wise it is to approach situations by creating a positive feeling first. Sales people do it. It makes no difference what one’s neurological structure is. NTs and A-typicals are both capable of empathy. It’s the different thinking that needs to be acknowledged and understood. Understanding what’s unfamiliar requires willingness, effort, patience, perseverance, and time. Even then, total comprehension will not be achieved… but, the more, the better.

Hattie’s statements were inaccurate and negatively offensive. She asked Max, “Do you care?” Immediately afterwards she said, “No. You don’t care, because you never care. Max, you have to think about other people. You only think about yourself. Why do you not think about anybody but yourself? It’s so hard. It’s not fair!”

For starters, Hattie is mind blind to seeing what reason Max may feel he was treated unfairly. Max’s statement, “I didn’t get to go to the museum today,” meant nothing to Hattie. What Hattie and her parents lack Theory of Mind to comprehend is, if the shoe was on the other foot, Max would follow through on what he would agree to doing. Max felt his family cared more about what they were thinking of for themselves than what was important to him. More important than going to the museum was going to the museum at the time agreed upon with those who made the agreement with him. He ran away because he was offended and angry. He believed no one cared enough about him for him to care enough about what they thought.

The other day, a hired contractor (no, it wasn’t my husband) suddenly left a job he was doing because he got offended and angry at the person he was doing work for. He left without saying more than “F” you. The bewildered homeowner failed to see what he did to cause that unexpected event. That example includes two grown men, so of course the only consequential concerns would be business related.

When it comes to personal worrying, children don’t know what it is like to be a parent. They can be told, but that’s not the same as experiencing parenthood personally. Most people judge others harshly in situations where the other person has no clue what it is like to be in their shoes. It is human nature to expect other people to know by being told without the benefit of personally experiencing it. Too often, parents trust the care of their children to non-parents in professions such as psychology, teaching, baby-sitting, etc., too much.

If Max only thought about himself, he wouldn’t concern himself over the care of his pet lizard. Max has more control over more things than others in his family realize. Aspergers is as disabling as neurotypicalism. If Max asked his family, “Do you understand what happened today?” it is doubtful they’d be able to comprehend his logic. A 9-year-old hasn’t lived long enough to experience the world as much as an elderly person has.

Today’s society needs too see how wrong (i.e., sinful) it is to not keep our word. The Bible tells us how important it is to honor every word we speak. God always keeps His word. Jesus never failed to keep His word. If He did, He could have avoided crucifixion. Instead of abiding to His convictions, He could have rationalized an excuse for Himself. How would you like to give your life to serve a God who goes back on His word and makes excuses for doing so? Being Godly means keeping our word even in the face of death.

Genuinely, mostly everything and everyone is becoming a façade. Why is that? Could it be that most people don’t care?

¹It is different if you’re financially forced to work.

As she said, here specifically is what she has available,

• The truth is that the only thing I am good at when it comes to dealing with Asperger’s, is controlling my environment and getting help when I can’t. For example, there was tons of stupid stuff in this post that my blog editor cut.
• When I have an email to answer that I think is complicated in the social rules department, I will forward it to a friend to ask if my answer is going to be okay.
• I have a small group of friends that will edit me. I know which one will edit which thing, and when is a good time to reach them without bugging them.
• When I want to throw a fit at work, I have a board member whose major job on the board is to keep me at bay. And I love him for helping me.

I have only one neurotypical friend (a Christian) I could turn to for social advice. His answer always is, “Pray about it.” I do pray, but I need details; the kind Penelope gets.

In her words, her advice to Aspies for becoming successful is,

• If I could give one piece of advice to everyone with Aspergers it would be to surround yourself with people who will help you and then trust them; do what they say.
• And parents, if you have a kid with Asperger’s teach them to ask for help. Posing the question is so difficult. It’s so much easier to spew information than ask for information.
• And for all of you who do not have Aspergers, I think there is a lesson here as well: We each have a deficit that could hold us back. Get help for it, on a regular basis. No one can get through life as a lone ranger.

When people surround me, they do so as a deceptive pack of wolves in sheep’s clothing attacking vulnerable prey. This would still happen if I allowed it. That’s why I go through life as a lone ranger and most likely will never be successful, at least the way the world defines success.

Success is getting recognition for your achievements. Constructive attention is encouraging. Who wouldn’t glow over being thought important enough to gain mention in a newspaper, magazine, or book? Politicians and movie stars thrive on it. Some people want attention so much that if they can’t be famous, they’ll strive for being infamous. Then there are others who don’t stay satisfied unless their accomplishments are constantly recognized.

A few days ago, I listened to a Christian talking on the radio about the need people have to feel important in their own special way. He said loving others means encouraging them in what they do. I grew up with nothing but discouragement from everyone around (family included). I remember a school guidance counselor telling me, “Forget college. You’re not college material.” Thankfully, I’ve finally become wise enough to not allow others to rob me of what little encouragement I can give to myself on the rare occasions I do feel successful.

Being that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’m writing about this topic, it would be appropriate for me to provide this example of one of the most recent things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful for being successful at significantly decreasing my CPU throttling. I have a shared server account with Bluehost (same owner of Hostmonster).² When clicking to view the CPU Throttling log, the limiting factor chart loads. The most noticeable message says (in red text in a pink box), “Warning. During the past 24 hours your account has been throttled for a total of x# seconds.” The information Bluehost offers in their help section to explain about this eliminates the most important aspect to know! They don’t tell you what the total number of seconds should reach before becoming concerned about the data reflected in their chart! Their support staff doesn’t mention it either!

Finding out that information was ridiculously difficult! After endless hours of reading when searching the internet, I finally found this:

Here is one fact about CPU Throttling (CPU limiting factors). You don’t need to upgrade your account to High CPU Server as long as you don’t experience CPU Throttling of more than 10,000 seconds in past 24 hours. And if you are just under 10,000 seconds, consider optimizing your databases and slow MySQL queries as mentioned above. If your CPU Throttling time is not more than 500 seconds in any hour then there is nothing to worry about as this is just the fraction of an hour.

Unless someone has experienced the challenge of hosting WordPress on a low cost shared low-resource server like Bluehost and Hostmonster, he has no clue how difficult it can get. The hardest part is figuring out the ideal combination of plugins for one’s chosen theme to accomplish the multiple goals a blogger like me has.

What I’ve been through to learn all the technical information I have in the past few weeks and months is enough to compose a book. If I summarized what I’ve succeeded to do and revealed how much time and effort went into each accomplishment, I’d be judged as being a lunatic. That would happen because no one can understand why what’s important to me is so. If no reason existed for the immense value I place upon what I do, I wouldn’t be doing it.

Just because others can’t fathom what motivates me to go to the extremes I do, for what may appear irrational to them, does not give them the authority to claim I’m wasting my time.

I am a lone ranger who will always be judged by others as being unsuccessful. That’s ironic considering all I’ve done in my life. If I’m to keep getting through life, I must be my own support group. I’ve belonged to a variety of support groups. Generally speaking, that’s where I receive the least amount of support and the most criticism. I’ve finally figured out why that is. It’s because people are too quick to make assumptions, along with my being an enigma.

The way “unsuccessful” people should deal with Aspergers is by not allowing others to define what success is. Success may come from achievements others will never know, care, or understand. I am perceived by others as being unsuccessful. No one besides me (and God) will ever know what I have accomplished. That has to be good enough.

My favorite description of what success is comes from Phil A. Smouse’s [more or less] A Book of Success: If your life’s in God’s hands, you are a success!

¹Penelope Trunk said,

I grew up as a rich Jewish kid just north of Chicago.

Being raised in an affluent society provided by family offers benefits not available to less fortunate Aspergers individuals.

²Footnote added after Thanksgiving — Two days after publishing this, I closed my account with Bluehost after opening one with Hostgator. As much as I’m highly thankful for switching to Hostgator, I don’t count my time a total waste trying to do the impossible with Bluehost’s CPU setup to cram in more accounts than what their hardware is capable of handling. The experience furthered my education in technology. Even better, it increased my confidence in my knowledge of how other people think and behave differently and how to deal with it.

Three weeks after publishing this, I posted Being of Value is Success. I did it to clarify my definition of success and to point out that executive functioning by association is how I achieve success.

P.S. — Charlie Brown is a portrait of Charles M. Schultz’s real life character. Both are Aspies.

This kind of irrational thinking (i.e., this pastor’s Asperger myth) makes me look like I deserve being kept at a distance; that it’s my fault for not believing I’m “normal.” The only thing that can change this fallacy in such a NT mind is allowing enough time for becoming personally acquainted. How can that happen when almost everyone sticks to what they’ve made up their mind to believe?! Their presumption causes them to be deceived. Unfortunately, too many others then follow their lead and perpetuate this twist.

The reality is Aspergers exists. It is permanent. It is not a disease, illness, or sin. It is a culture of people born with an Aspergian mind. It deserves equal respect. When this lack of respect occurs in a church, it prevents others from allowing me to reveal my love to them. How can an Aspie contribute to the well being of others when these others keep Aspies at a distance? A church will not have any problem with accepting money from me, but when it comes to accepting me enough to allow me to befriend a member of the congregation, that’s where the boundary is.

I don’t judge Christians who do attend church. I can understand its purpose. God knows my heart and personal experience. Only He is in the position to judge me. This prejudice against Aspies I go through in churches (and in life) has trained me to stop feeling like I’m worthless. It was either that or become suicidal (which I wasted enough time being in the past). I’ve also learned not to judge my sense of worth/purpose by responses (or lack of) online to the ministering of the Gospel I contribute by sharing my faith.

It took me a long time to learn God doesn’t want me looking inward for any other reason than to examine my faith to be sure it is true. Even though it is not apparent what my talents (i.e., special purposes) are, it doesn’t mean that God has no use for me. It appears it isn’t His plan for me to know what He is doing through me. If I did know, I wouldn’t doubt it would tempt pride (self-glory) to puff up. That’s an example of having the wrong kind of knowledge.

Another example of knowledge gone awry is when Christians judge someone like me for choosing to assemble with other believers without going to church. The early church assembled in public and private places. Whatever worked to serve the cause of spreading the Gospel, increase spiritual maturity/faith and Biblical understanding, meet the needs of others, encourage/support believers, etc. was what the Apostles taught.

A Christian’s heart belongs being devoted to being helpful, kind, and doing good. By avoiding places that are sources of hurt, I also avoid the temptation to feel bitter. This enables me to do better at loving others. I’m thankful that the pastor who twisted Aspergers was honest about his belief. I appreciate that. It enables me to make better choices. It reminded me of why I stopped going to church, after regularly attending a variety of them for two decades. I guess this past church-free decade provided enough time for me to forget those disappointments.

I got just enough of a reminder on that Sunday of June 26th, 2011, when I had my phone conversation with this pastor mentioned in this post, to be cautious about when and where I go visit other Christians. I have invited Christians to visit me. I respect their choice to not do so. It leaves me with more time to do other things God has planned for my life.

The statement Tony Atwood makes on pages 308 and 309 of his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome,

…the partner of a man or woman with Asperger’s syndrome is more likely to be concerned about the lack of sexual desire rather than an excess. The partner with Asperger’s syndrome may become asexual once he or she has children or once the couple have formally committed themselves to the relationship.

is correct, except for the part about “becoming” asexual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation belonging to individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. Celibacy is a choice. Asexuality is not.

If, or when, an asexual engages in sex, the motive will not be the same as for someone who does have sexual desires. Generally speaking, asexuality is more common among Aspies than neurotypicals. However, this doesn’t mean most Aspies are probably asexual.

Studies suggest that around one percent of the population is asexual. This topic is fairly new, so there is a good chance this percentage is incorrect. The number is probably much higher. The percent of female Aspies in existence is most likely also reported inaccurately low.

On his blog, Life With Aspergers, Gavin covers the sensory issues associated with touch. He has spoken to a number of Aspies who find light touching, fingertips, etc., to be irritating. He is that way himself. Almost always, so am I. Gavin also states, “…many Aspies who have no problems with tight hugs, etc., will tend to pull away if they are patted or stroked. Often itching or rubbing the place where they have been touched. This will frequently send the wrong message to their loved ones.”

I can relate to this comment submitted on March 18, 2011 4:26 PM to Gavin’s post Aspies and Sexuality by Anonymous,

In my case, Tony Attwood got it exactly right. I have Aspergers and consider myself to be asexual. I did however, as Attwood describes, attempt sexual interest only insofar as to gain a partner. Once the deal was sealed so to speak, I went right back to my asexual ways. And while I never desired sex, I realized logically that it was necessary if I wanted to continue the relationship I was in. It is hard enough to find a man when you have Asperger’s, it is entirely another thing to find a man who is also okay with not having sex. So I had sex until I realized we were in it for the long haul, then I stopped (or at least greatly decreased…If I stopped completely I would probably be back on Square 1).

Penelope Trunk says she is an Aspie female. Her post What it’s like to have sex with someone with Asperger’s doesn’t cover the topic of asexuality, but it does provide her personal sexual experience. AVEN – The Asexual Visibility and Education Network provides a wealth of information about asexuality.

Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) believes Sheldon “couldn’t display more traits” of Asperger’s. I find that impressive for a neurotypical to realize. Aspies already know this about Sheldon.

Carnal Aspies lust to be validated for their gifts/talents. Titles and appropriate financial income are their ticket to Freedomville, PE (planet earth). Getting that ticket requires unceasing motivation; plus, secular character development along the way.

There are many successful (in the eyes of the world) irreligious mentors to choose from. The Big Bang Theory show provides an easy access classroom. Sheldon Cooper is an ideal professor for ungodly Aspie students.

Sheldon’s enchanting Aspie characteristics:

• happy spirit; childlike playfulness; self-entertaining
• independent (except when sick); self-assured
• bully-proof; doesn’t allow others to define him
• isn’t a doormat; stands behind himself and what he believes
• makes up his own mind rather than joining sheeple
• pleasantly curious; in love with learning
• has a life and knows how to live it; has his own style and knows how to enjoy it
• not concerned about keeping up with fads; he creates his own
• logical; advanced intelligence
• eidetic memory; advanced education
• trains himself to recognize sarcasm
• not ashamed of admitting his particularly eccentric interests
• enjoys music; plays an instrument (piano and theremin)
• cares about others (happy to lend money without pressure; is thankful when others care about him; puts thought into gift giving)
• loves his mother and grandmother (whom he calls “Me-maw”)
• has close good friends
• refuses all drugs, including alcohol and caffeine (for good reason – a small amount of coffee made him extremely hyperactive in one instance, but unproductive in another)

(below are matters of opinion and perspective – some claim excessive; Sheldon adheres to his own standards to be content):

• good hygiene; takes responsibility for the care of his body (including staying informed about medical knowledge)
• safety conscious; unlikely someone has to rescue him, since he is prudent
• neat, clean, and organized (thoughts, clothes, apartment, office, etc.)
• on time; doesn’t keep others waiting
• keeps his word; honest; lacks talent for lying and being deceptive; trustworthy
• capable and willing to contribute valuable knowledge to benefit the world (senior physicist)
• never will sexually harass anyone; nor take sexual advantage of another (asexual)

His neutral characteristics (his choice) – should be respected:

• doesn’t try to impress women (aromantic)
• not entirely sure how to hug someone; avoids human contact whenever possible
• expert lock picker and at disarming alarm systems
• strict adherence to routine

He’s fond of:

• trains, comic books, costumes, paintball, roleplaying games, video games, customizable card games, action figures, fantasy, science fiction, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Stargate, Halo, Star Wars, Firefly, Star Trek, vintage T-shirts adorned with superhero logos

He’s an avid fan of:

• Mr. Spock of Star Trek (another ‘logic’ brain), The Green Lantern, Batman, The Flash, Superman, Aquaman

An inventive quality about Sheldon:

• He also keeps a record of what he considers faux pas ‘strikes’, which he allocates to those who violate his self-imposed conditions. Upon receiving three strikes, Sheldon gives them the choice of either apologizing or taking a ‘class’. For many of the characteristics aforementioned, Sheldon’s friends often consider him ‘insane’ or ‘crazy’ despite Sheldon’s repetition of another catchphrase “I’m not insane (or crazy)! My mother had me tested.”

Must-Geek TV
An Emmy for the first sitcom character with Asperger’s: The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper.
By Paul Collins – Monday, Aug. 30, 2010

While characters like Mr. Spock and Data hold a certain honorary status in the Asperger’s community, Sheldon is different: He’s a human puzzling over the fascinating life-forms of Pasadena. And with Big Bang now shown everywhere from Iceland to the Philippines, he’s poised to become a pop-culture emblem of the Aspie. That might not be such a bad thing. As exasperating as he can be, Sheldon’s remarkably well-adapted to his world. Beneath the sitcom pratfalls, The Big Bang Theory is a meditation on how bright people work with the absurdly mismatched abilities that they’ve been given. For a comedy, that’s an inspired—even noble—premise to work from.

A.V. Club
Interview with Jim Parsons
By Noel Murray – May 1, 2009

Jim Parsons: And like I say, I think a lot of this really intellectual work that somebody like Sheldon does, the way his brain works, it’s so focused on the intellectual topics at hand that thinking he’s autistic is an easy leap for people watching the show to make. The way Sheldon goes “Huh?” to a social and emotional situation because he’s so focused on what he’s doing. His brain is so wrapped up in it.

Noel Murray: Have you known anyone in your life that was Sheldon-like?

Jim Parsons: There was one peer of mine in elementary school. We continued to go to school, I believe, all the way through high school. We weren’t in the same friend group or whatever, but he was in a class of mine in second or third grade, I can’t remember. He was a genius, there was no denying that. It was different than Sheldon, maybe because he was younger, but he for sure acted out in ways like eating paper or eating bark off of trees or whatever. It was just more of an outlandishness, which if I had to do more of my armchair psychology, was like him acting out because he didn’t fit in. He didn’t belong, and that obviously wasn’t okay with him.

But this is where Sheldon differs. Sheldon, for the most part, as far as we know from what’s been written so far, is okay with it. He actually is, in a lot of ways, quite pleased with himself. He enjoys the life he leads, and is very comfortable with himself. I do think, though—and there’s been things in the scripts hinting at this—that he had to travel a while to find that place. I like to think that this boy I knew was probably the same and found his own peace eventually. “I’m different, but I’m good different. It’s not a bad thing that I’m different. My brain just works differently, and I understand things in a different way than most people do.” Like I say, Sheldon has talked of “swirlies” and such things in his past. There’s been mention of the terror of going to children’s birthday parties with bouncy castles and clowns, where he was uncomfortable and things made no sense. And maybe he still harbors some of those feelings for a small outburst every now and then, when he’s pressed into an uncomfortable situation. But for the most part it doesn’t bother Sheldon that he doesn’t fit in. It’s more of a curiosity now. A mystery to be solved.

Solving mysteries is fun, if you’re the curious type. If you’re not a Sheldon-type human puzzling over the fascinating life-forms of your Pasadena, your Pasadena will be defining what form your life should take.

I used to not be okay with belonging. I generally don’t fit among Aspies because of my Christian faith. I haven’t found a church yet where I’m accepted the same way most other believers are. I traveled a long time to find that place of contentment I now reside at. I had to. It was either that or escape life in some form.

I’ve learned to appreciate my life in a different way than people who are more socially popular than me. God made this possible. He can do the same for any Christian Aspie. It is not God’s will for any Christian (neurotypical or not) to remain discontent with his or her life. It is not a sin to be discontent. It is a sin to not do anything about it.

¹It is infinitely better to be a content Christian Aspie. Haughty characters like Sheldon Cooper are not Christian. Sheldon Coopers reek with pride. Pride is esteem in self for the things this world values. This world does not value Christian characteristics. Instead it values things of no intrinsic value; e.g.: good looks, wealth, external accomplishments, learning, rank, title, status, etc.

Those who think of themselves as they ought are modest, sober, and prudent. There is no way to maintain a wise and proper conduct other than to form a humble and modest estimate of our own character in accordance with the measure of faith given by God. Without that faith, it’s impossible to be content independent of the things of this world.