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Communicating with NTs makes me leery.

  • Posted on July 26, 2010

If I’m contemplating ways to communicate with a neurotypical (other than my daughter or husband), I can’t help but feel leery. It’s awful, especially if there might be a chance to maybe communicate with an old acquaintance or relative. In such situations, I feel like a rabbit that’s trapped in a dark corner that doesn’t know if it should run or if it’s okay to stay.

The dark¹ corner feeling comes from hitting my best level at small talk. If I dig at the conversation to bring it deeper, then sooner or later it seems I’m buried under dirt. This isn’t what usually happens when  I’m communicating with another Aspie. I’ve observed enough Aspie-to-Aspie conversations to see that there is a huge difference between Aspies relating versus NTs. For me (and most other Aspies), there is no guess work involved in understanding what’s being communicated by either party when only Aspies are involved.

From what I’ve seen about how NTs handle communicating with me, they’re either assertive or avoidant. Compared to those two opposites, I’m somewhere in the middle — except for online (which typically is Aspie turf anyhow) and/or snail mail — too often too much like Charlie Brown, as displayed in this conversation done in a strip back on December 31, 1965:

Charlie Brown: Next year I’m going to be a changed person!
Lucy: That’s a laugh, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown: I mean it! I’m going to be strong and firm.
Lucy: Forget it. You’ll always be wishy-washy.
Charlie Brown: Why can’t I change just a little bit? I’ll be wishy one day and washy the next!

Charlie Brown is much like how I am. Charles Monroe Schulz (a classic Asperger individual) portrayed himself in his comic’s character, Charlie Brown. However, in some ways I have changed since childhood. In the comic strip, Charlie Brown never grew up. Oh how I’d love to continue the Peanuts comic strip where Schulz left off, depicting Charlie Brown through adolescence, young adulthood, middle-age, and then as a grandfather. It could still be funny overall, but (for it to be accurate) it would have to have some serious sections.

Take for example the Peanuts strip from January 21, 1968:

Lucy to Charlie Brown (at her psychiatric booth, explaining why people take advantage of him by talking too much:) It’s your own fault! You’re just too wishy-washy! People who talk too much² deserve to be insulted! They deserve to have other people walk away from them! Talking too much is an unforgivable social sin – absolutely unforgivable! The only way to deal with people who talk too much is to let them know just how boring they really are. You can’t waste your time with them, no, sir! Why should you sit and waste your valuable time while some bore talks on and on about nothing? Life is too short to waste it listening to some person who doesn’t know when to shut up! Time is too valuable! Time is…

How many times can a person endure having injustices done against him, especially when its twisted around to have him feeling like he is to blame? Charlie Brown’s worst ‘flaw’ is his repeatedly trusting others and longing to be accepted as the others are in the Peanuts gang.

gulliblefootball

Just because I learned how to be strong and firm sometimes (in order to protect myself), being leery is what causes wishy-washiness. Kids don’t mind ‘playing’ with someone as if he’s a toy without feelings. There are too many adults who haven’t matured past that stage. They’re just more experienced and able to be subtler than when they were younger.

Most adults, especially old acquaintances and/or relatives, hopefully want to work as hard as I do at finding a way to communicate that constructively works for everyone. Yesterday, I received a surprise phone call from someone back in high school. The last time I saw her was about 15 years ago. We talked for hours and we both seemed to enjoy it.³ I went through the same thing last year with a close relative I hadn’t spoke to for 15 years, except she surprisingly showed up at my house instead of calling. I have no idea if either of them are as confused as I now am.

I wasn’t given any contact information (like a phone number, email, or snail mail address) before yesterday’s phone conversation ended. I have to hope she merely forgot and maybe she will read this post and call me again. I also hope that maybe the relative who I saw last year for a couple of hours will read this post and contact me to help eliminate some of my (or our?) confusion. I can’t help but wonder if she hasn’t written to me for the same reason I haven’t written to her… that maybe she is as confused as I am?

I can’t shake the feeling that people might struggle over why I’m highly reluctant to use emails, especially when for them it’s much easier than putting a stamp on an addressed envelope once a season and having to wait longer for the gratification a response brings.

I thought having a contact page is a good compromise. I would receive the message and respond via snail mail and would be willing to send my skype name (only to those who I know very well). Skype provides many options for communicating, even sending an SMS (text message). After what I’ve been through with AOL’s programs, skype’s instant messaging is a relief. My mac handles the newest version of skype beautifully. However, if I were to install it on windows xp, I’d probably download the old version 3.8.0.188. Unfortunately, not everything that’s new is improved. (I do digress, no?)

My guess is that some people might have a hard time to understand why someone like me would never create a facebook account. It’s frustrating for me to know there are people I care about who have a facebook site, but facebook doesn’t allow a person access to it unless s/he  subjects her/himself to facebook’s insanity.

In the beginning of this past February, a woman contacted me who saw me periodically during my childhood. She acted excited to have found me and I thought we’d stay in touch, instead of sharing only a couple of emails. I hope that she too might read this post and let me know at least why I haven’t heard from her again.

Before that, another person from high school (no, not a boyfriend) said he had been trying to find me for 27 years. He wanted us to be friends and he called a few times to briefly chit chat. I thought we’d actually visit in person, especially since he was close by in the area. Again, I’m left perplexed as to what all that polite small talk was about when it led nowhere.

Even going as far back as 45 years, a neighbor from that long ago dropped in unexpectedly to visit me in 1983 (without any contact in all those years) for about 10 minutes. Then, that was it. I never heard from her again (even though I remembered her birthday and mailed her a card afterward).

I’ve either said enough to explain why communicating with NTs makes me leery or I’ve said too much. No matter what, the way I look at it is, “How can you lose something that you don’t have?”

If Charlie Brown had an identical twin sister, I’d be her. Good grief!

¹It’s dark because I can’t see where I’m going with my conversation in regard to what the NT is planning to do about it.
²This includes people who brazenly trespass against you and would do so repeatedly if given the chance. Its not the size of the offense as much as it is the wrong spirit.
³What isn’t enjoyable is how much my muscles ache from being so tense while talking. Even though nothing bad happened, it’s kind of like almost having an accident in the sense that you can’t help but automatically brace yourself in case there is a collision.

Logic or Lack of It

  • Posted on May 3, 2010

In 2008, Science Daily published research showing evidence that those on the autism spectrum use logic more than neurotypicals do. They did an experiment to see how NTs would respond to choices couched in emotional language versus how neuro-A-typicals would. The NTs all answered differently depending on how the question was phrased. Aspies consistently gave logical answers regardless of the phrasing.

~ In other words, NTs are influenced by whether or not a glass is said to be half empty or if it’s said to be half full, whereas non-NTs are not. ~

I suspect that emotive words aren’t the only things that can cause illogical thinking in NTs. Misreading behavior may be an even bigger contributing factor. It’s a catch-22 for NTs — projecting emotions into things causes subjective perceptions, but being able to be aware of doing it requires objective thought.

Here are some examples of what I find illogical:

You can have the same person, but as to how that person will be valued by most NTs will depend on how other NTs perceive him (or her); plus, how an individual perceives him (or her) self is another irrational factor.

My neighbor once told me that men are more attracted to a woman who already has a guy interested in her. I saw an example of that same concept with the guy Dorky David (Oz Perkins) in the film Legally Blonde.¹ It wasn’t until Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) acted emotionally involved with Dorky David that the girls David was trying to get a date with became interested in him.

I was recently told that people have less interest in hiring someone unemployed than someone who is busy working. Shortly before that, I was reminded by others of how the negative impact of being unemployed increases the longer you are without work.

The only explanation I see for why people act as they do (as mentioned above) is that they’re lacking the sufficient logic needed to see things more realistically (i.e., absolute; not relative). Someone who has spent more time being alone is more likely to appreciate another person. A person who has been out of employment longer is more likely to work harder than an individual who thinks too highly of himself (or herself).

Not all Aspies are equally equipped with logic and all NTs are as deficient in logic, but I suspect that the imbalance in levels of logic between individuals may be the largest factor behind most things involving the major issues of life.

It’s too bad society is dominated by illogical people. I don’t think there is a way for me to express my thoughts on this matter without personally offending some (hopefully not most). I need to remind myself that such things are not my problem.

¹You can view a clip from that part of the movie by clicking on “Dork Break’s Elle’s Heart” (the bottom video listed on the right) via the link to the movie’s site in this post.

Say what?

  • Posted on January 31, 2010

I got reminded of a cultural difference between NTs and Aspies. As much as I understand and know about figures of speech, it’s still something that requires a translation process. If I’m the one using a figure of speech, obviously I’m not going to misread what I’m thinking. But if I’m not expecting someone else to speak figuratively, I can still jump to the wrong conclusion.

I think I’m understanding how it happens thanks to a recent example today. I won’t mention who this involves (and I’ll even change the initials to protect their privacy), but if she read this, I hope she knows that she has nothing to apologize for. I thank her for progressing my learning experience and the reminder I needed to know that I’m still taking what others say literally without realizing I’m doing it.

Here is what she said to me in an email:

Oh, yes, D is in heaven, and I don’t begrudge him that! It’s high time he had a good friend, as D has so much to give and truly loves everyone. It’s nice to see that reciprocated. My heart just breaks for T nonetheless!

Here was my response:

Your statement, “Oh, yes, D is in heaven,…” had me in complete confusion for about 15-20 minutes. I went to your blog searching for news of his passing away. In the email you just sent me, I thought you were referring to Jesus as being D’s good friend. I thought I overcame taking things literal, but now I doubt it’s something that I’ll ever be able to stop doing.

I left a comment on her blog where she wrote a post about the effects of her high-functioning autistic son’s new found friendship. I’m assuming that because my last impression I had when I left her blog was of a serious nature, it kept me in that same frame of mind when I read her words, “…D is in heaven…” Adding to that image my own difficult experiences throughout my life in the area of friendships, caused my mind to think that the only possible good friend an Aspie can have to keep ongoing contact with over a substantial length of time is Jesus. Being that Jesus is in heaven, naturally I assumed that D’s mother was telling me that D died.

On rare occasions, I’ve enjoyed a few months of an occasional blissful friendship before realizing what flaws were demanding its extinction. My hopes were up too high when I thought the solution for me was to have an Aspie friend. It’s not that my Aspie ‘friends’ become enemies. The Aspie whom I feel most closely bonded to (like a soul mate/brother) has too much of a need to be in control to be able to handle inconsistent contact from me. It saddened me to feel his pain and I miss being in contact with him, but because I don’t want him to suffer from my sporadic and unpredictable ways of being in touch, I decided it was best for the both of us if I would leave him alone.

I still ‘visit’ with him by going to the places he is online, but I have stopped communicating with him many months ago. Just the other day, a particular recent photo of him immediately reminded me of how much our lives are spent in solitude and the deep ways we are so much alike.

I have a female Aspie friend I can visit about twice a year for a couple of hours at most. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a phone call just as often. Any received emails (once every couple of months?) say very little. So, by the time there is a reconnection, I struggle to know what to say.

For my own well-being, I need a friendship where I know that if I need to call that person, he or she will be there for me. It might sound hypocritical of me to be repulsed by always hearing an answering machine I must leave a message on and then wait days for a potential return call, especially since I rarely answer my phone. However, if I knew that I had a friend who would call me (like I’d call her or him), I’d be more than happy to answer my phone. If I have enough time to get to the phone as someone is leaving me a message (who I want to talk with and wants to talk with me), I will pick up the phone. It’s only fair that the other person reciprocates with the same courtesy.

I’d enjoy a good friendship just like most people would, but when challenges involved are so difficult, it’s not that hard to learn how to live contentedly in solitude. Some days are not as pleasant as others, but all-in-all, with Jesus as a friend, my eyes look up to heaven knowing that the time spent in this world is nothing compared to eternity with Him.

Timing and Honesty Count!

  • Posted on November 11, 2009

So much for my plans! I was about to dive into my new project I planned yesterday to improve my blog by redoing my tags. I knew the company hosting my site had not been confessing to me what they’ve been doing over the past few months that was affecting the speed at which my pages would load on my site. My choice was accept it or change to a different host. I was accepting the poor service fairly well¹ until I began working on my tags and got reminded of how frustrating the slowness is.

God said all things work for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose and that even includes my ‘mistakes’. I made a mistake which led me (by chance) to chatting with my friend at my hosting company. He confirmed my suspicions about the poor service being the company’s fault. However, he did give me good news. The slow speed issue is temporary and will be resolved by the end of this year.

What I don’t get from all this is why most people today foolishly refuse to be consistently honest and straightforward; plus, have no shame about lacking integrity?!?!

My web hosting company could have lost me as a long-time customer, if I wasn’t as patient as I am. If they would have told me before what my friend there told me this morning, I could respect that and work around the information.

I would have known for sure what was going on sooner or later. For me to find this out after I’ve unnecessarily wasted hours of time because of waiting for hundreds of pages to each load at a slow speed while editing their tags, would be upsetting to say the least! Now that I am no longer left in the dark and confidently know what’s going on, I can plan to resume editing tags next year. Then I will be doing it using time efficiently, since the pages will load a lot faster.

Why do businesses think it’s good for them to keep customers ignorant of what’s going on? It’s really not good when customers already have it figured out anyhow.

There is nothing shameful about saying, “We’ve been acquiring new accounts which consume more bandwidth than we planned for. Please be patient as we work to remedy this issue. It shall be resolved in two months.” Instead, what I got repeatedly told was, “Everything is fine at our end. It must be something with your internet connection.” I take the later as an insult and extremely rude!

Generally speaking, if Aspies ran a business, they wouldn’t play those kind of games with their customers. Aspies are more reliable because they are more straightforward than NTs. That’s a fact.

On the topic of deception, tech businesses aren’t the only ones — government schools employ and reward² these types too.

If you remember the teacher Wendy Portillo, you too may be interested in the video I stumbled across entitled Portillo Lied. It expresses what Alex Barton’s Mom had to say about Wendy’s arrogant, shameful, and totally unprofessional behavior.

¹For me to find out through experience how much better other hosting companies are didn’t seem worth it. This particular one I have is good in many other ways.

²The school district gave Wendy her tenure back. As I see it, the government is telling us, “Do as we say, not as we do.”

A Deeper Explanation

  • Posted on September 14, 2009

My urge for giving a deeper explanation stems from what I said in my It’s an odd form of self-protection… post a couple of weeks ago,

Today, I experienced the end to having a friend available to communicate with (as Forrest Gump would say, “again”). I didn’t know when it was going to happen, but since I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I also knew that if I didn’t long ago make God big in my life and people small, I’d probably be experiencing depression right now. No relationship can last when a high level of insecurity exists. Peer pressure, codependency, fear of rejection (i.e., insecurity) are the result when people are big and God is small.

In order for communications to be ongoing in a friendship, both parties must be alike in regard to their need for contact. If one can only thrive on a routine, while the other is stifled under such prolonged conditions, stress is bound to be the outcome for the one who no longer has his or her needs met.

The routinist can comfortably keep producing things to express, but that’s not the case for the non-routinist. Why is that? Most likely it’s because of differing priorities behind their urges to communicate.

Since a routinist thrives on unvarying contact, he will say anything in order to keep a scheduled pattern going. The non-routinist can always think of something to say too, but unless it is evident that her (or his) thoughts are of equal interest to the recipient, steady communication probably will not continue. In order for it to do so under such circumstances, the relationship needs to be codependent (i.e., contain unhealthy emotional dependencies).

If you wonder how an Aspie (such as myself) can be a non-routinist, especially since routines are a characteristic of Aspergers, you might not understand how much it changes things when an Aspie’s life has become one with God. Once someone becomes saved, s/he progressively minds the things of the Spirit and decreasingly minds the things of the flesh [Romans 8:5]. Generally speaking, without God, Aspies (and NTs) have the potential to be drawn to any other equally fallible human who will serve the role of therapist, psychologist, ‘wise’ man, or savior¹.

Here’s what I recently shared with another Aspie:

I now have a deeper understanding of what’s meant by ‘counsel’ in the first part of Psalm 1:1, “Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the ungodly [i.e., psychologists, therapists, etc.]…” because of paying more attention to what kind of counseling Godly people gave. The bible doesn’t have examples of the kind therapists/psychologists are paid to get involved in, because otherwise it would conflict with what God says in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Solutions for personal problems don’t come from talking about them with someone (other than God) who isn’t part of the problem. They come when an individual becomes saved, because that’s when God’s spirit can work within that person. Only after receiving a new born-again nature that frees someone’s will to DO the right things (with the right motive), can one possibly comprehend what God means in His word. Before that happens, His word will test our character to reveal whether or not we sincerely want to know the truth because understanding the bible is not for unsaved man to be able to do.²

Because of lacking objectivity, being ignorant, and also being the majority of the population, most neurotypicals erroneously conclude it is the Aspies who are the ones that lack empathy, have little ability to form friendships, and engage in one-sided conversations. All those statements are wrongly restricted to Asperger traits, because they all can equally be characteristics most neurotypicals exhibit towards Aspies.

For example, I recently noticed some interesting things while engaging in a lengthy conversation with an unsaved neurotypical neighbor. I know I was consistently expressing empathy towards her feelings and showing interest in her conversation, BUT it became increasingly evident that this was not what I was equally receiving in return. Neutral observers have confirmed this to me.

Now that I’ve had enough conversations with this particular NT to realize she has no desire to ever practice what’s said in Philippians 4:8, because she prefers to wallow in her self-pity, I also know that she will not comprehend why it’s best (for the both of us) I keep my distance from her. The reason I know this so well is because I recognized my old nature (before salvation) in her pattern of conversation. I’m not saying I’m better than her and now am perfect. I’m saying I feel sad that I can’t do anything to give her the same joy and peace I now have.

I feel grieved every time I encounter a person who does not sincerely desire to hear what good things God says in His word and what’s possible with Him. What is uplifting though is knowing that as long as this world continues, there still are others in it who long for the truth that will set them free and will not quit searching until they find it. For those of you who might be one of them, I pray that you find my blog to be an encouragement to keep going on the right path. Godly men and women have given me that same hope by sharing their life experiences.

We will either profit from our afflictions or be cursed by them. Sadly, sometimes loving another person means having to let them go… even if it is down the wrong path.

¹Only Jesus Christ is able to save us from our slavery to the corrupted nature we’re all conceived in.

²Understanding the bible comes AFTER salvation. We don’t have to wait until we understand what God is saying before He can save us. We have to trust Him and be where He speaks best to us (by repeated exposure to Him in the Holy Bible). When it comes to salvation, that means pleading with Him for it and then waiting. God does not wait for us. We wait for Him.

Confront This

  • Posted on July 17, 2009

Question: Why do Asperger adults avoid confrontation?

Answer: Usually it’s because it can create a bottomless pit of explanations needed which most likely might not be comprehended by neurotypicals anyhow.

For example, can this reason for writer’s block be comprehended?

The Aftershock

  • Posted on June 12, 2009

Will it be as Omori said in 1894, that the aftershock frequency decreases by roughly the reciprocal of time after the main shock?

I attended an unconventional convention last night and survived! Actually it consisted of about a dozen people, myself included. Maybe to NTs that might not be anything earth quaking, but to me, after how my core has been shook in the past, it’s stressful to say the least.

It was the first time in my life when I knew that there would be some who really wanted to hear what I might have to say. I can’t even describe how weird that is to me. I see now that I’ll never be rid of the feeling like I’m entering into a trap, even after walking out.¹ That’s the permanent consequence of what happens when you’ve been tricked by malicious people too many times. Of course they (those from my past) didn’t think ahead or care about the rippling effect that would last decades into the future and possibly offend others besides the Aspie used for making an entertaining fool. I can sincerely like some people who are probably genuinely benign, but I can never trust anyone… never.

While driving into the city where I was to talk with students and their professor about what it’s like being an adult Aspie, I foolishly ignored my intuition. There is nothing like getting a good dose of stress before a stressful event. My senses were being bombarded with increasing danger signals from all around my vehicle. I was heading straightforward into the guts of a city that’s infamous for its level of crime, at dusk on a rainy evening no less! The looks I received gave me the creeps! If I had not been going to a college campus, you can be sure I wouldn’t have been where I was without my Browning handgun fully loaded.

I arrived 45 minutes early. To others, that might seem a bit extreme. To me, it’s good to have that much time for readjusting myself to my new surroundings. I liked that I could settle down in a quiet, and fairly vacant, space indoors. I did appear lost inside, but how’s that to be avoided when you’re just curious to check out what’s where?

It’s funny how every college I’ve been in has the same smell. What’s even more weird is that High schools have their own odor, which is even different from Elementary schools.

My boat didn’t get rocked until I entered into the classroom. Immediately my brain was taxed by the hideously bright florescent lighting! If that wasn’t enough to stimulate my nervous system, the room’s silence that shortly followed the kind introduction was unnerving. It was good my daughter had prepared a last minute paper for students to read to help them possibly stir up some questions so the ball could roll in spite of her not being there to lead the conversation.

I only had time to read it once without distractions.

I told the professor that I thought the way she wrote about what it was like to have me as her mom sounded like a sales pitch. It was nice of her to say what she did, but it sure had me feeling awkward when reading it.

Others were impressed with her writing skills and story. I bet it wasn’t like anything else they’ve ever read before — certainly not like any textbook, that’s for sure! If it wasn’t for the instructor’s exceptionally calm demeanor,² my brain might have started freezing up instead of just being slush. Compared to how well others could talk when asking me their questions, I know I sounded like no one else they’ve ever heard speak before. I could see it in their faces.

I also noticed a huge difference in attitudes from the signals each person was emitting my way. I must have become more sensitive than ever to the vibes that people can give off. I knew beforehand not to expect everyone to be alike. It reminded me of when I attended conferences about Aspergers where there were teachers who talked down to me as if I was dog crap³ and looked at me as if they wished they could permanently rid the planet of those like me. It’s not even necessary for me to see facial expressions to get the sense of when someone perceives me with disgust because of her (or his) arrogant attitude. It can even display itself in the way that someone puts down a paper she reads or the way one sits in a chair.

It takes an incredible amount of concentration to ignore bad signals and focus on the good ones. No wonder NTs are better at multitasking skills like socializing among a crowd of people. They’re not as aware of each individual all at the same time and can switch tracks rapidly… like a flat stone bouncing as it skims the surface of water. If I allow myself to get too distracted by one individual, I sink like a boulder deep into the dark depths of oblivion.

So, how well did I manage to speak about what life is like as an adult Aspie? I have no clue. I was told I did well, but to me, no matter how well I do something, it will always feel grossly insufficient. I only hope and pray that I was helpful somehow and that constructive use will be made of whatever may have been insightful. I also hope that those who respect Aspies for who we are know that I (and others like me) appreciate you guys more than you could ever know!

¹Whenever I am wanted for whatever the reasons might be, I’m skeptical and will always wonder why.

²I’m not sure if he’d mind my mentioning his name.

³No, no one did that last night.

Unconventional Convention

  • Posted on June 11, 2009

Ever since the Autism Walk & Expo of the Hudson Valley on April the 26th of this year, I’ve known that an opportunity has finally come for when I can speak to others about Aspergers.

My grown-up NT daughter and I were invited to share our stories about what it’s like to be a NT daughter raised by an Aspie mom and what it’s like for an Aspie mom to raise a NT daughter (plus, an Aspie son).

With her being the type of person who works well under pressure, I left her to pursue concentrating on what she was to say at the last minute. My way is to prepare as soon as I know I have something planned, but without my knowing beforehand what she feels is important to cover, I became stuck as far as preparations go.

Now the date has arrived. Tonight is the time. The place is a classroom of students going for a PhD in Special Education. The plan was that my NT daughter would do the talking up front and I’d ‘fill-in’ the gaps while seated among the students.

As we all know, plans can change at the last minute. My daughter will be unable to attend. That leaves me to wing it on my own without her.

‘Normal’ people prepare by gathering their thoughts, writing them, and practice what they plan to say over and over again. That’s fine for them, but I know that won’t work for me. For starters, without feedback, I continually change my mind about what to say (especially since I know listeners don’t want to spend the night listening to me go on and on).

I can remember when I was a student in college classrooms. I could do quite a bit of hefty talking once the instructor would hit upon an area that opened me up, but I had to do it from my seat and couldn’t look at anyone else while talking. To look at more than one person and realize there are many around who are listening, immediately distracts my train of thought. I pick up on all the different ‘vibes’ people give off and then start to feel torn in different directions.

I doubt many can comprehend what it’s like to grow up feeling like no one really cares about what you’ve got to say, but then a day suddenly comes when people might actually want to listen to your words. It’s confusing to say the least.

It doesn’t help either when being told people will be skeptical about why I want to speak, especially without charging any money. What’s so hard to understand about wanting to improve the lives of other Aspies who may have to follow the same path I’m on? Is it because I lack the what’s in it for me factor? Is it because some NTs project themselves into my place — secretively thinking that I’m a freak and they’d never go public for others to laugh at behind their back (if they were me)?

Maybe you can get the idea how much there is for me to wonder about as I come to the conclusion that God (again) has the answers for everything (as always). He says in Matthew 10:19,

But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is,

…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Whatever God is willing, if it’s my time to speak tonight, then He will give me the words. If it’s not, then mute is what I shall be.

Questions About Questions

  • Posted on June 7, 2009

I don’t ask questions that I wouldn’t want to answer if they were asked of me.

I wouldn’t be so rude as to ask someone, “Do you work?” or “How much money do you make?”

For starters, I’m not interested to know; plus, those things are none of my concern.

It’s illogical for people to fear being rude when someone is being rude to them.

There is nothing wrong with being straightforward by telling someone, “I’m of the opinion it’s not something you need to know.” After all, don’t we all know that everyone is entitled to having an opinion?

There is also nothing wrong with saying, “Since you’re asking a personal question, I prefer to keep that private.”

Both replies are direct, honest, and respectable answers. If the other person feels offended by such answers, then that’s her problem. Obviously she’s nosy (or preconsciously enjoying bullying) to ask such things in the first place.

To change the subject, or play the hinting game, is actually more rude than doing the person a favor by steering her in the right direction. At least then she has the hope of thinking differently and possibly becoming a better person because of your thoughtfulness. If not, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do anyhow so what have you lost?

I have to wonder if all the hype about what’s a rude question isn’t triggered mostly by the fear of not being intelligent enough to know how to handle others.

Is that why it is considered rude to challenge what someone says?

I’ve actually been told that most people don’t like to think. They say it makes them uncomfortable. If that’s so, then how about me? It’s far more uncomfortable to have to live with the consequences of a society that’s too lazy to think.¹

Even if you feel outsmarted by someone, it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Only proud people feel humiliated and they’re the very ones who should be!

I’ve been told by reliable sources that the #1 fear NTs have is to offend another person. Superficially they might act like they don’t care, but in reality they do. It’s in their preconscious, so they’re not even aware of it.

I would like to ask those who started the rumor that it’s rude to challenge what someone says, “Who do you think you are to define what is rude?…God?” Of course, a question like that would be considered super-rude to ask.

Why so I must ask? Because I’m challenging what someone says! What in the world do such people think they’re doing to those like me?!

They are doing the very same thing. They are challenging what I am saying!… and I say it is NOT rude to challenge what someone says.

Why do I then not allow readers to challenge what I write in my posts? Because I know ahead of time that what they’re going to say has already been said by others.

Communication should go from point A to point B. It can zig-zag along the way, but it if is something that will spin around until someone has to get off to vomit, then why bother?

Most topics have already been argued elsewhere ad nauseam. My blog isn’t a merry-go-round, even though it can be quite the amusing place to park.

¹Add to that, too few people with the backbone to live with integrity! Talking about it (but not doing it) is worse than not talking about it at all.

I looked him in the eye!

  • Posted on May 6, 2009

As my husband drove into the gas station in his diesel fueled predator truck yesterday, we observed a taxi parked in front of the diesel pump. Since the taxi driver was sitting in his car when we first saw it, we couldn’t figure out if he was leaving or just got there. As we waited to see what he was going to do, hubby double checked to see if the fuel line might reach his truck tank’s lid without our needing to move further ahead. It wouldn’t. Then we noticed the taxi driver was slowly getting out of his car and approaching his gas pump. His appearance was that of a fat and dirty looking gangster type, with an “I don’t give a crap about anyone other than myself” facial expression and body language.

Being that it was the time of day when everyone was getting off work, this gas station was quite busy. After the taxi driver was done pumping his tank, he dawdled on over into the store to pay for his gas. I didn’t expect him to be considerate on the length of time he’d spend inside, but what he did once he came out really irked me! Normally, I might not be bothered by such an arrogant slob… but since I was concerned about making it to a particular store up the road before it closed in ten minutes, I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore of his nonsense. My husband was annoyed too, but for him I believe it was because of he felt insulted.

On the way out of the store, the taxi driver meandered towards a woman parked by another pump and proceeded to casually chit-chat with her. That did it for me. I rolled down my window and proclaimed loudly enough (without yelling) for everyone to hear, “Excuse me. Your vehicle is blocking us from being able to get fuel. You need to move it out of our way.” I used the Cesar Millan technique of assertiveness→ maintaining direct eye contact to let him know I expected him to comply with my command. Of course it helps having a husband behind me that can convey a powerfully intimidating look.

It worked. The taxi driver immediately quit talking with the woman and walked back to his car (spitefully at the same sluggish pace, of course). A decent person would apologize, but it was obvious right from the start that this was not such a person. He didn’t say a word, but at least he got out of our way finally! I was thankful to be able to make it to the store on time too.

Probably most people don’t think looking someone in the eye (as I did in this case) is any big deal. For me it is, because I don’t have a lot of experience at it; especially ones which achieve my goal! Throughout most of my life, I’ve been a doormat. Even when I’d try to stand up for myself, I’d usually fail. In fact, (about thirty years ago) I even wasted my money taking a college course instructing students on how to be assertive. Back in my era of counselor hopping, I also wasted money on psychologists I foolishly trusted to help me gain assertiveness.

What finally made the difference? I confidently KNEW that the taxi driver’s behavior was wrong and that it was right for me to confront him (with the motivation to ‘correct’ the wrong, without being vengeful).

I’ve acquired a sufficient Theory of Mind for enabling me to better understand the way that neurotypical minds work.¹ Before having this advantage (it’s an advantage since most NTs lack enough  Theory of Mind for comprehending Aspies), I lived doubting almost every thought I had in regard to my being innocent. That’s because I was convinced (at an early age) I was somehow to blame whenever something went wrong or I was bullied.

As I got a lot older, I began to suspect that I couldn’t be the only ‘bad’ person. After all, I didn’t go around murdering people or robbing banks. You’d think that such rationalizing would have helped to protect me from others who enjoyed making me feel guilty when I really wasn’t. Unless you’ve been programmed to think that way (which is highly doubtful it’s possible to do so thoroughly to a neurotypical), most likely you can’t comprehend what it’s like. The closest explanation I ever received from anyone who sincerely wanted to help me was, “You’re too nice.” Imagine how confusing it is to hear that after being told countless times (by your parents, whom you desperately don’t want to reject you), “If you’re nice, people will be nice to you.” I knew that if someone was nice to me, I was happy to be nice to them. Apply that theory of mind to your life and it’s a recipe for disaster!

I’m beginning to reap what I’ve been sowing for many years. All my effort invested towards teaching my daughter what I’ve learned about human behavior,² combined with all her efforts towards adding to this knowledge — along with our having the faith of Christ — has resulted in blessing us both with extraordinary advantages above and beyond the ability to explain. It becomes increasingly evident that my being an Aspie, her being a NT, us being close in our relationship, the relatives we have, and the situations we face, all contribute ideally towards our unique growth in what just might be the most practical education a person could make use of. How do I know this? It’s simple. We’re rapidly mastering our own lives by knowing what we can change, how we can change those things, knowing what we can’t change, and knowing how to be content with what we cannot change. We’re even able to make fun out of what others would balk at facing.

Having said what I have, this doesn’t mean disappointments don’t arrive anymore. Life is designed to have its ups and downs, but it should be lived with the attitude of, “Buckle your seat belts and grab a bag of popcorn; plus, trust the Ride Operator to know what He’s doing, believe what He tells you, and know that He hears you (provided of course you don’t act like you’re the one who knows best how to handle the controls)!”

One last note —

The taxi driver I mentioned here is an example of someone being led astray into becoming the worst type of character. Unsaved souls, being under the influence of an evil spirit, will want their company to feel miserable when they’re in misery. The more they’re deceived (i.e., can’t see themselves the way God see them), the more confused and lost they become. Their wisdom descendeth not from above, but [is] earthly, sensual, and devilish (James 3:15). However, there is more hope for a person to become saved who is openly bitter.

Someone who acts nice and sweet could quite possibly be in a worse spiritual condition, because greater is the probability for her (or him) to be deluded by her (or his) own good works (self-righteousness). This is why God will judge those who claim to be His children more harshly than someone who might resemble the Hitler type.

Tell a brutish man how cruel he is and he might just laugh (overtly or covertly). Try to correct a self-righteous do-gooder and you can be guaranteed laughter will not be the outcome. The most self-deceived people put forth the greatest effort to also fool others, because they depend upon what reflection they can see of themselves in others. If someone isn’t fooled by them, they’re terrified (hence, angry) by their own guilt (after all, no one is righteous—that’s why we need Christ). With every person they can successfully avoid offending (thereby, becoming popular), they also increase their success at avoiding their own condemning guilt.

¹I recently said that I’m still naïve, but no longer gullible. For those who wonder how someone can be both naïve and non-credulous, you need to pay attention to the difference in meaning between those terms:

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000. states, “[Being] naïve sometimes connotes a credulity that impedes effective functioning in a practical world: ‘this naive simple creature, with his straightforward and friendly eyes so eager to believe appearances’ (Arnold Bennett).” I’m glad the word sometimes was included in that statement. To be naïve is to be simple and guileless. To be credulous is to be ready to believe, especially on slight or uncertain evidence. If you believe people are born with a good nature and it’s their environment [nurturing] which turns one bad, then yes… you’ll probably be credulous if you’re naïve. If you know that human nature is totally depraved, and that the [human] heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, then it doesn’t matter how naïve you are —  you know not to trust anyone (including yourself) and you also know only God is worthy to be trusted.

²I didn’t learn anything practical from majoring in psychology for college. Whatever useful knowledge I gained came from a combination of independent studies done by my own research, observations, and experiments — but even that is worthless without the gracious gift of God’s salvation and His good providence to provide me with a keenly perceptive neurotypical daughter (who willingly informs me of the things that go right over my head and vice versa).

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