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Hanging anger during spring cleaning.

  • Posted on June 22, 2009

I actually wrote this post on the first day of spring. Yesterday, on the first day of summer, I began to realize maybe it was mistake to keep it private. I’m hoping that my desire to publish it today, now that a whole season has passed, is an answer to prayer.

Blogging draws my attention towards the spirits of anger and resentment that I’m harboring, so when I write about my negative experiences,¹ I’m feeding them. That is what can make blogging (to me) a destructively vicious cycle. Normally journals are therapeutic, but any kind of journal that can end up being self-destructive shows it may be time to abandon it and move on to something healthier.

There are two kinds of anger: Godly anger versus self-pity anger.

All self-pity is anger in disguise, whether it’s outwardly passive or active… or inwardly festering as depression (depression is anger turned inward).

There are two kinds of correction, depending on whether its self-centered anger driven by self-pity or Godly anger. Both may contain emotion, but the former glorifies self (a spirit of self-righteousness) and the later glorifies God (it displays humility taking a stand for Godly principles). To say, “What’s the matter with you? Shame on you!” can be symptoms of either a covert attitude of pridefully thanking God or humbly overthrowing the tables.

When I sit down at the computer to type, my brain is triggering adrenaline glands. At this point, probably due to the pattern I’ve allowed myself to get entrenched in, I cannot write without emotions. Its gives me energy when I’m sleep deprived, but its the wrong kind of energy because it’s going to keep me awake. It’s such a conditioned response that all I need to do is see a computer (or think about one), then my body chemistry has changed. Its like a caffeine fix, except more powerful because its able to keep me awake for days on end.

I need to pray and trust God that He will make me simply be → without the negativity!

¹I don’t think positive when I’m blogging, because I’m too often habitually making negative associations. In fact, the habit has become so ingrained that unfortunately it has become such a part of my character that it’s now who I am. It is time for that demonic characteristic to be crucified.

Weird Depression

  • Posted on September 9, 2008

Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve been depressed, I can still remember this strange experience I had. It’s not the depression that was strange, but rather the ‘cure’. If I procrastinate any longer though to write about it, I might forget to.

There is nothing unusual about feeling down over knowing you can’t have what you’d like. That’s bad enough for most people, but on top of that, I felt worse over being in this condition because it was seeming like a private pity-party to me. I thought what I was going through was only because of not accepting something I could not change, at least without violating God’s will anyhow.

It’s true, I was not totally accepting my lot in life at that time, but that wasn’t the cause of my depressed state. It was the symptom. It wasn’t until I read something I never thought of before, that I learned the true cause of my sad condition. Just as soon as that new consideration arrived, the depression lifted away. That had to be the evidence uncovering what was actually going on, since that remedied the depression.

It was when I was studying and meditating upon how a person can know if he is saved, that I stumbled upon surprising information. I had been away from my regular routine of daily bible study for an unusual length of time and was beginning to get back into it. Before this unexpected revelation, I was slipping into doubt about my own salvation. I knew that God’s children thrive on pleasing Him and I knew that my attitude wasn’t matching that description then.

How more weird can self-deception be than to think that what you’re wanting isn’t what you really want? My escape from the pit of depression could not happen as long as I was doubting God. Because of forgetting that I thrive best when I’m pleasing Him (that’s easy to do when nourishing temptation by giving it too much attention), I became tricked into believing I was wanting something I didn’t really want. That tells me that if I did receive this desire which was actually an illusion (but probably would be a reality for a non-Christian), then I’d really be miserable!

If I had been examining myself better, I would have seen the pattern of when I am filled with joy. How could it happen that I forgot I am in my best emotional state whenever I’m doing¹ what God wants instead of what I want?

How can someone explain how pleasing God is more joyful than pleasing self unless he too has experienced it? That would be like trying to explain life to someone who hasn’t even been conceived yet.

One thing is for certain, you’ll never read about this kind of weird depression in any psychology books. This [remedy] is just another one of those unwelcome things to talk about in an aspie group meeting (and most other social gatherings too), but thank God I can tell about it here! :)

¹I had not ‘done’ this thing I was keeping in my mind, but thinking about it was just as harmful as if I had acted on it.

Snow, ice, slush, and rain . . .

  • Posted on February 13, 2008

How does this winter affect my brain? I’ve always had SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

Basically today the weather got about as wet as it can get. Typically February used to be difficult for me to endure without my moods turning as dreary as the sky, for as long as the long nights of winter lasted. This is about the first time in my life I can remember not falling prey to depression that could last all day! Decades ago, it could last constantly for weeks and sometimes even months. I wouldn’t go so far as to say moments never occur when cheeriness fades and being crabby takes over, but then who can honestly say they’re never cranky?!

I know winter isn’t over yet, but I have heard birds singing lately and that’s a good sign for spring being close by! I might not be sure of exactly what the reason(s?) may be for my coming as far as I have in getting away from the long bouts of major depression I struggled with many years ago, but I do know I’ve prayed for its end and I knew God would eventually remove those dark emotional clouds in His way, at His time. After all the prayers He has answered in my life?! . . . how could I doubt Him?!

My brain has re-learned how to sleep again. I already mentioned I began taking 5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) last summer to see if it would help me to overcome my lingering (but reduced) insomnia problem. What I didn’t express though was the evidence of this amino acid supplement eliminating depression for me. I also boosted its positive impact by recently placing a tall-standing Ott-lite over my desk and chair; plus, another tall-standing Ott-lite over my bed. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s lighting technology to produce natural light for better health (physically for improving vision and mentally for improving moods negatively impacted by lack of daylight).

A family relative of mine (who is also a chiropractor) wanted to join in with my theory of blaming serotonin imbalances as being the cause of my sleep disorder. I permitted her to try some muscle testing (applied kinesiology) on me with our focus being on the 5-HTP. Since what she said agreed with what I suspected for the dosage levels that would work best to accomplish my goal, I gladly proceeded to experiment on myself.

Now that the experiment is over, I’m glad!

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