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Say what?

  • Posted on January 31, 2010

I got reminded of a cultural difference between NTs and Aspies. As much as I understand and know about figures of speech, it’s still something that requires a translation process. If I’m the one using a figure of speech, obviously I’m not going to misread what I’m thinking. But if I’m not expecting someone else to speak figuratively, I can still jump to the wrong conclusion.

I think I’m understanding how it happens thanks to a recent example today. I won’t mention who this involves (and I’ll even change the initials to protect their privacy), but if she read this, I hope she knows that she has nothing to apologize for. I thank her for progressing my learning experience and the reminder I needed to know that I’m still taking what others say literally without realizing I’m doing it.

Here is what she said to me in an email:

Oh, yes, D is in heaven, and I don’t begrudge him that! It’s high time he had a good friend, as D has so much to give and truly loves everyone. It’s nice to see that reciprocated. My heart just breaks for T nonetheless!

Here was my response:

Your statement, “Oh, yes, D is in heaven,…” had me in complete confusion for about 15-20 minutes. I went to your blog searching for news of his passing away. In the email you just sent me, I thought you were referring to Jesus as being D’s good friend. I thought I overcame taking things literal, but now I doubt it’s something that I’ll ever be able to stop doing.

I left a comment on her blog where she wrote a post about the effects of her high-functioning autistic son’s new found friendship. I’m assuming that because my last impression I had when I left her blog was of a serious nature, it kept me in that same frame of mind when I read her words, “…D is in heaven…” Adding to that image my own difficult experiences throughout my life in the area of friendships, caused my mind to think that the only possible good friend an Aspie can have to keep ongoing contact with over a substantial length of time is Jesus. Being that Jesus is in heaven, naturally I assumed that D’s mother was telling me that D died.

On rare occasions, I’ve enjoyed a few months of an occasional blissful friendship before realizing what flaws were demanding its extinction. My hopes were up too high when I thought the solution for me was to have an Aspie friend. It’s not that my Aspie ‘friends’ become enemies. The Aspie whom I feel most closely bonded to (like a soul mate/brother) has too much of a need to be in control to be able to handle inconsistent contact from me. It saddened me to feel his pain and I miss being in contact with him, but because I don’t want him to suffer from my sporadic and unpredictable ways of being in touch, I decided it was best for the both of us if I would leave him alone.

I still ‘visit’ with him by going to the places he is online, but I have stopped communicating with him many months ago. Just the other day, a particular recent photo of him immediately reminded me of how much our lives are spent in solitude and the deep ways we are so much alike.

I have a female Aspie friend I can visit about twice a year for a couple of hours at most. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a phone call just as often. Any received emails (once every couple of months?) say very little. So, by the time there is a reconnection, I struggle to know what to say.

For my own well-being, I need a friendship where I know that if I need to call that person, he or she will be there for me. It might sound hypocritical of me to be repulsed by always hearing an answering machine I must leave a message on and then wait days for a potential return call, especially since I rarely answer my phone. However, if I knew that I had a friend who would call me (like I’d call her or him), I’d be more than happy to answer my phone. If I have enough time to get to the phone as someone is leaving me a message (who I want to talk with and wants to talk with me), I will pick up the phone. It’s only fair that the other person reciprocates with the same courtesy.

I’d enjoy a good friendship just like most people would, but when challenges involved are so difficult, it’s not that hard to learn how to live contentedly in solitude. Some days are not as pleasant as others, but all-in-all, with Jesus as a friend, my eyes look up to heaven knowing that the time spent in this world is nothing compared to eternity with Him.

What Would You Think?

  • Posted on December 14, 2008

What would you think of people who never answer their phone when you call, but yet expect you to answer yours when they call you?

I commented to a reply in my previous post by saying:

It’s impossible to be friends with someone who never answers his phone. I don’t either most of the time, but if I know when someone is going to call me I will answer. The problem is what do you do when someone won’t set up a time in advance so you know he is calling; plus, won’t leave a message long enough to give a person time to answer the phone?!?! If I can appoint a time for talking on the phone, I can’t see any reason why someone else will not do the same (especially when he can do it to follow bus schedules, keep doctor appointments and job interviews, etc.) He isn’t the only one like that either. There are more Aspies who behave this same way. I could be tempted to be like that myself, but I know that isn’t being fair. To me, behavior like that seems like it’s a control issue someone is having and I’ve had my fill of manipulative people.

Are there other factors I’m not seeing which need to be included or is this enough to cause someone to suspect manipulative behavior? The explanation I got when I asked one guy who does this is, “I don’t know what mood I’m going to be in ahead of time.” That answer seems illogical and selfish. I could say the same thing, because I can’t predict my moods either.¹ Who can?

To me, being a friend means being there for your friend. If someone isn’t going to be there for me when I need a friend, then why should I be there for him when he needs someone to talk with? If I complied to such a standard, then I would be a doormat and enabling the other person to practice arrogance. I’ve been a doormat for over four decades and now I’m retired from that position. That’s why I love living by what is said in Matthew 7:12, “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” If I attached such conditions to friendship, then I would appreciate someone caring enough to help straighten me out by not allowing me to continue behaving foolishly selfish (and self-destructive!).  It helps to keep me sane by knowing where to draw boundaries. That explains why I can now like myself too. I’ve finally learned how to take care of myself (the hard way).

¹In fact, people taking psychiatric medication for controlling emotions should be better at predicting their moods than those who don’t. After all, isn’t that what those drugs are for?

Birds of a Feather

  • Posted on September 12, 2008

Birds of a feather flock together, but what happens when a bird is too rare to be able to find the others with similar feathers?

At home last night, my husband was talking about an earlier chat he had with a female acquaintance who joined his visit while at his friend’s house. Later, that friend then came to visit him at our house (minus the female acquaintance). After listening to some things said (no, it wasn’t gossip), particularly the part referencing me, I got to thinking about this same curious incident which repeatedly occurs.

Yesterday was another one of those times when someone in my community made a reference to me (here specifically, being ’socially correct’ to ask my husband how I’m doing), in the usual distinct and subtle manner that reveals a dislike. It’s not quite so subtle though when the referencing is done with someone thought ’safe’ to tell, but then the beans end up getting embarrassingly spilled and the cook runs to hide rather than apologize and clean up the mess.

Everyone knows it’s wrong to say things which would hurt someone’s feelings if they heard it, but the problem with decoding what’s hurtful depends on each unique individual being talked about and how thoughts are communicated. That’s why I prefer writing over talking→ it gives me more time to think for expressing myself better. Plus, I doubt it needs to be said that aspies and neurotypicals encounter some huge struggles when it comes to socializing with each other face-to-face.

Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I must be mean and/or arrogant since I have the audacity to say it’s uncommon for me to ‘like’ someone as I get acquainted with him or her in person, I need to clarify my definition of like. It must also be pointed out that it’s equally rare for me to be liked.

Like is about as vague of a word as love is. People say things like, “I love pizza.” Does this mean they’re happy when the pizza is happy and feel sad when the pizza feels sad? No. It would be more accurate to say, “I like pizza.” However, people are not like pizza. We have feelings. We’re human. That’s why all persons need to love one another and why no one should be offended because of not being liked.

The reason it sounds harsh to tell someone, “I don’t like you,” is because we know it’s enjoyable to be liked. Whether “I don’t like you” is expressed audibly, written, through body language, or by ceasing to have contact, the end message remains the same.¹ The difference though with verbalizing and/or writing it is that it leaves the guess work out of the picture. As much as aspies struggle with non-verbal messages from NTs, NTs I see have just as difficult of a time deciphering the non-verbal messages aspies give.

Judging from how consistently difficult it is for NTs to get acquainted with me and the challenge that arises for both myself and NTs during face-to-face communication,² I have to resort to writing in order to lessen the amount of misunderstanding.

If and/or when I don’t like a person, it’s because he doesn’t have enough of the right flavor to taste appealing. It is NOT because he doesn’t like me. However, when others don’t like me, it’s primarily because they don’t like being seen. I can’t speak for all aspies, but I can say that the ones I’ve gotten acquainted with seem to have a knack for seeing double messages.³ I need to remember this suspicion of mine has been repeatedly confirmed by my loving family members telling me that’s what they observe.

Is it a mixed message to claim to love your neighbors but yet, at the same time, admit having a distaste for them? Not really. It’s not unlike the experience parents have when their kids are testing their patience. It’s a lot easier to like your children when watching them sleep than when having to deal with them while they’re behaving in an unpleasant manner. There are times you don’t like them. There is never a time you don’t love them.

¹Even though the end message is the same, there is never any excuse for communicating it in a hurtful way. NTs prefer being told by leaving hints. Aspies suffer from hints, because hints often times require a lot of work to sort out the details. Aspies can learn to copy some of the NT hinting methods. That makes NTs happy, but when an aspie does it to another aspie, it creates anger, is insulting, and selfish. Aspies, of all people, should know what they’re putting another aspie through when they’re acting neurotypical.

²I noticed that I’m more aware of the challenge than NTs are. NTs assume they’re understanding me, but in reality, their imagination is filling in the gaps.

³Colin Mackey points this out to Martha Horgan in the novel A Dangerous Woman by Mary McGarry Morris. Martha too could not understand why no one liked her. Mackey told her→ it’s not so much that people don’t like you, but rather dislike your ability to see them. Martha’s struggle was in choosing which message to believe→ the truth versus what she wanted to believe. Even though this is a novel (and a movie on VHS, except without this part the book contains), the character of Martha displays an excellent example of an aspie woman. Now that I’ve mentioned this, I pray people don’t jump to the conclusion that aspie women do what Martha did in the story which made her infamous. What Martha did, anyone is capable of without the grace of God.

NTs Can Be Socially Incorrect Too

  • Posted on September 7, 2008

I realize the statement “neurotypical people can be socially incorrect too” will probably anger a lot of people. I’m not saying it to provoke that response. It needs to be said because if it is left unsaid, NTs will remain ignorant that they too can behave socially incorrect, if and/or when they try to befriend an aspie. I shall share a recent experience of mine to explain how this is so.

In my neighborhood, live a variety of people. One woman in particular is showing more effort to befriend me than most others. I sincerely appreciate her long awaited attempts, but now that headway is finally being shown, it’s also revealing how impossible it might for us to truly be friends.

She means to be thoughtful, but she can’t realize how rude and insulting her actions actually are. ‘Normally’ neighbors befriend others by inviting them over for coffee, bake them a cake, or something similar. What my neighbors are unaware of is that I typically end up receiving something that they would never tolerate. In my experience, women are the ones who usually do this.

What exactly is this thing I’m talking about? It’s when others have you feeling like you are a project that needs to be ‘fixed’. The part that makes it so awful is knowing that if you don’t conform to their ‘weird’ advice, it will be taken as an insult. On top of that, it doesn’t take long to notice that if the relationship was to continue, it would continue as “do as I say, not as I do.”

Since this situation in my recent example doesn’t have much hope of progressing beyond where it is at, I’m hoping that writing about it can maybe help others learn something which they might otherwise remain ignorant of.

I know NTs might have a difficult time understanding and/or believing how advice like what I got is weird. I tend to think that NT parents who love their aspie child(ren?) are far more willing to think about this than other NTs.

All throughout my life, whenever I’m taking a walk and my thoughts gravitate towards a deeper level, I tend to focus downward just ahead of where my feet are stepping. One day (not too long ago), as I was walking my dog along a back road, my neighbor passed by in a car and saw me apparently while I was engrossed in some deep thought. I’m stunned to learn how much it bothered her to see me walking with my face towards the ground (but yet years back she thought it was interesting to watch me walking my dog while reading a book). In fact, my recent body ‘language’ bothered her so much that she insists I cease and desist from walking in that manner any longer. Her reasoning behind this demand is that she is watching out for my own good because of what other people will think about me. However, she personally excuses herself from this same concern because she has too much physical pain from bad health to care anymore what others think about her.

I tried to tell her that I believe what other people think of me is none of my business, but as hard as I tried to explain to her that both her and I share the same frustrations when it comes to other people misjudging us, she was not going to ‘make the connection’. Since I could see this dilemma between us, I surrendered my position by giving her the impression I would try my best to walk without looking at the ground. She said that’s not good enough and that I simply must ’stop doing it’. I told her I doubt I can always remember to refrain from this action. I added to that by saying if I knew that it was something which God did not approve of, then I could have faith in successfully breaking the habit. That last comment triggered more ‘advice’. I was then told not to mention God when I speak. Little does she realize how much selfishness is embedded inside her thoughtfulness. I guess that’s to be expected from those who do not know what it is like to be loved by God. If they did, then they [the listeners] would realize it isn’t unlike telling someone to not to bring up their [the speaker's] father in a conversation.

Why can’t people realize that what’s really socially correct is simply accepting others just the way they are, especially when what they do or say isn’t hurting anybody else?!

P.S. — If you don’t agree with me, that’s your choice. However, please realize bigoted comments will be rejected. I do not submit those kinds of comments on someone else’s blog and that’s why I don’t permit them on mine.

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