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The Lives of Oil and Water

  • Posted on June 2, 2009

Expecting Aspies to conform to the social rules developed by neurotypicals works as well as expecting water to blend with oil. You can put both into the same container, but that’s about it.

To think that any school containing both neurotypical and Aspie students will be successful at blending the two together is delusional. I know that some will disagree with me, but I also know why. Unfortunately, it is not possible for me to explain in such a way that those people could comprehend this, so I’ll just have to stick with what might sink in with the ones who may agree.

When I went to school, I had no one to assist me with what was going on socially. Now there are aids, but I don’t know how helpful they could be with the most influential experiences.¹ I mentioned (about 3/4ths of the way down) in my Going Places with Aspergers post a couple of personal ones from my younger years that were awful enough for me to never forget.

Throughout most of my life, I could not comprehend why and/or how people like J.H. and her conspirators could be so malicious. Now I know. If only I could have known back then, it would have helped me cope BUT it would never cure students from bullying disorder. I also know that no therapist or aid would or could ever tell me what just might be the most important information that Aspie children (and adults) need to know when living in an environment that contains neurotypicals. They still won’t and I understand why. If it wasn’t for Aspies and the few rare NT individuals caring enough to be honest, I’d still be locked behind the prison bars of ignorance.

When I could see the same fate coming for my Aspie son when he was in elementary school (he also saw it developing), we both decided home schooling was the only option. Ignorant neighbors would try to shame me by saying I would destroy my son’s chances of learning how to socialize. They had no words of wisdom when I’d ask them why it was that I never learned how to socialize and I had not only graduated from a public high school, but also spent many years in public colleges.

Here’s a question no one seems to be thinking about:

Where will the aids be once students are done with school? Do Aspies arrive at a stage in life when they can finally blend in with the rest of society?

Not if they’re really an Aspie who wants to enjoy life on the same terms that NTs do. NTs are not the ones being labeled as having a disorder or disease. If I sound a bit annoyed, it’s because I am and rightfully so.

Yesterday, while enjoying a long walk in nature with an Aspie friend, I was hit with some more bricks about NT behavior. I got the sense that my friend did not ever have someone he could enjoy activities with and still be himself, so I asked him if that was so and did he know why. His explanation was one that shocked me. He said that as soon as someone would get a sense of his vulnerability, that would be the end of their getting together. I still don’t quite understand what he meant by that, but I did comprehend the things he told me afterward.

While we were walking, he explained to me that people typically don’t connect all the dots when it comes to thinking. He said that when he talks with me, we get into deep discussions. It’s slowly becoming evident to me that most people don’t like to think enough. It makes sense that these individuals will say something so stupid as, “You think too much.” That’s as ridiculous as saying, “You have too much empathy.” What’s next?, “You’re too alive?”

If someone doesn’t want to think deeply, that’s his or her choice… but to tell me how much I should think?… I don’t think so!

Another thing my friend told me yesterday was that he is not used to being around someone who can enjoy his company without needing him to be someone he is not (i.e., no role playing necessary or wanted).

He told me that people are put off by those who make the time to talk with you, if and/or when you’re busy doing something else.² That made no sense to me at all. I’m still not sure if he was hinting that he is put off by me, especially since I was busy washing windows when he called to ask me if I’d go on a walk with him. Since I figured there is no risk that the windows might die tomorrow, but you never know when someone might be gone from this world, I was happy to impulsively meet him for a walk.

I told him that if someone made the time to talk with me, if and/or when she was busy, I would be honored! People who turn me off are those who think they need to act busy; hoping to impress others that they have a life. Meanwhile, these self-centered fools don’t even realize how immature their behavior makes them look to someone like me. In my opinion, society has taken this to the extreme and this is why people no longer know how to live rationally. It makes sense that Aspies have a better chance at sanity due to living in ‘logic’ world.

Happiness is knowing what to expect and what can be changed. I can’t change the “Get a Life” syndrome that mostly everyone has become disillusioned by. Now that I know others expect me to impress them as having a life in the same way that they play the game, it’s my turn to sit back, laugh, and say, “dream on.” If I don’t have time in the spir of a moment for real friends, I’ll make the time as soon as I can. As for the rest in society, I’ve wasted too much of my valuable life upon those too blind to appreciate it.

¹Three days later, after first publishing this post, I learned something important in regard to aids given for Aspie children in mainstream schools. These aids are actually destructive to the well being of Aspie children. When I think of someone being an aid, I think of that person as being my helper.

I would not call a cult leader an aid. I know it sounds harsh and extreme to say that it’s possible for the NT culture to be one gigantic cult, but in reality that’s what it actually can be (or already is?). Only people who are in a cult believe they are not in a cult. Only the ‘outsiders’ can see objectively. Children are vulnerable to being brainwashed. The aids that are assigned to school children are there to ‘train’ up the child in the way to go. They are NOT there to explain why people behave as they do.

These aids are NOT there to encourage thinking. They have no idea that they’re actually causing confusion to Aspie students. The Aspie students are going to be blind to what’s going on because they’re vulnerable due to wanting to fit in with the world.

The long-term effect of being someone you’re not is self-destructive, because what’s being practiced is ‘double mindedness’. When it’s your own mind that’s divided against itself, it’s weakened. The end result is an Aspie who will one day face the end of when he can continue with the charade.

Integrity is wholeness. Wholeness is a sound mind. When the mind is healthy, the body will then also be. Maybe I need to continue with this explanation in another post? At least the warning has been sounded here.

²My NT daughter agreed that people are turned off by those who will be flexible and accommodating. She said it gives the impression that you’re a ‘needy’ person. Wow, the things that guilt produces… being self-centered is more popular than being thoughtful!

[Edit added to 2nd footnote on 6.27.9: When reading Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest on June 25th, I was hit with the real truth as to why it becomes progressively more popular to appear too busy even when you can make time to be with someone. It also explains why neurotypicals (generally speaking) are contemptuous towards Aspies.

When comparing the amount of sorrow Aspies must endure socially with the amount that NTs experience in their lives, an Aspie who has received himself in the fires of sorrow will make time for you. Since most NTs do not know what this kind of sorrow is, they are apt to be contemptuous and have not time for others. When the majority of people behave this same way, it becomes popularly acceptable behavior.]

Mainstreaming

  • Posted on May 30, 2008

It’s amazing how almost all people, who mainstream their children, think they know what’s best for ALL children. I hear comments like, “My child did well in public school and she survived even though she had a learning disability,” but yet saying it without realizing the differences which exist in regard to learning disabilities.

I was recently told about a girl who struggled with learning to read and write. Her father was trying to use his daughter as an example to show that Asperger children do better if they are mainstreamed with their education and that homeschooling can’t equip them for the world as well as being in a large school system. He mistakenly thinks Asperger’s syndrome is merely a learning disability that mainstream schools can accommodate. I wish I was quick enough to plug in the question, “Since when do scholarly studies have anything to do with socializing issues?”

Another thing that’s warped is the term learning disabled. It’s a classic “it depends” case. Using the logic most people do in regards to this term, I could say my bright neurotypical daughter is learning disabled if I taught her the same way I taught my neuro-A-typical son. When it comes to educating neurologically different children, they cannot learn in the same environment using the same methods!

Putting autism spectrum children into a special needs classroom is NOT enough and may even be more harmful than good, because they already have a strong awareness of being unacceptable due to being socially and cognitively different. Special needs classrooms are still in the mainstream environment. Those classrooms will not only never be built differently enough, they can never become customized for each Aspie student’s needs. Most Aspies don’t learn best by such traditional methods as using a teacher talking, writing notes on the board, and having all her students staying seated to focus on her.

Most people really believe that if a child with Aspergers is homeschooled, or attends a school specifically structured for those on the autism spectrum, that s/he will be at a disadvantage because they think s/he will become spoiled. Okay then, how about if I throw some tropical fish into a tank that goldfish thrive fine in? Is having a special aquarium set up for tropical fish “spoiling” them if there are many more goldfish than tropical fish?

Only those who have raised their children in an unconventional way have the ability to speak knowledgeably on the topic of whether or not mainstreaming is good for a child.

There are Aspie students who ‘survive’ mainstreaming (I’m one of them), BUT they would have received a superior education if they were not mainstreamed AND without such risks as constantly being bullied, receiving permanent bad behavior records, and (even worse) struggling with suicidal tendencies! Just like children have different dietary needs for optimum health, they also have different social and cognitive needs for mental health. Feed a food to a child that he’s allergic to and he will have a reaction. Force a child into the wrong schooling environment and expect trouble.

It’s too bad that there is no way to prove that providing for an individual child’s needs, even if it means not mainstreaming, results in an adult with greater assets to give back to society. Oops… oh yea, there is. But the problem is most people don’t want to hear it. There are more and more homeschool graduates setting that record straight.

If only non-homeschoolers attended events organized homeschoolers do, such as having a theme park day specifically reserved to only allow homeschooling families to attend. You’d think you left earth and were on another planet, because of the massive amount of polite and intelligent behavior displayed by so many children of all ages in a concentrated area.

Don’t be so quick to blame children and/or their parents when it comes to disruptions in mainstreamer’s routines. Most likely, the problem is IGNORANT people in society who have too much influence over the way other people will think!

Just like an Asperger child can be a disruption to a classroom filled with neurotypical children, it’s equally so that a neurotypical child can be a disruption to a classroom filled with Aspie children! In fact, NT kids behave a lot worse (generally speaking). Can you remember when you’ve last heard about a gang of Asperger children gathering to bully and/or beat up a NT child?

What’s Recognized?

  • Posted on March 29, 2008

My next exposé on yet another ‘symptom’ and characteristic of Aspergers:

Difficulty with constant anxiety, worried about performance and being accepted, despite commendation and special recognition.

Again, it depends. The most obvious factor which will determine if someone struggles with this issue is what his parents are like. After them, it’s the influence of: siblings, relatives, the family’s friends, teachers, peers, etc.

I will borrow a quote (sorry, I don’t know who wrote it) which is off the topic a little, but it should help with this explanation:

“Not every autistic person doesn’t want a cure. I’ve talked to a few that would want one. But the strange common factor between those people seems to be that they’ve all suffered a great deal of prejudice, and been told that their autistic traits are bad and wrong and if only they were normal… As a result they seem not to have been taught how to use their autistic traits, but rather to suppress them and try to do things the “normal” way.They’ve got a right to say what they say. It’s just that I think if they were accepted and helped to learn instead of pitied and “trained” to be normal, they would be a lot happier, and it wouldn’t matter so much that there isn’t a cure. Maybe they would still want one; but they’d be happier and they wouldn’t seem to spend their days wishing that they could be normal…I think in a world where autistic people were accepted and educated properly, most autistic people wouldn’t want a cure; and those who did, could still be happy without one.”

Now I’ll add an example of a person who displayed this ‘symptom’ and characteristic of Aspergers:

There was an Aspie student in a public speaking class who gave her speech on the topic of Aspergers. Even though she received an A- for it, she was highly upset over not getting an A+.

When people judge a person based on what they witness without knowing the other factors that enter into the equation, they don’t understand why someone doesn’t behave like they would if they were in that same situation. Now I’ll give a couple of examples from my own life of such factors:

Last night I went out for dinner with my husband (don’t judge — going out on a date with him now is a novel experience because it’s something we didn’t even do before we got married 2 decades ago!). After eating, the waitress asked if we would like dessert. My husband requested a cheesecake, along with a cup of coffee. When the waitress looked at me, I told her I didn’t want anything other than just a cup of coffee. (My husband said I spoke politely and audibly clear enough to be heard.)

She came back to our table with one cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake. They both were placed in front of my husband. She didn’t even look at me. That’s another fine example of the autistic superpower of being invisible!

Last summer, as I was visiting a neighbor while she was having a yard sale, I was chatting with another neighbor who came to visit. We were talking casually about careers.¹ All seemed to be going along fine, so when she blurted out, “Your husband must be a saint to be married to you,” I became speechless from shock!

Need I say more for others to get my point I’m trying to express?

¹That ‘rude’ neighbor (a secretary) was disturbed over my refusal (an assumption on her part) to get a ‘job’ (her judgment of me). I feel honored to be a homemaker (retired homeschooler) for the glory of God.

mistytears

  • Posted on February 7, 2008

No, mistytears is not my Aspieness. I don’t know what other category though to put this information in (I knew I’d run into this problem when trying to decide how to set up my weblog without making too many categories).

Since what mistytears writes in her post on the AutismLink message board for the state of New York (that makes direct linking to a post impossible) and her message is about what happened to her Asperger son, I want to include this in My Aspieness. She wrote this on Tuesday, August 16, 2005 and nobody has replied since. Her story “How could someone do this to my son?” could easily be any Aspie’s story (who doesn’t come from a financially wealthy family and/or have connections to those who live above the law) :

My son has Aspergers, just turned 18, although socially, emotionally- he is much younger(develomental delays) great difficulty with social skills, obsessional thoughts, and impulse control; although he has made progress My son also has exceptional memory skills, he is like a walking VCR camcorder, he remembers every conversation, picture, etc. However, an incident happened. This past July 2005; My son was crying, saying he was lonely and still hasn’t made friends., and was sad because he felt September was a long ways off., till he starts community college(and go thru their student disabilities office for services) in which he will make social contacts. He had just graduated from our capital region(christian) huge Homeschool group and lost many contacts because of graduating. I called my son’s medicaid service coordinator and asked him if he could talk with my son, and reassure him that he will make friends in the fall at the community college, and will learn the appropriate way in talking with girls. My son says he feels more comfortable talking with girls because they are nicer to him, he connects with them emotionally, he avoids boys his age because he has been bullied before, and in time I know my son will get over that, but it has to be in his time. Because my son is lagging in social skills, he has been lonely over the summer and upset. However, my son does have his own sense of morals, has had WHOOPS education, and he has stated he only wants to make friends with girls at this point, and eventually get married.He is content with his morals, but is unhappy because he does not have any friends to talk to at present. The medicaid service coordinator agreed to come over and talk with my son. When he arrived at our apartment, he told us it would be good if he took my son out for a bite to eat, go for a ride, talk, and then go to his 11 yr old son’s archeology camp for their ending events. I thought this was a good idea, and spent time coaxing my son to go. My son finally agreed to go because he said he thought they would go for pizza or ice cream and talk about how to make friends. The medicaid service coordinator asked that my son bring his picture ID,(learner’s permit) and both my son and I were under the impression that he requested that in case if an emergency arose. So I gave him my son’s driving learners permit. He told my son that they would go to a restaurant to eat, but that is serves alcohol., but they might need it just incase even though legal age is 21,my son thought maybe it was rubytuesdays or something like that and was lookking fw to getting pizza and soda. As they were leaving,the serv. coord. rolled down the car window and said in a joking way, maybe I should bring your son to (won’t name the place)to loosen up. My son and I were not sure was it was,but I thought just in case it was a strip club, I said no, you can’t bring my son there, he would not understand that sort of thing, he has issues, and cannot handle anything like that. He said ok and they left. They were gone about 2 hrs, and upon return, The med. serv. coord. told me that he brought my son to the strip club, and the girls danced on him and it was good for his sexual release. My son was clearly upset.I was shocked and explained to him that my son doesn’t understand those types of things, that his pragmatics with girls is socially delayed, when he met girls thru school, he would say they are pretty when he met them, stare at them,follow them around, and we are in the process of teaching how to approach girls, how to communicate with them, etc. etc., and I reminded the med. serv. coord. that he has read all the psychological and psychiatric reports on my son and they state the same. However, his response was,(his exact words): ” I may have crossed over the boundaries by doing this but this is what your son needs, he needs to release his sexual frustrations and become a man.” He repeated this statement 5 times. He then said he has male friends he could get my son together with to help him release his sexual needs. I said no. My son said no and was visibly shaken and upset. My son screamed, covered his ears and was upset. My son said to him infront of me that he did not want help with WHOOPS stuff, felt like he was deceived and he only wanted help on how to make friends. He was shaken, upset, screaming, and covering his ears. My son also said he asked the med. serv. coord. 2 times if they could lv the strip club and the med. serv. coord. said no. I reminded med. serv. coord. that he drove us to my son’s SSI redetermination and sat in on the psychological assessment of my son and he heard from the psychologist about my son’s disability, this past July 12, 2005. I was hoping that med. serv. coord. would understand, but instead; he started yelling at my son and told him he has to act like an 18 yr old man and can’t think the way he thinks. His yelling further upset my son, saying that he has to learn how to release his sexual needs. Both my son and I told him that we only wanted him to talk about how to make friends, and nothing more. But that only made the med. serv. coord. yell more. This arguing lasted 20 minutes, then he said he had to go for he had his 11 yr old son waiting in the car. I was still in a state of disbelief and shocked, I walked him outside and saw that his son was in the front seat of his car and was very upset and crying. He went over to the car and started yelling at his son. I went over and introduced myself to his son and told him what a great kid he was for waiting patiently in the car, and thanked him for being kind to my son. Then they left. My son told me he felt like med. serv. coord. deceived him, that he didn’t know he was in a stripclub until they were actually inside and the girls were rubbing their bodies on him and the med. serv. coord.., and then some were topless. My son said that when med. serv. coord. gave him money to pay girls to dance, he thought they were Saratoga Ballet dancers and they would do ballet and then talk about making friends. My son said he feels like he was violated, he is upset and says he will not trust adults now. My son wrote down everything that happened inside of the club, which is quite graphic, also explains in graphic detail of what the women did to my son and to his service coordinator, and how my son said he wanted to leave and asked twice and the med. serv. coord. said no. My son remembers everything and obsesses on it. He is like a walking camcordore. Shortly after med. serv. coord. left, I called his supervisor, She was shocked and said this was not appropriate When I told her my son said he does not want to see him anymore or want him as his medicaid service coordinator, she said,” Oh, I wouldn’t go that far, but I will certainly make sure that he apologizes.” She also said she put a call in to their director, to see how this should be handled, but the director just started her vacation. I was concerned as to how this will be handled and I feel that my son needed an outside advocate to ensure that his rights are protected. He feels like he has been violated, and he is having difficulty handling this. This has effected him in an extremely distressful way. So I contacted NYS Qual and they sent the agency a letter so the agency did their own internal investigation., they questioned my son and I, and my son insisted my presence when he was questioned, because he is shaken up and has lost trust in everyone. Their line of questions to me seemed like they were too protective of their medicaid service coordinator, and not protective of my son at all, they brought up questions that had nothing to do with the incident, like religon, stuff like that. I have not heard anything back from them since, and the med. serv. coord. is still working there as medicaid service coordinator. I am also concerned with the ethics of this whole situation. This is highly inappropriate and unethical for a person in that position working for a human service that deals with children and families agency to do this sort of thing. He never had my son’s consent or mine. Med. serv. coord. supervises lower function

ing adults in a group home and I hope this is not happening to other clients who cannot express themselves. Medicaid service coordination is funded by NYS medicaid money.This is unprofessional,unethical, and the fact that medicaid service coordinator played on my son’s disability, innocent vulnerability,deceived my son, sexually exploited my son; makes me sick. My son may have just turned 18, but social and emotionally, he is much much younger. Even yesterday when we were at a tradgic funeral of a friend whose quad son was left unattended in his group home and drowned in the tub, my son was sad over that but was also laughing at the m/r clients at the funeral, he didn’t have the inner controls to control his emotions, when I asked him why he was laughing, he felt bad but said because they made noises, sounded like a cartoon he saw. these past. My son looks normal, is very naive and innocent, he has the mind of a younger child., and that is how Aspergers disabilities is. However, my son had made it clear to med. serv. coord., that he was looking in how to build relationships, not in sexual issues, because he had formed his own set of morals., has discussed any type of sexual matters with our pastor, and is only looking for help in how to make friends. A couple weeks after this happened, my son had a total breakdown, his behaviors deteriorated, I had to bring him ER to rape crisis center, in which was very helpful, their counselors are good and understand how my son feels he was sexually violated. How long will my son be hurting like this? Why aren’t the laws more protective of kids with disabilties like my son’s? This med. serv. coordinator is still working for the agency and we feel like they are treating this issue like my son doesn’t matter. Isn’t this a form of sexual abuse? My son’s behaviors fell apart, he had a breakdown and really regressed, why aren’t the laws better written for the disabled? People told me to go to the police, but they would probably just laugh at my son and say he is 18 and not understand his developmental delays. I am sorry this is so long, I am so hurting for my son, he is really upset, feels violated, he has regressed, and he is full of anger, depression, confusion, and he is a mess. Has this happened to others?

mistytears,

I’m sure this has happened to others; many others. Wherever you and your son now are, I hope and pray both of you are doing better than you were back in the year 2005. I believe every bit of what happened above is true because I know how the system works.

Complicatedly Simple

  • Posted on February 2, 2008

It’s a love/hate affair for me with learning new things! Most people aren’t even aware that there are some people who have a neurological structure within their cranium that’s programmed to operate backwards. What am I talking about?

The more obvious and simple something is to do¹, the harder it is for me to figure out. As it becomes more complex, the easier it becomes. The unfortunate part of it all is that, by the time I’ve reached the point when things start getting easier for me to comprehend, I’m so burned out and frustrated over what I accomplished! That’s when I totally lose my motivation to continue and move on to something else. Maybe that’s why whenever a new special interest arrives, I’m passionate (others call it obsessive) about it?

I first began to realize not everyone approaches new learning material (the same way as I do) until I homeschooled my son. I did fantastic with Algebra in when I was in high school, but failed miserably in Geometry class. I thought I was doomed when I would have to teach my son Geometry. Much to my astonishment, I was able to grasp (on my own) all the mathematical concepts my son had time to learn! He was so prepared for college at an early age that, when he entered, they wanted him to join Phi Theta Kappa! . . . but that’s side-tracking from my point here.

It was when doing math I learned that others do not arrive at solutions to problems the same way I do. I would find the absolute most complex, longest, and difficult way to get answers. Some of the problems in the math books would explain how the solutions were arrived at. I often times could not comprehend how those authors came up with their way of solving the answers, so I would contact the publisher to ask for help. They couldn’t comprehend my way of getting the same answer. It never was that I couldn’t get the answer to problems. It was that I didn’t like how much time it took me to do so. I wanted to be faster and get the answers in a more simple way, but try as hard as I did, I never could work through most of those math problems the same way others did. But then, no one could solve problems using my methods either (except me, of course!).

Now a few years have passed since then. I didn’t keep the math books or the papers for how I went through them. If I was to take on the task of teaching my grandchildren the same material, I’d have to start all over again from scratch. If I don’t keep doing what I begin, it’s like getting killed in a video game like Nintendo — I have to go back to the beginning and work my way back to where I was. The only thing I get to keep as a souvenir for all of my efforts is the confidence to know I can do yet another thing that I probably once believed I could not do, because I didn’t know enough to try and fight for doing something my way.

¹However, if it’s something that doesn’t actively involve me doing it, but rather it’s just something that already exists, then I tend to see what’s obvious that other’s don’t seem able to recognize.

Here’s an example: The debate about how old the earth and universe is. Almost all Christians will say the earth is new, whereas atheists will say it’s ancient. What do I say? It depends first of all what your definition of new is. Do you mean new as in it hasn’t been around a long time or do you mean new as in something that isn’t aged like fine wine? I say the earth and universe have not been around as long as most people claim it has, but I also say that the earth and universe are old aged.

Christians of all people should know that God, being the creator of all things (made from no things), gets to make his creation just like an author does when beginning a book. You’ve got to start from somewhere. Characters are introduced into the story with each being already a particular age, the weather is a specific forecast, etc. God states in His book that Adam was created a man. Adam wasn’t created a cell at conception that had not yet divided. He was an adult. He was aged. So, I’m sure too that the earth, when it was formed, already had fossils and rock layers with different ages. A supernatural being isn’t bound to natural laws, because He is above the law (unlike many people who think they are). I think I’ve made my point about my ability to be simple sometimes?.?.

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