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Mean it but not mean…

  • Posted on January 24, 2010

Aspies by nature say what they mean and mean what they say, but they don’t mean to be mean. The deaf culture is the same as the Aspie culture in that those in either culture don’t think like neurotypicals do.

For example, when my daughter had a deaf friend over for a visit, her friend said something a neurotypical visitor wouldn’t typically say. After this friend made use of my daughter’s bathroom, she came out with the words, “Your bathroom floor is ugly. You should get it fixed.”¹ If my daughter was raised by a NT mom, she probably would have been offended. As it is, she and her mother-in-law² both find going to a deaf sign language group as being the best type of group to be around. They find deaf people, and Aspies, to be refreshingly enjoyable to socialize with because it’s unlike being around any NT groups which meet regularly.

More people than not are offended by those who are a challenge to understand. It’s actually the theatrical roles of socializing that are strange. When I first pointed out my observations of when my daughter took on a different persona while socializing at parties, she didn’t even realize she was doing it. After some explaining on my part and her having time to think about it, she realized how true it really was. She recently explained to me how that knowledge is now empowering her, but it’s hard to know if that would be so if she hadn’t become saved to be used by God for His purposes.

There is nothing mean about saying (in a neutral tone of voice) to someone, “I don’t trust you until I can see concrete evidence backing up what you tell me.” NTs may be able to wear the I give people the benefit of doubt mask because they’re less prone to being socially gullible than Aspies are. Imagine an young innocent child socializing among a mixed crowd of trustworthy and untrustworthy adults. Children need to be protected until they’ve mature enough to sense when someone is playing around with them.

Aspies can’t wear protective masks. They’re either going to have to live to please NTs and take the risk of being abused and/or taken advantage of OR forget about whether or not a NT is offended and instead protect themselves by being cautious via being straightforward when socializing.

I don’t care whether or not someone gives me the benefit of doubt. They have my consent to think whatever they want about me. That I can respect. What’s a mess is that certain social policies have become the established rules for what’s acceptable behavior. Those who don’t live up to such standards are outcasts.

Why will it never be socially acceptable for someone to express his or her thoughts as honestly has he or she can? Honesty seems to have become old-fashioned. Is it because people are now too easily offended by it? The contemporary style now is to not say what you mean and to not mean what you say. That’s why I hold the theory that Asperger people didn’t stand out in history like they do now.

¹My daughter is a multi-culture interpreter. She has both sign language skills for communicating with the deaf world and she has skills for helping me to interpret how neurotypicals think. I told her I thought it would be great if her and I worked together on a script for a comedy movie. It would be similar to the film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Instead of Kazakhstan, it would be Aspergakhstan. Instead of NTs making movies having Aspies look like they’re socially inept, it would show NTs looking socially inept for a change.

²I haven’t experienced going to a sign language group. However, I am tempted. An Aspie friend of mine goes to this same local deaf group and he loves it too, but that’s mostly because my daughter has influenced the others in the group to accept this guy’s different way of being as something that’s attractive. She has a charismatic personality that enables her to play the social NT scene with finesse, so usually when she likes someone others do too.

Culture Shock

  • Posted on June 18, 2009

The only basic difference between the type of culture shock an Aspie endures when among a group of neurotypicals and/or a NT among a group of Aspies versus NTs adjusting to foreign countries is that the latter has a Honeymoon Phase. Aspies experience a much lower level of culture shock (if any) after being in a foreign country. My Aspieness tells me that spending an entire life trying to assimilate into a NT culture prepared me to feel more at ease in foreign countries.

I can imagine the amount of anxiety NTs (for a change) are shocked by when they’re the ones who are clueless as to what’s appropriate and what’s not in a society that’s not what they’re accustomed to. It’s inevitable that they’re going to infect those around them with that same nervous energy.

Because an Aspie has not been spoiled in this social sense, s/he is much more likely to enter into the new and different culture in a calm and relaxed state of being. All neurological types of people might be able to enjoy satisfying their curiosity in new surroundings, but I doubt NTs do as well as Aspies (generally speaking) when it comes to exploring strange societies.

As an adult, when I traveled, I never had someone to travel with me. I went alone or I didn’t go. Now when I reflect back on those times, I realize how much less anxiety I felt when stepping off a plane in a foreign land as compared to enduring a social gathering in what should be my own culture. I still would not be emotionally disturbed when someone who should have met me upon arrival would not be there. Such things simply added to my pleasant excitement.

I’ve never gone for tourist packages and I know I’d hate going on a commercial cruise ship. In fact, the more the trip could be unconventional and off the beaten path with plenty of unknowns, the better it was. To me, that kind of adventure is always more relaxing than those that are prearranged to please the masses. I can only guess it’s mostly because of getting a fresh new dose of intellectual stimulation (i.e., nothing boring/very interesting).

I was told that people don’t know what to make of someone who doesn’t act nervous in situations where most others would. I guess I portray a similar attitude like Borat when he approached a gang of black rappers who taught him to speak slang in the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.¹

It’s interesting to note that people can end up following the lead set by the one walking into a situation. It’s not much different than how a pack of dogs would react to the way that a new dog enters into their territory.

For example, I remember feeling genuinely popular (unlike I ever felt before) among a culture foreign to modern influence. I was told those particular natives to the land normally dislike Americans and that they found me to be not what they had expected at all. I had no idea what they were expecting and I had no clue what to expect from them. The odd thing for me was to experience immediate acceptance. I could easily share laughter with any of them (and did), but for me to experience that kind of relaxing at some social gathering like a local barbecue, dinner, or party is something that would never happen. It’s just not the same kind of laughing that builds bonds and goes deep. I guess that’s to be expected when so much importance is placed upon what’s socially correct versus offensive.

If the problem was as NTs mistakenly think, that Aspies don’t know how to be social properly, then it wouldn’t make any difference where in the world I’d go because all societies would react the same way to me. Since that’s not the case, then the real problem must come from what NTs expect from Aspies. Aspies can read books like Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People or Don Gabor’s How To Start A Conversation and Make Friends but tips in books like that mean nothing when you’re among people who will never understand your way of thinking and/or being.

I could never have been a hit with cliques like The Plastics portrayed in the film Mean Girls.² Such immature behavior doesn’t change when girls like that grow up. What happens instead is the meanness become more sophisticated and polished. It’s not hard to sense its existence. In fact, it’s almost impossible for me to ignore it when I detect it in others. There are some who don’t care whether or not I know they’re really not nice. Most though do care about what impression they make, but what they don’t see is the degree to which they may be deceiving themselves into thinking they’re being ‘nice’ when in reality that is not the case.

To openly and honestly discuss what’s disliked and possibly perceived with disgust, along with why, is nearly impossible. Usually most prefer to limit the attention integrity gets, especially now when playing small-scale politics³ (in just about every social situation) is becoming increasingly popular.

The bottom line is Aspies face culture shock every time we’re thrown into a social scenario.

How can Aspies, such as myself, not experience anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) when we have to operate within a different and unknown cultural or social environment, such as the foreign ways in which neurotypicals think and behave?

Pressure (stress) grows because of the impossibilities Aspies face in assimilating the new (NT) culture that causes difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust (moral or aesthetical) towards certain aspects of socializing.

¹Four seconds of this can be seen at the 1:42 — 1:46 section of the trailer clip.

²No amount of coaching, therapy, books, or ‘meds’ could make that happen, even if I wanted to gain such acceptance.

³Politics (noun): social relations involving authority or power.

What It’s Like Out There

  • Posted on June 12, 2009

I recently realized something very interesting about what once caused me so much sadness. Before knowing about Aspergers, I endlessly tried to find a way to fit in with the world somehow. I thought I couldn’t exist until someone would let me in to validate me. The way I craved to be let in was for someone to share the mysteries that everyone else but me seemed to know. I’d describe it as being like the solitary child who others won’t let join their club house.

For a very brief time after learning that the ‘gap’ was due to a neurological difference¹ between me and the majority of others, I felt sad over knowing that it was time for me to let go of the hope I’d been clinging to throughout my life. Once I accepted this loss, I was stunned to discover a joy I’d never have thought possible for me to experience. That joy came from knowing that there never really was anything ‘wrong’ with me after all! It was merely an illusion I allowed others to place upon me. No wonder I had been a target for bullies! Now that I understand that there are people who put others down in order to build themselves up, I still to this day ask myself, “Sheila… what were you thinking?!?!”

Now that the mysteries are gone, I’m able to have freedom unlike what most NTs can experience. Now that I know I’ll never be able to prove what most NTs think of me, it doesn’t matter! I’ll either be liked or I won’t. That leaves me with only one way to live and that means simply being true to myself.

Taking care of myself socially was something I didn’t know how to do before. Because I think differently, I’m an unusual character. It’s not sensible for an unusual character to attempt socializing in the same manner as people ordinarily do and it’s illogical to allow typical people to tell those like me how we should function. We’re a different breed; a bit eccentric, but not freaks.

Because Aspies think differently, it would be foolish of us to not be suspicious of others. Being cautious is wise; not paranoid. Would you refer to wild deer apprehensively crossing a mowed lawn as behaving weird or would it be weird if wild deer were not leery around people?

Until society becomes neurodiverse, it’s best if NTs don’t expect more than an occasional visit from Aspies. For us to be forced to live in a social environment we did not create is brutish and not very civilized.

It’s no wonder I used to be so unhappy. To me, meeting ‘Aspergers’ is like having the best friend I never had. Now I can finally enjoy who I am and I can do it without needing to impress someone! I find it quite amusing that it’s my daughter who finally taught me what my mother should have. It’s also amazing how much better she now relates to me after I explained to her about Aspergers almost two and a half years ago!

It’s okay for those who really would like to help innocent Aspie children to tell them about the ways NTs socialize. However, don’t stop there. Explain to them what is going on in the minds of NTs and fully explain why… but don’t expect Aspie children to understand any irrational behavior.

Then after you’ve done that, what’s even more important (and maybe more difficult) is listen to what these children would like you to know about that’s going on in their minds and why they have the thoughts they do. Don’t expect to fully understand them though, because there is a good chance their explanation might be too foreign to grasp. It all depends, especially since every Aspie is quite unlike another Aspie.

If there is one tip to not forget, it’s this:

Don’t expect the same methods which work for raising NT children to be successful for Aspies.

What might ‘spoil’ a NT child most likely will not do that to an Aspie. That could be much, if not most, of what contributes to the misjudging of Aspies.

‘Intense’ minds with hyper-sensitivities require being ‘catered’ to; just like delicate tropical fish as compared to hardy goldfish.

¹All that this neurological difference boils down to is a different way of thinking. Information is processed differently. That’s it; nothing more, nothing less.

Monomania

  • Posted on June 3, 2009

Question:

Since Aspies are such mono-taskers, why is it that a monocultural lifestyle is more popular among the multi-tasking neurotypicals?

(This twit thinks he’s getting educated by watching news specials and/or talk shows like Oprah, Larry King Live, etc., who then think they’re getting the truth from Autism Speaks, who does not allow autistics to speak and is controlled by mega-buck corporations like Toys ‘R Us, etc.   Bottom line? → Money is loved and people are used.)

Answer:

Ding! Neurodiversity doesn’t fit with a monocultural lifestyle. That’s why.

leafing

Postscript — If this joke is offensive to NTs, it’s not meant to be. As I’ve said before with some of my other humor, it’s how I sometimes cope with things beyond my control.

For example, that unavoidable small talk question: “Do you work?” No matter how I reply, the response I almost always get is, “Some of us have to work.” or it’s, “Some of us can’t afford the luxury of staying at home.”

The last time I heard this sort of response, it came from a person who should know better than to talk down to an Aspie. But then, what else should I expect from an ignorant and insensitve¹ ‘educated’ NT who is too mind blind to realize she’s being insulting by telling me that I’m ‘diseased’?

¹That’s the way my NT husband described her.

Who are the ones with the difficulty?

  • Posted on February 4, 2009

The National Autistic Society says,

Asperger syndrome is mostly a ‘hidden disability’. This means that you can’t tell that someone has the condition from their outward appearance. People with the condition have difficulties in three main areas. They are:

  • social communication
  • social interaction
  • social imagination

Now let’s plug the above list into this scenario [neurotypicals happen to be the ones referred to inside the brackets here]:

While in a waiting room, a 34½ month old Aspie boy was playing with a toy phone that is made to look like it has eyes. Along comes a typical grandmother (stranger to the boy) to ask this boy if the toy he is playing with has eyes. What she didn’t expect was the reply, “No. The toy does not have eyes.” (I didn’t ask this boy, but I could imagine—judging from the way the boy responded—how he thought this well-aged woman must be mentally challenged to need to ask if the toy has eyes.)

“If you have [an opposing] syndrome, understanding conversation is like trying to understand a foreign language.” The elderly woman trying to converse with the Aspie boy could not understand why she was having a frustrating time over what should be a ‘normal’ conversation.

“[Those with an opposing syndrome] have difficulty picking up social cues, and difficulty in knowing what to do when getting things wrong.” Again, it’s the elderly woman who struggled with knowing how to pick up the social cues the Aspie boy exhibited. She had no idea what to do to correct her social blunder caused by mistakenly thinking that this boy would agree with her that the toy phone had eyes.

“[Those with an opposing syndrome] have trouble working out what other people know” (in this case, the ‘other people’ are Aspies). I had no trouble with knowing how the course of events would unfold between this elderly lady and young Aspie boy. To me, it was obvious; but that wasn’t quite so apparent to the other woman. It didn’t take long before she was at a loss for words.

People with [an opposing] syndrome [like the elderly NT woman mentioned above] sometimes find it difficult to express themselves emotionally and socially. For example, they may:

  • have difficulty understanding Aspie gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice
  • have difficulty knowing when to start or end a conversation and choosing topics to talk about (the matured NT lady knew when to start the conversation, but not anything beyond that)
  • use complex words and phrases but may not fully understand what they mean (I know more NTs who do this than Aspies who do)
  • be very literal in what they say and can have difficulty understanding jokes, metaphor and sarcasm (people who say what they mean and mean what they say have trouble understanding those who don’t)

For example, a person with neurotypical syndrome may be confused by the phrase ‘How are you?’ when an Aspie asks, because most likely the NT doesn’t realize that the Aspie actually cares and wants to know. For an NT to reply by saying, “Fine” (especially when the Aspie knows the NT isn’t fine) but nothing more, would offend some Aspies. It can feel like the NT doesn’t find you worthy enough to confide in.

There is so much more I could say on this topic, but the main idea I want to get across is that neurotypicals have just as much of a ‘hidden disability’ when it comes to them knowing how to be socially correct among the Aspie culture. I clearly see that people in my Asperger group have no social skill difficulties when it comes to our understanding each other.

Gushing Happens

  • Posted on May 12, 2008

It’s said that people with Aspergers lack gauging mechanisms to read non-verbal messages neurotypicals send out, but then so do NTs! Yes, I am saying NTs can’t tell when someone is beginning to get turned off by their rambling. Oh NTs don’t call it “rambling.” They call it polite social chatter — “small talk” to be exact. However, the fact remains that I can see that others are clueless to notice how boring I find small talk to be. What difference is it what you call chattering (gushing endlessly about a boring topic versus small talk about obvious crap like the weather)? The best way to illustrate this might be to mix the popular music young teens enjoy with the music that maybe some elderly people enjoy relaxing to (like those who enjoy the opera) at the same time, place, and volume level. What is one man’s music is another man’s noise pollution.

But . . . here’s the problem: There seems to be something wrong with the scenario of NTs being able to trigger an Aspie to feel ‘handicapped’ because of an incorrect read of a social situation.

When I recently heard about a story of a couple of young girls glancing at one another to “go” because an Aspie’s faux pas of gushing out unsolicited knowledge, my first impression was that it is the two young girls who are the ‘handicapped’ ones.¹

Why would I say such a thing? I say it because they had an opportunity to tap into a great mind with a wealth of information that could have enriched their young lives, but instead they became ‘handicapped’ because of their inability to get over the social standards that spoiled them. How did it spoil them? It caused the two young girls to misread their situation and misjudge the brilliant man before them. It was as if these girls lack an ability to read a great book that has opened wide to reveal its pages for them. Granted, the information may have gushed out like a water facet which had its handle ‘bumped’ open and caused a sudden flow . . . but come on! How hard can it be to find the handle and monitor the flow?

Yes, there are some Aspies who have handles for their mouth expressing their knowledge that seem to be broken, but how do you know how ‘broken’ it is if the way you handle such uncomfortable situations is by foolishly disengaging and walking away rather than co-steering the conversation by speaking up with what’s on your mind? Aspies who are willing to readjust their verbal flow with the help of kind and gentle guidance are NOT the ‘rude’ people. Rude people don’t care enough about others to help them. Instead they walk away because it’s the easier thing to do and society backs them up by brainwashing people into believing that giving no explanation as to why they’re walking away is something they have no need to feel ashamed about. That principle is NO different than when a person might walk into and out of a room of people he knows without saying “hello” or “goodbye” to any of them. To most Aspies, such things seem unimportant . . . but yet they usually do it anyhow because it’s what is expected of them. Fine, but what about Aspies who hope for some respect and warmth from the people they meet? That’s less important? I doubt it. It seems to be socially acceptable to humiliate an Aspie by remaining silent and walking away instead of using the social situation for the benefit of everyone involved.

Those young girls in this example do have a handle, but they’re too judgmental to use it. The trash in this situation has nothing to do with a ‘gush’ gauge. The real big bag of trash that cannot be eliminated in this world is people judging others by their unsound humanistically arrogant principles. So what someone gushes! Big deal! People need to get over their standards that spoil them so they can realize how simple the solutions are. It’s easy for someone to say in a kind manner that they’re uncomfortable with someone’s gushing and work out a balanced solution that’s fair for everyone involved, no?

¹Usually adult Aspies have learned how to manage engaging into a conversation, but once ‘in there,’ staying balanced gets more difficult the longer an Aspie has to peddle his words.

I Get It Now!

  • Posted on April 15, 2008

Now I finally understand what she was up to in her thinking! Her greatest phobia was being socially incorrect! It explains why she got so angry at him for staying in his grass-green stained sneakers (from mowing the lawn with a push mower) and summer shorts when he greeting the guests coming to stay at their place. She also got rather perturbed when he would share his WWII stories with them as they lounged around the pool while he’d be either backwashing the filter or cleaning the water.

I’m sure her deaf girl didn’t like being sent to a school for the deaf that discouraged the use of sign language and encouraged the students’ parents to make everyone in the family refuse to learn sign language so that the deaf children had to depend solely on lip reading in order to understand what was being said. I wonder what she would think now if she knew her hearing enabled NT granddaughter (born by her youngest daughter — a hearing enabled Aspie) is an interpreter for the deaf? Her granddaughter chose to learn signing to encourage communication with her children at an earlier age; plus, she simply was curious to learn more about it for her own knowledge. Her choice of education had nothing to do with having a deaf aunt.

No wonder she was angry at God because the miracle faith healers she trusted and brought her ‘broken’ daughter to didn’t ‘fix’ her ears! It explains why she was most comfortable with her oldest daughter. The oldest was born without any defects like deafness or Aspergers syndrome. The oldest performs best at knowing how to be socially correct. Why not? She’s about as neurotypical as they come. Her statement made many years ago now makes sense → “Everyone wears masks.” she said. That kind of statement stumps Aspies since wearing a mask isn’t something that comes natural for them. Gullibility is what makes Aspies easily gaslighted.

Maybe a young Aspie might still think a person is talking about wearing a literal mask, but with maturity the first impression usually will remain to take things literal. When an Aspie hears, “I’m going to go run to the store.” The first thought that processes into the imagination of an AS mind is cognitively visualizing the speaker literally running behind cars in traffic. You can call it a gift of ‘built in humor’ in the form of live cartoons.

Back to the siblings → the NT hearing-enabled woman and her NT deaf sister most likely believed their AS semi-sibling was doomed to forever being gullible. It also makes sense why these two NTs got along much better with each other than with their AS relative. The deaf one could ‘read’ her older sister’s body language and facial expressions because they both share neurotypical brainsets that speak the same language! An Aspie’s body language and facial expressions can really challenge a deaf person (unless that deaf person is also an Aspie).

There is one common ground though between the Aspie culture and deaf culture → both speak ‘direct.’ Small talk is a waste of time and boring not only to Aspergians, but also to deaf people. Those who are born deaf, actually prefer to have deaf children for this reason. Aspies understand their Aspie children more than their NT ones. Having an NT child does have its advantages though for an Aspie. NT children can share so much about the NT culture with their AS parent when they share a close relationship with one another. NTs growing up with an Aspie parent have a rare quality since they can somewhat ‘get’ how an Aspie mind works.

NTs can think adult Aspies can eventually ‘get it.’ The question though is if they’re in agreement as to what that means. Most NTs aren’t going to understand Aspies unless they have one at home to practice socializing with.

What a culture deems as being socially acceptable behavior gets shoved down everyone’s throat, but not everyone is of the same culture. That’s then why it’s probably the greatest contributor to causing dysfunction in families, schools, work environments, and and just about anywhere else that people gather.

Thank You

  • Posted on March 25, 2008

I sincerely appreciate all the encouragement my readers give! The more I get, the more I have to give back and will gladly do so.

It’s said we Aspergians have difficulty accepting compliments. If and/or when that might be true, most likely it’s because we have difficulty detecting what the complimenter is really up to. Why can’t the NT world accept and/or understand that Aspergians think differently?! It takes us Aspies time, work, effort, and experience to learn that a social game is even going on — let alone knowing what it is.¹ Regardless of all that, we can eventually ‘get it‘ but, . . . we probably don’t want to play. It’s energy draining, especially if it’s expected of us to keep up the act for a prolonged period of time.

Unless an Aspergian gets brainwashed at an early age and/or is forced into it, he most likely will give a compliment without any ulterior motive. The NT culture differs from an Aspergian one in that NTs thrive on wearing whatever virtual make-up can make them look more attractive. Because there are enough people abusing the use of compliments, it’s accepted as being natural. What’s really natural is what you hear little children (like toddlers) say.

Everyone likes to be liked. Problems however will come about when a clash exists between the way different people go about exchanging niceties. Most Aspergians have at least average intelligence and many go well beyond the average, so when we’re suspicious of a compliment and our suspicions turn out to be valid, we’re highly insulted. Hopefully there are enough people with brains around to realize we Aspies going to go in the other direction when such things happen. It goes against our nature to overlook something that isn’t functional. Flattery may work among NTs for them to get what they want, but it does so at the cost of creating dysfunctional relationships.

When and/or if we accept compliments with ease, then we will be accused of being naïve. We’re never going to be who we’re not. Think about this: As willing and able an NT may be to change his behavior by taking off his mask and keeping it off at all times, that is how willing and able an Aspergian is to put on a mask and wear it out in public.

¹Social role playing is illogical and destructive to individuals and society in the long run. Typical people grow up practicing this craft so automatically that they’re not even aware of how much they do it by the time they reach adulthood.

[Edit on April 12, 2008 — I greatly appreciate all the encouragement I've received. However, since I'm disabling commenting, I shall try and make do with all of the positive feedback I've received so far. Thank you everyone for your kind words.]

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