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Permanently Escaping Obsessive/Compulsive Behavior

  • Posted on December 19, 2009

I recently realized that something I said in my On Sabbatical page is not completely true and, what’s worse, is that it indirectly says God is a liar. It is true that being Obsessive/Compulsive is a challenge and, under a certain condition, it really does not go away. I did correctly state, in God’s eyes, Obsessive/Compulsive behavior is a sin. Unless God reveals this to a person, O/C behavior will be seen only as a disorder. Obsessiveness/Compulsiveness is a disorder and it really does not go away by human effort. No amount of resolve, medication, or creative maneuvers (e.g., my recent idea to put my blog On Sabbatical) can cure it. If I continued to believe what I said about O/C, I could temporarily repress the urge to behave that way only to have the O/C behavior eventually surface in some other area of my life.

O/C behavior is manifested via the brain. Human behavior experts and God agree on that account. Psychology is a soft science and psychologists cannot go beyond what’s visible. Because the boundaries aren’t clearly visible, often times humanistic thinking crosses those grey areas. When that happens, incorrect assumptions are made. One example of that is the incorrect statement about Asperger people lacking empathy, along with neglecting to mention neurotypical people also lack Theory of Mind (when it comes to their lack of ability to read the non-verbal signals Aspies display).

The reason I didn’t see something like O/C behavior beyond the point I now do is because of allowing psychology to be a stumbling block to what God says about the matter. I’m surprised I didn’t even notice what my words said in describing my blog being On Sabbatical were revealing about my heart.¹ I’m also surprised to learn why self-realization (of behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc.) has to be turned into Christ-realization and that realizing things about one’s self is not quite what God meant by examining self. I had no idea until just recently how impossible of a task it is for anyone to know himself.

That goes to show how right God is when He tells us in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” God did not intend for mankind to have the ability to make a science out of an area exclusively His domain. Even the apostle Paul had the wisdom to know enough to say in 1 Corinthians 4:3-4, “But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man’s judgment: yea, I judge not mine own self. For I know nothing by myself; yet am I not hereby justified: but he that judgeth me is the Lord.”

The certain condition I was referring to that prevents Obsessive/Compulsive behavior from becoming extinct in those who are weak with this area of their life has to do with the heart; not the brain. The heart is what determines brain activity (and the physical conditions of the human body). [By using the term heart, the physical heart is not what's being meant here.]

By my nurturing a victim mentality for too long (psychology can create that effect whether people admit it or not), I remained buried in the subtle grave of believing I will always have a tendency towards being O/C. Believing you have it prevents believing you had it.

For unbelievers, seeing is believing. For believers, believing is seeing.

I’m not sure how much of what’s said in Proverbs 23:7, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:…,” pertains to this situation. In Barnes’ Commentary, he said it probably means, “as he is all along in his heart, so is he (at last) in act.”

Just because someone may have God’s Holy Spirit and be saved does not mean he can always know what his own heart is causing him to think. That’s why Christians need to trust that the Lord will reveal what is needed to be known. Until something is brought to His light, we will never see what’s left in our darkness. I knew God works in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 is one of my favorite verses, but I didn’t quite comprehend the meaning of the previous verse that says, “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.”

Self-righteousness (which is what every religion outside of Christianity promotes) is humanity’s attempt to work goodness into self as one progresses from infancy into mature adulthood. To work goodness out from self requires Christ’s righteousness and Christ to abide within a person. Either self (flesh; carnal nature) is followed or Christ.

For me to think that God will do for me what He tells me He has equipped me to do, is a revelation most people probably wouldn’t understand how it could take as long as it has for me to comprehend. The only reason for me to believe that I have a tendency towards being O/C, and that I have to keep vigilant over when, where, and what will attract that nasty demon back into my life, would be because of not doing what’s said in Philippians 3:13, “…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…”

For me to refuse to forget about what’s behind me (e.g., the variety of O/C behaviors I’ve struggled to overcome), is a subtle excuse to keep that sin alive in my life. As I’ve already said, the reason O/C qualifies as a sin is simply because it is a behavior that goes against God’s will. I just realized over a couple of weeks ago how 2 Corinthians 10:5, “…and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” connects with all this. O/C behavior cannot exist if every thought is captive to the obedience of Christ.

Last night, when reading page 203 of Oswald Chambers’ book Biblical Psychology, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 2:16 saying that we [Christians] have the mind of Christ. Christ did not have O/C behavior. When Christ abides within a saved individual, there is no excuse for such behavior to exist. When it exists, it does so only because of refusing to work out the salvation God worked in. In my case, my heart no longer desires to follow after my carnal nature now that God has saved me. If it did, then I would not want to admit I’m excusing my O/C behavior by saying it really cannot go away.²

I can say my recollections of my various O/C behaviors have become a weakness that manifests itself in my life. However, since Paul says of himself in 2 Corinthians 12:10, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” I too can take pleasure in infirmities.³ My Obsessive/Compulsive memories are an infirmity revealing a weakness of my mind. If I refused to go the one step beyond that confession, I would be manifesting rebellion in my heart towards God.

In very rough terms, God says, “So what? Big deal. So you’re human and you’re discovering that without Me you’ll never be able to escape sin’s grasp. Who can? That’s why you’ve been given My Son as your savior. I’ve given you an instrument (i.e., Jesus) and the necessary talent/skill/ability (i.e., Christ’s righteousness), now pick it up [His righteousness worked in] and practice to perform [work out] harmonious music to My ears!”

It’s time for me to blow the dust off Christ within, take Him off the shelf I’ve left Him on, and start to do what I’ve been foolishly waiting for God to do for me. Those who don’t have Christ, can only play the thief’s tunes. The world will dance to that beat, but there is no reason why Godly people should.

Because I’m glad to know I can, once and for all, be rid of an old victim mentality, I know I’ve become a new creature. I don’t have to be afraid of it coming back to haunt me. Jesus said in Mark 5:36, “…Be not afraid, only believe.” Piecing together all of what God has to say about the matter of behaviors out-of-sync with His will, once again shows how truth works to set us free!

“But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” — 1 Corinthians 15:57

¹In my heart, I was unconsciously keeping an old flame (i.e., lust) burning. Before becoming saved, my heart’s condition prevented me from being cured of the things not in God’s order for living an abundant life.

²The irresponsible victim mentally will not have it go away. It’s human nature to use the word can’t when, in reality, the appropriate words are usually will not.

³2 Corinthians 12:9 points out it is the power of Christ at work in those areas a Christian is weak. God would not remove the thorn in Paul’s flesh (carnal nature) for his own good. The messenger of Satan was to buffet Paul lest he should be exalted above measure and esteem himself more highly than he ought. There is no room for pride in the statement, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” To remain dependent upon Christ’s strength [power] is a humbling experience.

A Blog on Sabbatical?

  • Posted on December 3, 2009

Today I have a special treat for those who may have been trying to view my blog after it became password protected last month. Obviously I’ve removed that feature if you’re reading this, but don’t jump to the conclusion that being On Sabbatical is over already. Sabbaticals usually last anywhere between two months to a year.

Can a blog be on sabbatical? If so, how? Here’s exactly what I’ve written on the webpage I wrote today that I link to my password’s login page (which possibly could be used again if or whenever my blog is on another sabbatical):

On Sabbatical or Sheila Schoonmaker?

I’ve chosen to replace my name with the term On Sabbatical whenever this site of mine may be password protected. When my blog is freely open to the public, it reverts back to its original name.

Inconsistently using password protection, along with no explanation for why a blog would be on sabbatical, probably makes no sense at all. It makes sense to me, because I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I hope to accomplish two objectives at once by saying why I do such things with my blog. The first one is to ease confusion as much as possible. The second one is to have others get a taste of how difficult I can be to comprehend. My online behavior reminds me of how challenging I must be for those who see me offline. It also reminds me of how much work it is for me to deal with people offline. Just as I wisely need to cautiously gauge my offline social activity, I need to develop a system to monitor my online activity.

Immediately after thinking about what to replace my name with when using password protection, the word sabbatical came to mind. After reading Wikipedia’s description of what a sabbatical is, I knew in my heart that God was guiding me on the right track with my idea. I also knew that it would throw my readers into a state of confusion, especially without any forewarning of its happening. Ideas happen without any foreknowledge of their coming. The more creative a mind is, the more it’s able to grasp this concept.

Even this idea of creating an explanation page for when my blog is On Sabbatical is one I didn’t know would come into existence until December 3rd, 2009. As I’ve said in some posts, my thoughts usually go from complex to simple. In this case, it took a few weeks before the obvious arrived. Maybe if I didn’t have so much on my mind already, it would have been sooner. Oh well, it’s here now.

Being a Christian and an Aspie, I really march to a different drummer. That means I deal with my quirks in ways that other Aspies typically don’t; mostly because of my many years of experiencing what faith has brought me through. In this particular situation concerning my blog, my blog is both a blessing and a curse. It continually proves itself to be a blessing in my life in its original goal of being a therapeutic personal journal, provided that I use it primarily for my own purposes. I want others to be blessed too and password protecting it can put a block upon that happening.

The (O/C) curse packaged into my method of therapy was something I could not have known about until time would reveal it (not much unlike long-term ‘side’ effects meds psychiatrists prescribe). I do not like using the humanistic phrase Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, but since it’s a well-known phenomenon, I’ll use that instead of calling it by its right name sin. The mental health profession calls O/C a disorder. God calls it a sin.¹ Either way, being O/C is a challenge to say the least and it really does not go away. It can go into remission (especially when stress levels decrease) and it can be ‘controlled’ under medication. No one is without his or her predispositions towards certain sins to contend with in life. Because I have tendency towards being O/C, I know that I have to keep vigilant over when, where, and what will attract that nasty demon back into my life.

I have never taken meds for behavior issues and never will. Becoming saved does not mean a Christian doesn’t have to face trials and temptations. God expects His children to work out their salvation that He puts in. If I were to take a pill to curb my O/C behavior that’s connected to my blogging, I probably could continue to keep my blog accessible without a password, but if I did that, it would be another lost opportunity for my faith to grow. Then, when a real crises would come along, my behavior would be no different than an unsaved soul. My loyalty is to God and God’s will is that I be transformed by the renewing of my mind, that I may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. The alternative is to be conformed to this world by thinking and behaving the way that typical humanity does (as opposed to what God says in His word).

Throughout my life I’ve had to overcome a variety of O/C, addictive, and codependent (i.e., sinful) behaviors. Some would last for years and often feel like a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Ironically, whenever I’d go for ‘professional’ help, I’d end up with more problems instead of less to deal with. The last time I received counseling from a mental health professional was in January 2007. I foolishly attempted to seek help from a nearby psychologist after that, but received nothing but a bill for one hour of being told nothing useful. Since the one and only potentially helpful therapist I’ve ever encountered  (a Christian psychologist who didn’t charge me anything for the 2-3 hours of his time we spoke) was too far away from me, his advice to me was to stop trying to find a counselor and instead make a serious attempt at being my own therapist by using a personal journal. The kind he probably had in mind was one like a notebook you’d keep at your bedside or in a desk drawer. It wasn’t until a year later that the idea to have one online as a blog hit me.

In the fall of 2009, I began noticing the severity of O/C behavior creeping into my blogging. After praying for wisdom to know how to begin to deal with this new dilemma, the idea of switching my blog from public view to private view came along. I knew a change like that could mean sacrificing the potential for others to be blessed, but sometimes in life that’s what’s needed in order to achieve success. With certainty, if I don’t take care of myself, others will ultimately suffer the consequences too; even if I kept my blog easily accessible to the public at the cost of my private life falling apart because of becoming O/C with it being open for viewing to all.

How could I have known that turning my blog private would end my O/C behavior stemming from it? I didn’t; nor could I have unless I at least tried it for awhile and observed what the consequences would be. I acted in faith by shutting the way into the blog. I know it’s possible for some to still find a way in regardless of the password page, but that’s irrelevant to the issue I must deal with. The main point is I accomplished a baby step in the right direction. I learned a new and vital piece of information I can probably make use of later.

I don’t know what God’s will is for me in the future; whether or not I even have a blog anymore. I don’t doubt many might like to interpret this situation with their opinions on the matter, but that’s not my business. My business is to live by the Spirit of God; not the flesh.

As said in Wikipedia, “In recent times, ‘sabbatical’ has come to mean any extended absence in the career of an individual in order to achieve something.” I’m living to continually achieve higher goals and sometimes it may be necessary for me to take an extended absence from my ‘career’ (i.e., occupation; as in an activity that occupies a person’s attention).

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. – Ecclesiastes 3:1

All for the glory of God,

Sheila Faith Schoonmaker

¹The reason O/C qualifies as a sin is simply because it is a behavior that goes against God’s will. In 2 Corinthians 10:5 of the King James Version of the bible we see, “…and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” O/C behavior cannot exist if every thought is captive to the obedience of Christ.

Tough Situations

  • Posted on August 1, 2008

When I first discovered an asperger support group to attend, I was elated with joy. It’s been a wonderful experience for me to finally get to see what neurotypicals detect that’s different about me. I could do this because of being with other aspies.

I gained a lot by attending and I also contributed what I could. Now it appears I’m back to my same road blocks. Indecision stinks! Do I keep going or has the season arrived for me to quit? I have a month and a half to decide, but I’ve also already had almost three weeks pass since I last attended. It’s an unusual break (normally the group meets every other week) that is matching my transition period.

Every now and then, I sense a major change occurring within my being. That explains how someone (such as myself) evolves towards becoming a radically different person over time. Some people never change, but then there are some who make re-adjustments now and then. Even though one may never stop going through transition periods, it is possible for some aspects of his character to remain constant (e.g., honesty). I’d like to call it ‘growing up’, but that doesn’t quite describe what I mean. Maybe I can’t explain it? I can try though.

It is not hormones that cause this type of indecision. It is the combination of learning new information and realizing certain facts. In the case with my decision about continuing to attend the asperger group, no one is going to realize why I quit (if I do). It would be best if I didn’t try to explain such a decision to them. They would not be able to see my inner struggle with my conscience, nor could they understand it.

Talk about frustration! I describe my being an asperger person in an aspie group as being a misfit among misfits. The reason I’ve written the posts that I have lately is to bring awareness to how complicated human behavior is. I feel like I always want to be telling people, “Don’t try to figure me out. I’m too confusing for you.” Since it took my husband and daughter a couple of decades or more (my son needs more time) to merely begin to understand me, I then wonder why do I even bother to blog. I blog on with the hope that there are some tidbits of information others may find useful. To remain silent would be like throwing a life away. Everyone has something to offer others—even a child to his younger sibling.

Being the non-conformist aspie that I am (i.e., one who remains true to self), I find myself now having to hide vital aspects of my being (if I continue to go to the asperger support group). I have to refrain from truly voicing the way I live life as an asperger person, along with having to hide what I really think in order to avoid confrontations. Why is this? It’s because of my being different spiritually.

With my aspie nature, I have a predisposition towards obsessive/compulsive behavior. Living this long, I now know that this will never go away. All throughout my life, one compulsion after another has found its way to being a challenge for me. That’s the bad news. The good news is I also know that for each of these compulsive behaviors, every one of them eventually is overcome.

Here are a couple of examples of what I could safely talk about without stepping out of bounds:

1. As a teenager and young adult, I struggled with compulsive eating. For those who have never experienced this, you’re most likely not going to know how horrible this is. I was stuck in this vicious cycle for years. During this time, I was also spiritually lost. Around the age of 22, I finally sought help from a psychiatrist (he actually made my problem worse). This compulsion was like a roller coaster—sometimes it was intense and other times I thought it might be gone. I cannot pinpoint exactly how old I was when this compulsion finally came to an end, but I will guess that the turning point was when I was 27 or 28 years old.

This compulsion was the longest lasting one. The only thing that was keeping me from committing suicide over this nightmare was hanging onto one thought. The more I reminded myself of it, the less the compulsive eating had a hold on me. I knew that since I was able to eat in a normal way (eat when hungry; not eat when not hungry) before adolescence, there was no logical reason why I could not do so again. Guilt, followed by self-hatred, definitely compounded this problem.

2. This example is both a compulsion and an addiction that can happen to anyone who engages into this practice that leads to a habit→ cigarette smoking. It wasn’t until I had seen a color poster (on July 4th, 1976) of two lungs side-by-side (comparing a lung from a cigarette smoker with one of a non-smoker) before I began being sincerely concerned over what I was doing to myself. I knew most people complained about putting on weight after quitting smoking, but again I believed (without knowing what it was called) in the self-fulfilling prophecy (the Pygmalion Effect).¹  I knew I’d have to be creative again, especially since two failed attempts at quitting were not helping my confidence. Logical thinking told me that I’d have to attempt quitting whenever an opportunity would arise that would disassociate my reminders of cigarette smoking. In January of 1979, such an opportunity arrived (thanks to enrolling into Florida Atlantic University). During the early morning hour of moving out of New York State (after going through the thruway toll booth to pick up my ticket and before exiting the ongoing ramp to the thruway), I threw away my last pack of cigarettes. The excitement from my new adventure into the unknown kept me mentally occupied enough to forget about cigarettes.

Nothing about being in a new State existed to condition the response of me wanting to smoke a cigarette. I’d describe it as being like taking dirty keys away from a baby who puts them into his mouth and giving him something more interesting to pay attention to.

Here is a recent example of what would be futile to mention in an aspie group:

I was obsessed over upgrading and tweaking my son’s computer to maximize his potential success at playing World of Warcraft. That might sound like a simple project, but unless someone knows me, I have a knack for making a simple thing into a complex nightmare because of striving for perfection. It’s akin to major overhauls—sometimes you have to make a big mess before you can fix things properly.

This obsession was so bad that it led to becoming a physically painful compulsion. Even though my arm and neck were hurting insanely because of being in the same position for hours and days on end, I was determined to finish what I started. The trap of this obsession was believing the goal was near completion, but in reality it was not (thanks to unknown issues hiding in the next step→ like such things as Windows XP updates stubbornly refusing to install and not knowing that the most recent drivers for the new graphics card were programmed too complex for the operating system for starters!).

So, what made this obsession/compulsion cease? I’ll just say it was a non-technically related shock (wake-up call) that was more painful than what my body could do to me. God was trying to tell me that my behavior was not His will (i.e., I was being ignorantly sinful by not realizing how some of the particular ways that I ‘help’ my son affects him).

The amazing part was the contrast between the before and after part of this O/C. My anxiety level, before this compulsion’s end, was stuck at a high level. As soon as I realized that what I was doing was going against God’s will and repented, that anxiety disappeared as if it was never there! I was so tired that, on the day after this, I slept until 6 PM! I cannot describe how peaceful it feels to be severed from an O/C behavior, so I will not try. The last time I slept that late into the day was over a quarter of a century ago! Now when I look back at it, I see how insane sin is. In fact, that’s the definition of insanity→ practicing a lie. Lies are illusions/deceptions. I am beginning to think that obsessive/compulsive behaviors are another form of sin.

Hopefully now you can understand better how my faith creates road blocks in such situations as sharing solutions to problems in an asperger group. I cannot share these kinds of success stories offline, because I’ve never even met another Christian aspie who can relate to such experiences. I know I cannot be the only one. I do know though God has His reasons as to why He is preventing me from meeting others who I think would comprehend me the best.

¹I lost weight when I quit smoking and I wasn’t even on a diet! That’s not usual for me, considering that most things in my life are the reverse of normal.

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