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Resolutions Made Easier

  • Posted on January 30, 2010

Sixty days ago I came to the conclusion that my days for being able to have any form of drug, in any amount, now has intolerable consequences. Twice in that period of time I doubted that reality and both times paid the price. The first time was when I consumed two ounces of red wine one Saturday evening. The result was a maximum of two hours of sleep that night. The second mistake was when I had three ounces of white wine with a meal of shrimp.¹ Again, the most sleep I got afterward was a couple of hours. Sudden decreases in the amount of sleep can cause a vicious downward spiraling effect on me. The potential result can be one week of about a maximum of 14 hours totaled! I can go two-to-three nights (including the days in-between) without even a minute of sleep.

It’s not just wine that will trigger chronic insomnia. All my husband has to do is talk in an disturbingly unpleasant tone of voice. Then my nervous system gets shocked and I’m extra hyper-sensitive² for days. If another person talks nasty to me, it doesn’t have quite the same effect. I can only guess it’s because I don’t have to live with other people, so when they’re gone I know I won’t hear it. Not having any control over the exposure is what makes it worse, especially when trying to manage living with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Besides insomnia being a consequence to my sensory system being overloaded, headaches become more common. I used to be able to take over-the-counter pain relief medications. Not anymore I can. My bladder becomes hyper-sensitive and weaker. I try to keep a good distance from anything a pharmaceutical lab says is fit for human consumption (along with, of course, keeping away from what they say isn’t okay).

Fumes from chemicals like paint, polyurethane, bleach, ammonia, perfume, etc. are horrible to the nervous system. I used to be able to be indoors with the windows open if there was some mild usage of those products. Now I have to be outside and not come back in until all of it is gone from the air.

My eyesight isn’t what it once was (it’s worse); neither is my hearing (it’s now more acute). Certain sounds children and small dogs can emit quickly stress me out. Tension comes instantly, but can take days to go away.

The topping to all these joys is knowing how ignorantly people misjudge the reasons why a hyper-sensitive person likes to stay reclusive and do a minimal amount of socializing.

The easy resolution is to simply stay as far away as I can from things that are harmful to my health. That includes avoiding toxic people (who may mean well), especially those who think they know how to help others (but yet they have no clue what it is like to be in someone else’s shoes).

I have tried just about everything known to cause drowsiness. Most of them did (once upon a time) work to some degree for awhile, but the long-term consequences (especially with some of them) taught me something very important.

I’ve always known God works all things for the good to those who are called according to His purpose. I’ve been praying for help to overcome some obstacles in my life that should be as easy as a physically sound individual walking out of a room on his own accord. God wanted me to walk His way and He didn’t submit to doing the walk for me. What He did do though was make it very unpleasant for me to stay on the same path I’ve been on (some of them for decades).

It’s a lot harder to quit seeking from substances, activities, and/or certain people, what God alone can give. Instant gratification usually justifies itself with this thought, “God wants me to use these alternatives.” In my case, God knew how to turn up the dial of discomfort to get me moving in a better direction.

Depending on God never has any bad side effects — short term or long term!

¹I’m allergic to shrimp. Drinking a small glass of wine while eating shrimp is enough to stop me from breaking out in hives. Saying goodbye to wine means saying goodbye to shrimp and my sweet Straw-Buried-Bombers too.

²Aspies are prone to being hyper-sensitive as it is.

Before Thanksgiving

  • Posted on October 23, 2008

I’ll be glad once Thanksgiving comes, because then Halloween will be over and so will the elections! Things won’t get better no matter who gets into office, but at least there should be a temporary decline in malicious activity once people get busy preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hopefully pretty lights outdoors twinkling in the night will settle people down. Somehow I think the Norman Rockwell era is long past and ever increasing stress looms ahead (generally speaking).

I can feel and see evil activity subtly increasing lately. It’s not just the time of the year, but also the time of this world. I can’t speak for other neighborhoods, but I can say mine isn’t becoming very nice. Every day I go for a walk, I’m restoring what others are damaging.

I’m seeing hatred brewing within people that wasn’t there before (no, it has nothing to do with me). I’m not good at catching facial expressions. However, my husband noticed smirks on faces that never used to turn so nasty. 

In fact, I feel like I’m battling against a bad spirit(s?) myself lately. I find myself having to be extra cautious about what I read and who I allow contact with me. What’s worse is that I sense it trying to creep into my blog. 

This is one night sleep is not possible. While being awake throughout the night, I changed a couple of my blog’s pages.

Instant and Long Lasting!

  • Posted on October 6, 2008

I don’t know if NT (neurotypical) moms pay more attention to their NAT (neuro-a-typical) child’s physical environment than they do to what might be going on inside that child’s mind. Mind reading isn’t possible, but possibly these moms realize already that hyper and hypo sensitivity exists just as well from what thoughts are occurring as it does from what senses are being aroused by a child’s surroundings?

It’s always very important for me to understand as much as I possibly can. Logic is my hero! I can’t imagine life without it. I am exactly as The Logic Boy is described!

Sometimes though, logic isn’t enough. That’s where faith comes in.¹ Truth is the best medication for a troubled soul! I got a good reminder of that late last night.

Most people know you shouldn’t drink coffee, soda, eat chocolate, or have anything containing caffeine, close to bedtime. However, never underestimate what a disturbing thought can do before bedtime, especially if you’re an Aspie!

Darcy couldn’t have known that God would use perfect timing to lead me to her blog shortly after midnight. I used to say the same thing she did, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” God bless Darcy for naming her blog What We Need to pass along what a woman once said to her. It was, “No, God gives us what we need.”

After reading that powerful statement, I remembered I read that page of hers before and forgot that God gives His children exactly what they need. When you trust God implicitly, that’s all you need to know sometimes!

Anyhow, that thought, God gives us what we need, instantly put my mind and body to rest. I slept peacefully and can now enjoy today because I feel rested! :)

¹I choose to be misleading by saying faith can lack logic, because few people would believe that I can actually see the logic behind everything God gives and does. I’m not saying this was always the case though. This (super?)-natural ability is something only God can give to a person. There is no way I can teach it to others. Either God gives you it or He doesn’t. I can’t know why He chose to give me His gift of faith which happens to include logic. The only logical explanation I can come up with is actually quite simple→ That is what I need.

King Solomon prayed for wisdom. He got that and financial wealth; we got the book of Proverbs. I prayed for the gift of wisdom too (since being gullible is an Aspie characteristic, Godly wisdom is a must have). I received what I asked for (but I don’t always remember to use it!). However, instead of receiving financial wealth as a surprise bonus (which in my cause would probably destroy my life and make me miserable), I got a wealth of logic. Logic and wisdom are my best friends!

It Always Works For Me!

  • Posted on September 29, 2008

How could I forget something so crucial?! I guess that’s what exhaustion does for a person.

Instead of rewording what I’ve already said in a comment I wrote from my post Sleeping With Insomnia, I’ll just copy and paste it here. I think the information is too vital to risk the chance that others may miss benefitting from it.

I see what I’ve neglected to add and am reminded of things I forgot about my childhood. My parents always had me go to bed in my own bedroom, but in spite of that, I didn’t end up staying there for the same reasons as your son’s. After having written this post, I asked how many other adults in my aspie group have to deal with nightmares. Surprisingly the answer was only a few do. This sleep disturbance seems to be more prominent among children. I think there are too many factors which could possibly be acting upon the way one sleeps as an adult for any ‘professional’ to be able to give a reliable answer.

I may have given the wrong impression, since I too get overstimulated by anything electronic. Having said that, it probably makes little sense as to why I sometimes use a CD player for help to sleep. On the nights I listen to my CD, my mind tends to be extraordinarily overstimulated all on its own. I have no idea what percentage of the time it works. All I know is that it has given me a break from my own inability to ‘ground’ my thoughts. It takes discernment and practice to know what things can be focused on without over-focusing on it (you probably already know that).

I heard the advice of eastern meditation (e.g., focusing on breathing to stay in the ‘present’). That doesn’t work for many aspies. A tip I failed to mention has a perfect success rate for me. I forgot to include it, because it had been a long while since I last experienced it before writing this post. I can remember to include it in this comment due to finally getting this ‘treatment’ last night. My parents would never have done it for me, but fortunately I must have intuitively known to give top priority to marry a man who is gifted with knowing how to give a massage. My husband never was taught any techniques. He just knows how to squeeze the anxiety out of me (he should, because for many years, he was the greatest contributor of stress in my life¹ and I thank God that’s over!). It isn’t often I get to receive his therapeutic strength, but when I do, it works 100% of the time!

I did have the same Alexandar Scourby’s CDs as yours, but gave them away because of the way he talks (like there is a fire in his mouth and the words are running out to escape for their lives!). It’s critical that I listen to a soothing voice speaking at a slower pace.

I finally got a needed wonderful night’s sleep what I last night! )

¹He admits it and now sees what he couldn’t back then. Only the ignorant would claim this is an arrogant statement.

Sleeping With Insomnia

  • Posted on September 26, 2008

Insomnia doesn’t mean never being able to sleep. It means being unable to remain asleep for an adequate length of time.

Usually insomnia stems from anxiety and worry. Even though Aspies are known for being anxious most of the time, research seems to indicate other factors as possibly being the cause for some aspies’ unusual sleeping patterns.¹

Because I’ve never known what ‘normal’ sleep is like, I’ve always wondered why my sleeping experiences are so different. I wasn’t the only one who wondered. A psychology professor I had who taught Psychology of the Conscious, was also baffled. My dream journal disturbed him so much that he highly suggested I find a therapist who might be able to makes some sense out of my vividly morbid nightmares. Contrary to what most people might think, nightmares do NOT always indicate an underlying psychopathology.

Even though I’ve had nightmares and night terrors all throughout my life (sometimes more often than others), I did not develop chronic insomnia until after I was married and raising children. The insomnia never left, but it has decreased since its acute 13 years.

I have a healthy method that both helps me to get back to sleep and curb the horrors my mind creates when dreaming. However, there are times when nothing works. It’s those nights when I know that the best thing I can do is find something quiet to do for the night—like writing this post for example.

Obviously, it is important to have as comfortable of a place to sleep as possible. A waveless waterbed mattress made up of cylinder tubes with foam and water minimize the urge to toss and turn. Down feather pillows make the ideal complement. No headboard can beat an open window bringing in fresh country air! It’s great when the nights turn cold, because then I can bury myself under a nice heavy down comforter. If it’s not cold, I make due by covering myself with my pillows. I wear a pilot/trapper/trooper hat and a sleep mask that covers my eyes, since I’m sensitive to temperature and light changes.

Those things take care of the body, but they’re not enough for a constantly hyper-active mind.

Since I rarely ever sleep through the night without waking up, the tricky part is to keep the times of being awake as short as possible. If I’m creating my own thoughts, it can take me hours before I’ll fall back asleep. However, if an external source leads my thoughts, then sleep may come back after a couple of minutes. I’ve found a way to get my mind back to sleep AND decrease my nightmares at the same time!

I wear comfortable earphones connected with an extended wire to a bedside stereo system that plays the bible on CD. Since it is recorded in an MP3 file format, the entire bible fits onto 2 CDs. That means I can leave one CD in all night without having to hear something being repeated many times over. What does often happen as I listen to this while sleeping is I end up having dreams with someone speaking scripture to me. I never had a nightmare yet while listening to the bible in my sleep. I’ve tried listening to music while sleeping, but that doesn’t help much since it doesn’t provide me with something to think about. Since I cannot turn off my thinking when going to sleep and too much thinking keeps me awake (and can also wake me up), hearing the bible provides the perfect balance!² For those who would call this brainwashing, my response would be, “Mankind needs his brain washed, since human nature is depraved.”

¹I’ve learned some interesting things about nightmares, night terrors, and the aspie mind from my past research. Unfortunately, I no longer have those sources for linking into posts. I’ve tried searching again, but have not been able to find them. I have found other insights into this subject and will write about it some other day.

²So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. — Romans 10:17

Post-Valentine's Day

  • Posted on February 15, 2008

A post today about a post-day affair. I’m tired, so that’s bound to reflect in my writing style. I like to blame the association of wine with Valentine’s Day for robbing me of a good night’s rest. Nobody twisted my arm to make me have a glass of Chateau Larose-Trintaudon Haut-Médoc bottled in 2001. It’s a classic case of not paying enough attention to consequences . . . but, before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I’m an alcoholic, please let me clarify myself here!

I’m well aware of the way the mind of an alcoholic works. I’ve attended enough ACA meetings somewhere back in my past. What I’m talking about is the selective amnesia of not remembering in advance the consequence that even one glass of wine can have on a highly sensitive sensory system.

If I limit my intake of wine (I can only tolerate certain imported red wines) to three or four sips, then my sleep cycle isn’t disturbed. If I consume three-fourths of a glass early enough in the day (like around 1 or 2 PM) to have it be out of my system by the time I go to sleep at night, then that’s okay also. But if I have an entire glass before bed-time, I’m in for some struggles getting through the next day.

Whoever might think the simple solution to such post-wine evenings is to go take a nap, obviously doesn’t understand just how delicate a sleep cycle can be for some people. Everyone knows it’s harder to fall asleep when you’re not tired, but what most people don’t get is that the reverse can also be true. The more tired I am, the less likely I’ll be able to sleep.

Balance is the key for just about everything. It’s especially so for me (and all other too loud too bright too fast too tight people). I’m getting better at managing my life as I get older, but by the time I’ve mastered the art of the tight-rope walking technique, the buzzer will probably go off!

Snow, ice, slush, and rain . . .

  • Posted on February 13, 2008

How does this winter affect my brain? I’ve always had SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

Basically today the weather got about as wet as it can get. Typically February used to be difficult for me to endure without my moods turning as dreary as the sky, for as long as the long nights of winter lasted. This is about the first time in my life I can remember not falling prey to depression that could last all day! Decades ago, it could last constantly for weeks and sometimes even months. I wouldn’t go so far as to say moments never occur when cheeriness fades and being crabby takes over, but then who can honestly say they’re never cranky?!

I know winter isn’t over yet, but I have heard birds singing lately and that’s a good sign for spring being close by! I might not be sure of exactly what the reason(s?) may be for my coming as far as I have in getting away from the long bouts of major depression I struggled with many years ago, but I do know I’ve prayed for its end and I knew God would eventually remove those dark emotional clouds in His way, at His time. After all the prayers He has answered in my life?! . . . how could I doubt Him?!

My brain has re-learned how to sleep again. I already mentioned I began taking 5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) last summer to see if it would help me to overcome my lingering (but reduced) insomnia problem. What I didn’t express though was the evidence of this amino acid supplement eliminating depression for me. I also boosted its positive impact by recently placing a tall-standing Ott-lite over my desk and chair; plus, another tall-standing Ott-lite over my bed. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s lighting technology to produce natural light for better health (physically for improving vision and mentally for improving moods negatively impacted by lack of daylight).

A family relative of mine (who is also a chiropractor) wanted to join in with my theory of blaming serotonin imbalances as being the cause of my sleep disorder. I permitted her to try some muscle testing (applied kinesiology) on me with our focus being on the 5-HTP. Since what she said agreed with what I suspected for the dosage levels that would work best to accomplish my goal, I gladly proceeded to experiment on myself.

Now that the experiment is over, I’m glad!

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